Tell me an Irish joke

In My Humble Opinion
1

I need three Irish jokes for an upcoming St. Patrick’s Day luncheon. Nothing too dirty. Here’s one from a previous luncheon to start us off:

*Murphy approached Mulligan’s bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said: “Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you’re not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil’s brew. Why don’t you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?”

"Hang on, Sister,” spluttered Murphy. “How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it’s wrong to form such a rash judgement when you’ve never tasted the stuff?”

“Very well,” said Sister Marie. “I’ll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can’t go into the pub, so why don’t you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass”

“OK,” said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

“I’ll have a large gin,” he said to the barman. “And can you put it in a cup?”

“My God,” said the barman, “that nun’s not outside again is she?”*

2

Did you hear about the Irishman who was rushed to the hospital last night?
He tried to drink a ship in a bottle.

3

The leter from an Irish Mother Always cracks me up (no one liners though).

My fave Irish joke:
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6.
One to hold the bulb, one to hold the ladder & 4 to stand in each corner of the room and drink until the room starts spinning.

4

A Texan walked into a pub in Ireland and said, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll bet 500 American dollars to twenty of your Euros that nobody here can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one took up the Texan’s offer. One man even left the bar. Thirty minutes later the man who left showed up again and tapped the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?” asked the Irishman.

The Texan said yes, and asked the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tore into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them
all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheered as the Texan sat in amazement.

The Texan gave the Irishman the money and said, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replied, “Oh … I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first.”

5

You may find yourself on the receiving end of a beating if you tell this one.

What’s the difference between shanty Irish and upper-class Irish?

Upper-class Irish remove the dishes from the sink before pissing in it.

6

Two guys are sitting in the pub getting drunk. All of a sudden a third guy walks in, and he’s pretty drunk. He says to the bartender, “I’ll have a whiskey. Let’s drink to Dublin!” One of the two other guys says, “Well, I’ll be…I’m from Dublin, too!” The third guy buys another round and says, "Let’s drink to St. Catherine’s Parish. The other guy says, “You’re from St. Catherine’s? So am I”. The first guy buys another round. “And here’s to life on Dover St.” The other guy says, “Glory! I was born on Dover St, too!” The third guy says to the bartender, “Isn’t that a coincidence, these guys running into each other here!” The bartender says, “No, that’s just the O’Malley twins getting drunk again.”

That’s not exactly how it goes, but it’s close.

7

An Irishman walks into a bar in Manhattan, sits down and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender serves him his beer, and the guy sits with the three glasses by himself. For the next few minutes he drinks a little bit from each glass in turn. Eventually the bartender gets curious and asks him what he’s doing. “Oh,” says the man, “I have a brother who lives back home in Dublin, and a brother who lives in Boston. We don’t see each other a lot, so I always order three pints to remember the good times.”

The man does this several times over a period of a few months. He gets to be a regular, and all the other regulars in the bar know about his ritual.

Then one day the Irishman comes to the bar and orders two pints. Everybody in the bar falls quiet. Finally the bartender approaches him. “I’m terribly sorry about your brother,” he says quietly.

“Oh, no, he’s fine,” the man replies. “You see, I’ve quit drinking.”

8

Paddy and Mick were leaving the pub after it had closed late one night and didn’t feel like the long walk home so decided to take the bus. On ariving at the bus depot they found everything shut for the night and the last bus long gone. Paddy said to Mick “no problem, i’ll break in get a bus and drive us both home”.
So Mick waits outside as look out. After 15 minutes he gets impatient and goes in to see what is holding up Paddy. “Paddy for God’s sake what’s taking you so long”?? Paddy replies " I can’t find the 372 bus for our line anywhere"
“For the love of God” says Mick, “just take a 400 and we will get off at the roundabout and walk home”!!

9

An Irish guy walks out of a bar.

