St. Patrick's Day Joke Thread

What? Today’s St. Patrick’s Day, and there’s not a joke thread?
My middle name is Enright, but my last name is McCormick.

I’ll start…
The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. I enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.’

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?’ asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’

Paddy Murphy replies, ‘Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’

An Irishman is sitting a a bar drinking.
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, “Can I give you a blow job?”
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bartender comes over and asks, “Why did you hit that guy?”
The Irish man replied, “He said somethin’ about me gettin’ a job”

The phone rang in Pres. Sarcozy’s office.


“President Sarkozy. this here is Paddy McMurphy from Dublin. Me and some boys here at the pub have decided that we’re declaring war on France.”

“Well, Mr. McMurphy,” Sarkozy said with a smile, “the French Army has a million men, 1000 tanks and 1500 jet fighters. I believe we’re ready to take you on. How many men do you have?”

“Well, it’s just me and my two mates. I’ll get back to you.”

The next week Sarkozy’s phone rang again. “Pres. Sarkozy? Paddy McMurphy again. I’ve got the lads from the darts team ready ta join up. We’re ready for our war with France.”

“Well, Mr. McMurphy, since we last spoke, the National Assembly has drafted an additional 500,000 men, added 500 tanks and 1200 jets to counter your “Irish Threat.”,” replied Sarkozy.

“Half a million men more? Let me get back to you,” was the reply.

The next week the phone rang again. “All right Sarkozy! I’ve added the neighbourhood football squad to our ranks. We’re ready to fight! Bring on your million and a half!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I ordered the reserves to mobilize. The army is up to 2 million, with 2500 tanks and 3000 top of the line Mirage jets.”

There was silence for a minute. “Well, Mr. President, I’m afraid we’re gonna have to call off the war. I’m just afraid we can’t handle that many POWs.”

An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman sit down at the bar and order pints. A fly lands in each of their beers. The American pushes the beer away in disgust. The Englishman takes the fly out and throws it aside and continues to drink. The Irishman picks up his fly and starts screaming at it. “Spit it out ya bastard! Spit it out.”

Did you hear about the brewery worker who died after a fall into a vat of Guiness Stout? Seems that the third time he got out to go to the bathroom he slipped on the ladder and cracked his skull.

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O’Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.

“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do.”

O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”

“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”

O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

What time is it after eating too many beans?


Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why do Irish men wear kilts?

Scots have even better hearing than sheep.

I don’t know how to do Irish dialect, so you’ll have to imagine it as you read.

Two Irish guys are sitting next to each other in bar, downing their umpteenth whiskeys.
One turns to the other one and says, “Am I right that you’re a fellow Irishman?”
“As a matter of fact, I am.”
“Where are you from, may I ask?”
“I’m from Dublin.”
“What a coincidence! I’m from Dublin, too!”
“Which part of Dublin are you from?”
“The Liberties. And you…?”
“Also in the Liberties, on Donovan Street.”
“I live on Donovan Street! 46 Donovan Street, to be exact.”
“I don’t know how to say this… I live at Number 46.”
“You never! Next you’re going to tell me your name is also Murphy.”
“My name *is *Murphy!”
At this point they’re getting quite loud, and one of the out-of-towners asks, “What’s going on here?”
The bartender shrugs and says, “Nothing to worry about. The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Paddy O’Brian goes to leave the pub after a long night. He gets up from his barstool and falls flat on his face. Thinking some fresh air will clear hi head, he drags himself out of the bar and onto the sidewalk. He pulls himself up and falls again. Realizing he’s in worse shape than he thought, he flagged down a taxi and thought he could sober up a bit on the way home. He gets to his house, pays the cabbie, opens the door and falls to the ground again. At this point, he gives up, and crawls up the walk to his house. And, as sneakily as he can while dragging himself along, he attempts to get into bed without waking his wife.

“Been drinking again, Paddy?”
“Just a bit, why?” asks Paddy.

“The bar called, you left your wheelchair again!”

Why did it take so long for St. Patrick to drive the snakes out of Ireland?

Because he had to fasten all the little-bitty seat belts, first.


What’s a mile long, green, and has an asshole every three feet?

A St. Patrick’s Day parade.

What do you call a lounge set on an Irish lawn?

Paddy O’Furniture.

Paddy O’Houlihan walks into a Boston bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness. The bartender asks “Why three?”

“Oh, when I moved to the States from dear old Ireland, me two brothers and I agreed we’d each drink three pints every Saturday, one for ourself and one for each brother.”

The bartender replies, “Wow, that’s a great thing to do.”

So for the next few years, Paddy comes in every Saturday and drinks his three pints. Then, one night he orders two pints. The bartender says, “Why only two pints? I hope nothing happened to one of your brothers.”

“Oh no, they’re fine. It’s just that my doctor told me I have to quit drinking.”

An American, an Englishman and an Irishman are travelling along and it is late. So they decide to rest in a barn along the way. As they are about to settle in the farmer comes in, shouting, “Who’ sin here??”. The three men quickly hide in burlap sacks they found on the floor.

The farmer sees the bags on the floor and kicks one. The American goes “Oink!”. The farmer moves on to the next bag and gives a small kick, the englishman goes, “Bawk! Bawk!”. The former nods his head and goes to the third bag and gives it a gentle kick, the Irishman yelss out, “Potatoes!”

An Irishman is going door to door in a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs.

He knocks at the door of one house.

A man comes to the door, and the Irishman asks him, “D’ye have any work t’day?”

The man says, “Well as a matter of fact I do. I need someone to paint the porch. Go around the side of the house, and you’ll find the paint cans and brushes. Come back when you’re done, and I’ll pay you.”"

The Irishman says “Foin!” and toddles off around the house to do the job.

He comes back a half hour later and knocks on the door again. When the man comes to the door he says “I’m all done!”

The man says “That was fast! You’re a very quick worker!”

The Irishman says to him “That I am, that I am. And by the way, I’ve got a little tip for you - That’s not a Porsche, it’s a Mercedes!”

I’m Dublin over with laughter here.

An Irishman walks out of a bar…

What??!? It could happen!

David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen…

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump… A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood…

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

David said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly … it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

I’'m a teller of terrible jokes, and I plan to get drunk and tell a few tonight. Some versions of a few I know were even listed in this thread. But, as of right this second, there is no joke I am more looking forward to telling tonight than this one. Especially after a few dirty ones, just for that extra element of surprise. I’d never heard it before and it appeals to my sense of silliness. Thanks!