St. Patrick Day Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have about five St. Patrick Day Jokes. I’d like more. About 1/2 of my friends are Irish, so I always love having jokes they don’t know. (I’m from the O’Porter/O’Lindhe waaay east side of Ireland)

Please post jokes that are specific to the Irish, not something that could be "So the (ethnic) guy says . . . "

Here’s a few they’ve heard already.

Paddy comes into confession and says, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I blew up 20 miles of English railroad tracks outside of London and another 10 miles north or Dorcester.”

The Father says, “For your penance, you must do the stations.”

An Englishman and an Irishman live next door to each other. One day, one of the Irishman’s chickens lays an egg in the Englishman’s garden. The Irishman starts to climb over then fence to get it and the Englishman says, “Stop now, the egg is on my side of the fence, so it’s mine!”

The Irishman says, “It’s my chicken, so the egg is mine, regardless of where it is.” The Englishman disagrees and they get into an arguement.

Finally, the Irishman says, “Let’s settle it like we did in the old country. We’ll stand back two paces from one another. You can take one step forward and kick the other fellow in the balls as hard as you can. The one who stands up the quickest gets the egg.”

The Englishmans agrees to the contest and agrees that the Irishman can go first, since it was his chicken.

The Irishman stands back two paces and then steps forward, kicking the Englishman in the balls as hard as he can. The Englishman falls to the ground and struggles back up after a moment. “It’s my turn now!”, he says.

And the Irishman says, “Feck ya, keep the goddamn egg.”

What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patrick’s Day, everyone wants to be Irish.

And yours?

2

Paddy O’Furniture.

[is the punch line enough on this one, or do you need the joke, too?]
[it’s “what’s Irish and sits outside in the summertime?”]

3

Paddy O’furniture… I love that joke! I guess I’ll have to post a different one!

An Irishman living in America, goes to the same Irish Pub every weekend and orders up three beers. This goes on for several weeks, finally, curiosity get the best of the bartender. He asks the Irishman, “Sean, you come in here every weekend and always order three beers at a time. Why is that?” “Well,” Sean says, “It’s for my two brothers in Ireland. When I moved to this country, I swore to them that I’d always drink a beer for them, when I went to a pub”. A few weeks later, Sean comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender says, “I’m sorry for your loss. One of your brothers must have died?” Sean says “What are you talking about? These two beers are for them. I decided to go on the wagon for a while!”

4

What’s the difference between an Irish Wake and an Irish Funeral?

One less drunk person.

5

Am I the only one here disturbed by people posting jokes about a thirty year campaign of terrorism that has claimed hundred of lives?

If I posted jokes here about flying aeroplanes into tall buildings would you enjoy that?

6

Enright3 I really like the joke about the Irishman living in America. There is one alternative punch line you might appreciate.

“I joined the Baptist church last week so I can’t drink anymore.”

Hey, it gets big yucks in the good ol southern USofA.

7

Do you know any good ones?

One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes tothe doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, “Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I’m a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning I can tell exactly what’s wrong.”

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, “The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don’t know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?”

Mr. Flanagan replied, “I don’t know, but if you go see Mrs. O’Toole, she’ll know what to do.”

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O’Toole’s and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?”

“I went to see Mrs. O’Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said ‘Piss in a bottle, woman.’ So, I said ‘Go shit in yer hat !’ and the fight was on.”

8

Two Irish ladies were standing on a sidewalk in Dublin when they saw the rabbi walking down the opposite side of the street. They watched as he approached the door of what they knew was a house of ill fame. They were horrified when they saw him go right up to the door and then enter.

“Did ye see that, Mrs. Flannery? The rabbi, a man o’ God, goin’ into that filthy house of sin!”

As they were shaking their heads in disbelief they saw the vicar coming from the opposite direction, making a bee-line for the whorehouse door. As he went inside Mrs. Flannery turned to her companion.

“Oh, the shame of it, Mrs. Fox! The vicar himself, a man of the cloth, goin’ into that filthy house o’ sin and corruption!”

The two ladies had scarcely collected themselves when they saw the priest approaching the same door. As he went inside Mrs. Fox said, “Sure, and the darlin’ girl must be turrible sick!”

9

A huge beer convention was being held in Dublin, with all of the major beer companies attending and showing their latest wares.

After one of the convention nights the Budwiser and Coors reps went out for a pint with the Guinness rep down in Temple Street.

The belly up to the bar and the Bud rep says “Bartender, give me an ice cold Budwieser!”

The Coors guy says “You know, I think I’ll have a Coors!”

The Guinness guy says “Water for me thanks!”

The two yanks look at him and start laughing and say “You know, you Irish have an undeserved reputation, I mean we heard you all drink all the time, how come you’re not drinking a beer right now?”

The Guinness rep replies “Well if you two aren’t having any beer then why should I?”

10

My apologies to anyone whwo enters this thread. whistlepig started one about two threads down that got in about thirty minutes before I did. I just didn’t see it. I moved my post down, and I think the next one is there, too.

Will an administrator please cancel this thread?

Again, I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

Thanks.

11

Moderator’s Notes:

No problem. I can now simply merge the two.

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As the note in the last post says, I accidentally started a thread before I saw this one. I copied the joke in this thread , and then the whole thing got moved. Didn’t mean to have a double post. I’ll get it right, I promise.

Meanwhile, here’s another gentle joke for St. Patric’s Day:

Father Finnigan periodically called on parishioners in his rural parish in Ireland to see how they were doing and whether they needed anything. His was visiting Mrs. Doyle one afternoon, having a cup of tea when Mrs. Doyle started, “Faith, 'tis the pies! The pies are done and will burn if I don’t remove them from the oven right now!”

She raced for the kitchen. The priest followed her and watched as she took two large pies from the oven and placed them on the window sill to cool.

“Mrs. Doyle,” said Father Finnigan, “I couldn’t help noticin’ that ye have a large ‘TM’ carved in the crust of each pie. Could ye be tellin’ me what that means?”

“Well, Father,” replied Mrs. Doyle, indicating one of the pies, “On this pie TM means 'tis mince. And on that pie,” she said, pointing to its twin, “it means 'tain’t mince.”

13

I like your punch line better than mine! Oh… and I am from the South… now. I live in Atlanta. Where are you?

E3!

14

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a pub together, and each order a pint of Guinness. Just before any can take a drink, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and mumbles that unintelligible “Wot, wot” crap they’re fond of.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!”

15

Q-- Whats a mile long, with an arsehole at each end?
A-- St. Patricks day parade

16

Good one. I heard that one as “What’s long and green and has an arsehole every six feet?” Still a winner though.

17

Here’s one from a card my parents sent me: What does an Irishman get when he eats Italian food? Gaelic breath.

18

I like this one…

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman… The first man says, “Watch this…” He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, “Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.” The Irishman just replies, “Oh, is that so now?” The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “Here, lemme try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now?” So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, “Well, now, I gotta try that!” So he walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!”

And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were sayin.”

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Double post removed.

20

A priest walks into a pub one afternoon and finds several of his parishoners bellied up to the bar. He approaches the first and says Sean Malloy do you want to go to heaven? Malloy looks at the priest and says aye father I do. So the priest tells Malloy to leave the pub. The priest goes to the next one and says Shamus Farral do you want to go to heaven? Farral looks at the priest and says aye father I do. So the priest tells Farral to leave the pub. Next the priest comes to Thomas McGrath and says McGrath do you want to go to heaven and McGrath looks at the priest and says no father. The priest says McGrath do you mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven? And McGrath says to the priest when I die certainly, I was afraid you were trying to get a group together now.

Beerfan