(Yes, that is funny. No, really)

An Irish guy walks into a bar, says hi to the locals, sits at the bar and orders a double whisky, straight up. He quickly downs it and orders another. After drinking the second, he looks in his shirt pocket, sighs, and orders another. He quickly downs it, takes another quick glance into his pocket, sighs again, and orders another. (Continue as long as necessary. This joke can be much more fun if you do the shots along with our hero). The bartender notices the ritual, and finally asks the man what he has in his pocket. “It’s a picture of my wife,” he replied. “When she starts looking good, I’ll go home.”

An Irish man walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender is a bit suprized, but mixes one up and sets it down. The man quickly drinks it, and sets the olives aside. This continues for a while, and finally the bartender asks the man if he would like his next drink without the olives. “No,” he replied. “You see, the wife sent me out to get a jar of olives. . .”

That last one doesn’t seem quite right, but hopefully you’ll be able to improve upon it. Have fun!

10

The Pope and the Queen are sitting in front of a massive audience, half of the throng is British, the other, Irish.

The queen turns to the Pope and says “watch this…I can have half of this crowd whipped up into a frenzy by using just my right hand”. The Pope says “Oh really my child. I’d love to see it”. So the Queen slowly stands up, and the British in the crowd fall silent. She raises her right hand, and you could almost hear one million british men hold their breath in reverence. Suddenly the Queen swung her hand around, exposing the magnificent royal ring. The Brits screamed until they where hoarse, jumped up and down until they fell down, and eventually collapsed down on to the ground. At that, the Queen sat down.

The Pope tells the queen “that was truly amazing. But I too, can whip half this crowd into a frenzy.” “Nonsense” the Queen says. "I’ve seen the state of Cathalosism in Ireland. Maybe forty years ago, but not today. “Well” the Pope replies, “We’re the richest of the world, what do you say to a Trillion dollar bet?”

“Bring it on” replies the queen.

So the Pope slowly stands up, and most of the Irish in the crowd fall silent. The Pope slowly raises his right hand, and some of the Irish in the crowd draw their breath.

Then the Pope slapped the Queen across her face.

11

An Irish guy, a New Yorker, and a Texan sit down for a drink (a Guiness, a Sam Adams and a Shiner, respectively). Amazingly enough, three flies come along and end up falling into each beer. The New Yorker shudders and asks the bartender for a new beer. The Texan shrugs, flicks the fly out of his beer, and continues drinking. The Irish guy picks up the fly by its wings and screams, “Spit it out you wee bastard! Spit it out!!”

12

[slight hijack]
In India, the letter joke becomes a Sardar Joke
[/slight hijack]

13

Apparently this stuff needs to have ten characters outside of quotes. Bollocks!

14

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.

So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No,it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.”

“What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town,folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes.”

This guy walks into a supermarket one day.
The Irish assistant comes up to him and says ‘How can I help you’.

The guy says ‘I’m looking for a deodorant’.

The Irish assistant says to him ‘Ball or aerosol ?’

And the guy says quizzically ‘No. For under the arms’.

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
‘You’d never believe it,’ said Paddy, ‘but I got it in church.’

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.

‘All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me,’ said Paddy.

It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. ‘I got it in church,’ he began to explain.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.

‘My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I know she didn’t like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!’

15

Gee, Thanks for that clarification. Seamus and Sean were Irish, were they? Who’d have thought?

16

Father Flanagan gave a most heated sermon at mass last week. He was ranting and howling and warning the congregation against eternal damnation. He spoke of the horrors of Hell and of the blissful reward of Heaven. And he addressed the congregation:

“I know all of you want to go to Heaven, but many of you must change your ways! Who here wants to spend eternity in God’s love? Who wants to see the reward of Paradise? Stand up! Stand up, all of you who want to go to Heaven!”

The entire congregation stands.

“Good!” replies Father Flanagan. “Be seated.”

The entire congregation sits.

“Now! Stand up all of you who want to go to Hell!”

