One friend speaking to another mentioned they had a problem with skunks that were lurking under their front porch.
“Try throwing some lutefisk under there” was the reply, it’s worse smelling than the skunks!"
The next week the first friend mentioned that using lutefisk had got rid of the skunks, Then they asked “Now, what do I do to get rid of the Swedes lurking under the porch?”
Sid and Si sitting on a park bench watching the world go by. Sid looks up and sees a sign in a window across the street. The sign says, Convert. $25! He says, What do you think about that, Si? Si says, I think I’ll find out, and crosses the street and goes in. After a while he comes out, crosses the street and sits down. He doesn’t say anything and Sid doesn’t say anything, until he finally says, So, did you get the money? And Si says, Is that all you people think about?
Play some Death Metal a couple blocks away; let them be someone else’s problem.
So there are these three elderly men who go to a bar every day. Not so much to drink; just because they have nowhere else to go. McGinnity always sits at the bar; Cohen and Goldberg always sit at a table.
One day, Cohen shows up late, and finds Goldberg sitting at the bar with McGinnity. Cohen settles in at the usual table to read the paper, occasionally looking up to see McGinnity talking and Goldberg nodding and smiling. When McGinnity gets up to go to the mens’, Goldberg joins Cohen at the table. “What was that about?” Cohen asks him.
“Just felt like a change. When you talk, all I hear about is how everyone’s out to get us. When he talks, I get to hear how we control the banks, the media, Wall Street…”
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
“None, Dahling. I’ll just sit here by myself in the dark. God forbid you should concern yourself with a sweet helpless little old lady who gave you life.”
A Japanese friend told me this one (in Japanese).
A ship was sinking and the captain needed to have four men stay behind since there wasn’t enough room in the lifeboats. There was an American, an Englishman, a German and a Japanese.
He told the American that if he stayed behind, he would become a hero. He told the Englishman that gentlemen let the women and children in the lifeboats. To the German, he said it was the rules and then finally to the Japanese he said that all of the rest of the men were doing that.
The dying rabbi is laying in his bed surrounded by his pupils. His brightest pupil asks him, “Do you have any last words for us?”
“Life is a river,” replies the rabbi. The message is passed, in whispers with much nodding, to the back of the crowd. One of the newer students up the back says, “What does the rabbi mean, life is a river?” The question is quickly passed back to the star pupil who asks, “Rabbi, what do you mean, life is a river?”
The rabbi shrugs, and with his last breathe croaks, “So, it isn’t a river.”
I don’t get this one. Are they too hoity-toity to pee IN the shower?
I don’t get this one either, is it one of those jokes-thats-not-a-joke?
1 - yes
2 - the joke is on everyone who took the pronouncement as something profound instead of asking for clarification. I heard that one years ago and it helps illustrate the Argument from Authority fallacy.
Whats black,white and brown and rolls along the beachfront?
A Filipino and a Seagull fighting over a fish head.
It’s in the title: “Not offensive ethnic jokes.” You ‘joke’ isn’t funny, and it is offensive.
When you’re at the airport, how can you spot the Italian plane?
it’s the one with hair under its wings.
There are always two flight attendants on El Al airlines. One passes out food, the other walks behind saying “Eat, eat!”
The classic one about European stereotypes:
In heaven,
The police are British
The mechanics are German
The chefs are French
The lovers are Italian
And everything is run by the Swiss.
In hell,
The police are German
The mechanics are French
The chefs are British
The lovers are Swiss
And everything is run by the Italians.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?!”
White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Yeah, that’s the joke. Think of your stereotypical upper-crust Harvard graduate.
I think there’s also some “ask two jewish people, get three opinions” thing going on there too.
Why has India never won the FIFA World Cup?
Every time they get a corner, they put up a shop.
morris the tailor has a clothes shop well one day he gets an old navy type of place across the and hes losing business …
So not knowing what else to do he goes to the temple and prays saying " hey god its me morris ive been generally observant and tried to live by your words never cheated anyone how about winning the lottery this week ? "
Nothing happened but the new shop advertised a huge sale in the papers and bills were due so morris goes back ot the temple and says “god its me morris again and its gotten worse but no one won last week so how about me winning this week?”
Yet again nothing happened
For the third week the new store advertises on tv but for morris the stores empty he laid off his employees tried to get the bills redone but hes 2 steps from bankrupt So he goes back to the temple and prays wailing and sobbing " god why have you forsaken me … have I offended you? I’m going out of business …
A voice from above booms "morris I love you but your too good of a jew … go buy a damn lottery ticket …
“What do you get when you cross a black man with a groundhog? Six more weeks of basketball !” I have it on good authority that one is not offensive.
Did you hear about the merger between El Al and Alitalia?
“Well, I’ll tell ya”