These two are from cards.
On the front of one there is a brown, rodentlike creature with big buck teeth, saying things like “Faith, sure and begorra, top o’ the morning to you!” On the inside the card says “Gopher brogue!”
The other card has a person on the front, pointing excitedly, and saying, “Look, look! I just spotted a leprachaun!” On the inside there is a picture of a very cranky looking leprechaun, with big, ORANGE, paint spots all over him.
An Irishman was stumbling home with a bottle of booze in his pocket when he tripped and fell. Feeling something wet on his leg he cried out, “Please, God! Let it be blood!”
Oldie but a goodie:
Are you aware that Ireland is the richest country in the world. It’s capital’s been Dublin for years.
[sub]say it out loud[/sub]
So this Irishman walks out of a pub…
What? It could happen!
A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!”, Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”
She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
Glad to see someone ressurected this thread. After watching the parade today, I remembered this one:
Why do bagpipers walk as they play?
To get away from the sound.
And then there’s the one about the octopus and the bagpipes, but I can’t quite remember it.
Whistlepig
Sean Finnigan was on his death bed. His lifelong friend Seamus O’Connor was at his side, offering comfort.
“Seamus, me old friend, whould ye be doin’ me a favor?” asked the dying man with wheezing breath.
“That I would, Sean. Name it.”
“In that cupboard yonder is a bottle of Irish whiskey I’ve kept for thirty years. When I go, would ye sprinkle it over me grave?”
“Of course, Sean,” replied Seamus with a tear in his eye. “But would ye be mindin’ very much if I passed it through me kidneys first?”
A terrible storm sinks the ship, leaving Patrick and Michael in the water. They see a lifeboat and swim for it, climbing aboard. As Michael surveys the angry skies, Patrick rummages in the emergency supply bag, and finding a lantern, vigorously rubs it.
POOF! a genie appears, and informs Patrick that he’ll be granted one wish. Without hesitation, Patrick says that he wishes for the sea to be turned into Guinness. With a clap of his hands, it is done and the genie vanishes.
Left alone again, the two survey the brown froth lapping against their craft. With a look of disgust Michael says, “Nice going, Patrick. Now we’ll have to pee in the boat!”
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Conner?” says Sean. “He couldn’t do that to you; he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy. “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Hold up two shovels and tell him to take his pick.
What’s a seven-course Irish meal?
A baked potato and a six-pack
How does an Irish wedding report begin in the newspaper?
“Among the injured were…”
I’ll remember better ones right after I hit the “submit reply” buton.
For more Irish jokes:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=169461
Thanks a heap,DMark. Now I had to read that thread to be sure I didn’t duplicate any…and I already had! :smack:
The new bride, Maggie Sheehan, returned from her ten-day honeymoon, hurried to her doctor in Belfast, considerably upset, and said, “‘Tis them pills ye did give me, doctor. . . for the birth control. They just ain’t a-workin’ right.”
“Not workin’ is it?” the doctor frowned. “But, Maggie Sheehan, you’ve not been married two weeks! Sure, and ye cannot tell if they be workin’ or not.”
“'Tis sure I am, sure as snuff.”
“But that is not possible, lass.”
“Doctor, I’ve been usin’ them pills every night, and many a toime during the day. . . but the blarsted things keep a-fallin’ out!”
A young Irishwoman emigrates to America and gets a job as a housemaid. One morning as she’s changing the bed linen, she gasps in horror. The lady of the house runs in to see her pointing at a used condom in the bed.
“What’s the matter? don’t you use those things in Ireland?”
“Yes, Ma’am–but we don’t skin them first!”
What’s the name of that skinny, little Irish girl?
Anne O’Rexia
…and her cousin with the heart problems?
Angie O’Plasty
Old Seamus McCord was dying. For two months he had lain in his bed, and the number of times Father Murphy had come to comfort him were beyond counting. One fierce winter night, with the thermometer below twenty and a howling wind blowing the snow and rattling the shutters, old Seamus called out, “Mrs. McCord . . . Mrs. McCord . . .”
His wife was at his side in a flash. “Yes, me darlin’?”
“Mrs. McCord,” breathed the old man, “go to the phone and call that rabbi around the corner, Kaminsky is his name, and beg him, in the name o’ the Lord, to hurry over.”
“Rabbi Kaminsky?!” echoed his wife. “‘Tis mad you are! Sure, you must be wantin’ me to call Father Murphy!”
Mrs. McCord clasped her hands and gazed heavenward. “Oh, God, forgive this poor soul, raving so. Why, in the hour of his assing, would he want a rabbi?”
One of Seamus McCord’s eyelids lifted. “Because, woman, I wouldn’t ask a priest to come out on a godawful night like this!”
Yikes!!! That was “hour of his passing.” That’ll teach me to use the preview. :o
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are walking down the street together, when the Scotsman pulls out a bottle of fine single-malt, takes a swig, and throws the rest of the bottle over his shoulder, to shatter on the sidewalk behind him. He explains, saying, “Where I come from, we’ve got so damned much whiskey, that we have to get rid of it like that.”
The Irishman thinks for a moment, then throws the Englishman over his shoulder.
An Irish Priest is travelling in England. It’s the day before Easter. He gets a phone call from his Bishop back home. "Father, the local Priest there in Ely is sick. I need you to say the mass at the Cathedral. The Priest replies, “But your holiness, (or whatever), I cannot! You know how I hate the English!” “I know father, but the order comes straight from the Pope. You must do it!” So he reluctantly agrees. Easter morning, the Priest is delivering the sermon, and he is recounting the story of the Last Supper: "So Jesus stands and says, ‘One of you here will betray me!’ Peter asks, ‘Is it I, Lord?’ Mathew asks, ‘Is it I, Lord?’ But Jesus says, ‘No, tis Judas! Judas will betray me!’ And Judas stands and says ‘Cor Blimey, Guvnuh! What d’you think I’d go and do a thing like that for?’
Q: Why doesn’t Ireland have any hockey teams?
A: Because when Irishmen see that much ice they always pour whiskey over it!
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”"
“It’s great! I hit under par every time.”
“I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”
The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”
“I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?” The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “What? Only once or twice a week?”
“Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”
Geezer –
That joke used to be an old favorite of mine but it had fallen out of the repertoire.
Thanks for reminding me.