The congregation remains seated and silent. After a moment of silence, McGowan stands up.

“McGowan!” yells Father Flanagan, “Do you want to go to Hell?”

“No, Father. But I hated to see you standing all by yourself.”

17

Michael and Niall were walking past the church. Niall says to Michael, “I’m going to stop and go to confession. I need to ask the priest for absolution.”

“Absolution for what?” asks Michael.

“I’ve been engaging in sexual intercourse with a young lady, yet we are not married.”

Niall goes into the confessional, kneels down and says,
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been engaging in sexual intercourse with a young lady, yet we are not married.”

The Priest says, “Who have you been with, my son?”

Niall replies, “Father, I couldn’t tell you that, it wouldn’t seem right to.”

“If one of the girls in my Parish has strayed into sin, I should know about it,” answers the Priest.

But Niall would not give the Priest a name.

“Was it Nancy McFadden?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it Molly O’Shea?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it Mary Fogarty?”

“No, Father.”

“My son, if you can’t tell me who you have been with then I can’t give you absolution.”

Niall leaves the confessional and meets up again with Michael.

Michael asks, “So, did the priest give you absolution?”

Niall answers, “No, but he gave me three very good leads.”

18

The Pope was worrying over some questions of Faith and felt that he needed to speak with God directly. He picks up the phone and dials the operator and asks to be connected with the Heavenly Throne.

He is told that the charge for the call will be Seven Hundred Billion Dollars. Despondent, the Pope tells the operator to cancel the call as he can not afford it.

A few months later the Pope was visiting with a Bishop in Ireland. He told the Bishop that he wished he could call God on the telephone but that it was too expensive.

The Bishop offered, “Holy Father, you are welcome to use my phone to make the call if you like.”

Surprised, the Pope asks, “But how will you ever afford to pay the cost?”

The Bishop answers, “Holy Father, you’re in Ireland. It’s a local call.”

19

One Saturday night a publican had an Irishman come in and order 3 pints of Guinness. The publican set them before the Irishman and he proceeded to drink from each in turn. The publican came over to ask what the Irishman was doing - wouldn’t he prefer 3 fresh drinks one after the other? The Irishman explained that he had 2 brothers, one in New York and one in Sydney Australia and they had promised to share a drink every Saturday night as long as they lived. He explained that right now in New York and Sydney his brothers were drinking 3 Guinnesses with him.

Every week the Irishman came in and drank 3 Guinnesses until a year later he came in and only bought two. Touched by the family tradition the publican approached him.

“I’m sorry to see that one of your brothers has died,” he said nodding toward the two pints.

“Oh no, me brothers are fine,” said the Irishman, " it’s just that I’ve given up drinking."

20

My ancestors came from Ireland, so here goes.

This Irishman stumbling home one night trips and falls into the woods. When he awakens in the morning he sees that he has passed out trapping a Leprechaun beneath him. The man being hungover and not realizing his luck offers the little elf his last touch of whiskey and offers to pay him for his trouble if he only had any change.

The Leprechaun asks how his wife is going to respond to his being out drunk all night. To which he replies that he has no wife, nor girlfriend to answer to.

The man apologizes and hurries away without getting his three wishes. The Leprechaun decides to grant the man three wishes of his own choosing because he seemed a worthy soul.

“A purse that is never empty, a flask that is always full and a woman to warm his bed at night.” says the Leprechaun.

Several months pass and the little elf is curious. So, he finds the lucky Irishman one night walking home and asks. “So, how are ya since last we met. Have ye any coin in ya purse?”
“Aye” says the gent, “More than I can spend.”

and whiskey…can ya spare a drink?

“For sure, for sure, there’s always aplenty.”

and women, how about them?

“Aye, at least two or three nights a week.”

to which the Leprechaun says, “What…only two or three nights a week? That’s not exactly a lot.”

and the Irishman says, “Aye perhaps, but that twice as much as the other priests in me parish.”

:smiley: