Scandinavia at the table:
Said the Dane: Skaal!
Said the Norwegian: How do you spell it?
Said the Swede: Have we dropped titles yet?
Said the Finn: Are we talking or drinking?
Probably more funny in the original Klingon?
According to Scandinavia and the World, your Finn talks way too much.
A white guy and a black guy are on a covert mission in a hostile country. Things don’t go so well, and they are captured.
The enemy commander lines them up against the wall. “We are going to execute you as spies. However, as is our custom, you are entitled to one last request - if I deem it reasonable.”
The white guy says, “Well, if that’s the way it’s going to be, I’d like to hear ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ one more time when you kill me.”
The commander nods. “Yes, that is reasonable. It will be done.” He turns to the black guy. “What about you?”
The black guy looks the commander dead in the eye.
“Klll me first.”
A guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Hey, wanna hear a funny ethnic joke?”
The bartender looks at him with disgust. “Well pal, here’s the thing. I’m ethnic. Those guys over at the table are ethnic. In fact, everybody here is ethnic. It’s an ethnic bar for ethnic people. So maybe you should reconsider telling that ethnic joke.”
The guy goes, “Ah, don’t worry, I’ll tell it slowly.”
A Latino, a black guy, and a white guy walk into a drug store to buy condoms.
The Latino tells the pharmacist “Give me the six-pack.” His friends as why six. He says, “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, but never on Sunday.”
The black guy says “I can top that. Give me the eight-pack. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and twice on Sunday.”
The white guy says “I can top that. Give me twelve-pack.” January, February, March …
A priest and a rabbi find themselves in the same train compartment on a long trip. They strike up a conversation.
After a bit, the priest says, “I understand that you are forbidden to eat pork. Have you ever been tempted to try it?”
The rabbi says, “Why yes, I ate a ham sandwich once.”
The rabbi then asks, "“I understand that you are forbidden to have sex. Have you ever been tempted to try it?”
The priest says, embarrassed, “Why yes. I broke my vows and made love to a woman once.”
The rabbi says with a grin, “Better than a fucking ham sandwich, isn’t it?”
Q. What’s the definition of a WASP?
A. Someone who gets out of the shower to pee.
Q. What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A. The pilot, you racist.
An investigative reporter approaches a Russian, an American, an Ethiopian, and a Frenchman and asks them each the same question: “Excuse me, but what is your opinion about the food shortage?”
The Russian answers: “I don’t understand ‘opinion’.”
The American answers: “I don’t understand ‘shortage’.”
The Ethiopian answers: “I don’t understand ‘food’.”
The Frenchman answers: “I don’t understand ‘excuse me’.”
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub, and each order a pint of Guinness. The bartender pours three pints and puts them in front of each man.
Just then three flies buzz in through the door, and one PLOPS! into each of the three glasses.
The Englishman looks into his glass with a sour face, and pushes it away in disgust.
The Irishman plucks the fly out of the glass, flings it aside, and drinks his beer.
The Scotsman grabs the fly, squeezes it between both thumbs and forefingers, and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, ya bastard!!”
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking together when an attractive boy walks past.
‘Lets screw him,’ says the Priest.
‘Out of what?’ answers the Rabbi.
Once upon a time, an emperor wanted to find the greatest swordsman in the world. After searching far and wide, he narrowed it down to three candidates: a Japanese Samurai, an English Knight, and a Jewish Rabbi. The emperor summoned them to his court and informed them that their skills would be put to the ultimate test. A fly would be released into the room to fly around, and the man who could slice it in half mid-air would earn the title of the world’s greatest swordsman.
The fly is released, and immediately the Samurai leaps into the air and slices it in half. “I win!” he declares.
The Knight says, “that’s nothing. Give me another fly and I’ll show you what I can do!” So the emperor releases another fly into the room. (I guess he has a box filled with flies or something.) Anyway, the fly buzzes around the room and the Knight, with astonishing speed, makes two slashing motions with his sword, and three pieces of the fly fall to the floor.
As the Emperor looks on in astonishment, the Rabbi gets up and says, “That’s nothing! Another fly, please!”
The third fly is released. The Rabbi draws his sword from his scabbard and proceeds to slash at the fly for a few moments, then puts his sword back and crosses his arms with a smirk. “I’d like to see anyone top that!”
The Emperor is confused. “What do you mean?! The fly is still flying around! You didn’t kill him!”
The Rabbi replies: “Nope. I circumsiced him!”
The version I heard (something about standing in line for food) ended with the last line attributed to an Israeli.
I heard it from an Israeli.
You do realize this is supposed to be the not very offensive joke thread?:dubious:
“They say that a thousand years ago the Irish gave the Scots the bagpipe, and the Scots never caught on.”
“Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire which sank the craft; proving the old adage you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”
I heard a completely different version:
A Cuban, a Texan, and a New Yorker are having dinner in a fancy restaurant. The waiter comes by the table and says, “Excuse me, but we are out of meat today because of a shortage.”
The Cuban asks, “What is meat?”
The Texan asks, “What’s a shortage?”
The New Yorker asks, “What’s an excuse me?”
A priest, a rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar. The priest falls on his ass, the atheist stumbles around groaning and holding his head, the rabbi shakes his fist at the sky saying, “Is that the best you can do?”
The original animation studio that got the contract to animate the White Walkers, or Wights, in the Game of Thrones series was based in China. The two lead animators were brothers: Wong Li-Xhie and Wong Shi-zhou. For several months the Wongs’ team continued the producers multiple different iterations of the Wights, but none of them were satisfactory. Eventually the producers went another direction and hired a different animation company.
Because two Wongs don’t make a Wight.
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson. Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, “Oh God, I have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back.” And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, “He had a hat.”
Moving this over to MPSIMS- I think it’s a better fit there.