For St. Patrick's Day . . . some Irish humor

Cafe Society
1

Mrs. Flynn and Mrs. Dugan are standing on a street corner in Dublin. They see
the local vicar walking down the other side of the street. He approaches what
the two women know is a house of ill repute, walks right up to the door, and
enters the building.

“Did you see that, Mrs. Dugan?” says the horrified Mrs. Flynn. “The vicar, a man
of the cloth, goin’ into that filthy house of sin.”

As they shake their heads in disbelief, the local rabbi approaches the same
building from the opposite direction, walks right up to the door, and enters.

“Oh, the shame of it,” says Mrs. Dugan. “The rabbi, a man of God, enterin’ that
vile house of debauchery an’ corruption!”

The two women are still shocked by what they’ve just seen, when Father Fox walks
directly up to the whorehouse. Without a plause he walks right through the door.

“Bigorra!” says Mrs. Flynn. “Sure, an’ the darlin’ girl must be turrible sick!”

Newlywed Maggie O’Connor goes to her doctor, greatly upset.

“Doctor,” she cries, “those pills ye did give me for the birth control ain’t a’
workin’.”

“What do ye mean, ‘not working’. Mrs. O’Connor? Did you follow my instructions?”

“Oy did, Doctor.”

“Did you take one every day like I said?”

“Yes, Doctor,” says Maggie. “Oy took one on the first day, an’ the second day,
an’ the tird day, just loyk you told me . . . but Doctor, how do oy keep the
blarsted things from fallin’ out?”

Okay, what have you got?

2

Two pilots, Paddy and Murphy were coming into land at Dublin Airport.

Paddy turned to Murphy and said “There’s no way we can land a plane like this on a runway that short!”

Murphy replied “It might be short, but jus look ow feckin wide it is!”

3

http://youtube.com/watch?v=OKBCCDOUS9U

4

Q. What’s Irish and sits outside all summer?

A. Paddy O’Furniture.

OK, that’s all I got. *slinks away

5

I’ve posted this before, at Thanksgiving, but so what?

[QUOTE=Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor]
**This Post Inspired by Jonathan Swift’s " A Modest Proposal".

Therefore, it’s Literary. So there!

And BTW: I’m of Irish Descent Myself.**

I’m making Bosda’s Irish Stew Deluxe for dinner tonight. If you want some, pay attention and I’ll tell you how to make it.

First off, you have to get the ingredients, or nothing will come of it. You have to use quality stuff, or you’ll wind up with Joe’s Grease-Trap Stew instead of Bosda’s Deluxe. Adjust your quantity depending on how much you want to make. The Hell’s Angels are coming, so this feeds 300 angry bikers.

Stay away from stewed Irishmen. Also, do not stew the peasantry. I use about 300 lbs. of Irish Orphan tip. If you’re completely rippped or out of your mind, you can use Scotsman instead. :smiley:

Cut the Irishmen into 1" squares and throw them into a big frying pan with a little virgin. Preferably a Blonde. But Blonde Virgins are hard to find, so substitute a Redhead, instead. You’re going to sear the meat on high heat to seal in the flavour, & muffle the screams.

Put the diced Irishmen in a dish because you’re going to need the frying pan to brown the 3 medium onions you chopped up, & that I forgot to mention, so go to your neighbor & borrow some quick, before this vile mess burns, & it gets fouler than actually neccessary.
“But Bosda, I don’t like onions.” So suck it up, Fatboy!

You’d be getting on my nerves, if I cared. <sulk>

Next up are the potatoes. You’ll need about oh, 600 or so. Peel them and chop them up about the same size as your meat. Not the meat in the tray, you moron, your meat. In yer pants, fool! The ladies have problems with this part of the recipe. They ask *“What To Do?” * I reply “Don’t make this recipe.”

Now put the meat, potatoes and onions in an unwashed creosote barrel, as found in every Australian home. Make sure you have lots of room left over, because we have to add more stuff.

Put enough dirty dishwater in the barrel that will completely cover your barrel and your sins at least 3" above the stuff you just put in. Now crush a couple of small kittens in it and heat it up so that the steam hides the horror. Add a cup of whiskey. I use lots of whiskey. Pour the foul effluvium into the barrel, add a couple of bay leaves, a couple of yards of cheesecloth, some ground gunpowder and a sprinkle of broken glass. Cover and put in the oven at 350F. Have a sip of whiskey. And another. If you drink enough, you can tell the judge you weren’t in your right mind.

Time to do the neighbors. You need babies. Don’t be cheap with them. They add colour, texture and flavour to your creation. Parsons are an absolute must. Three big ones, chopped up (not too fine) will do it. A couple of handfuls of lug nuts. Frozen is okay. One medium Economist, chopped.
“But, Bosda…” Shut up, you swine! :mad:

A handful of burlap threads. You heard me.

Some chopped law books. And some magic mushrooms. Have a sip of whiskey. A little drinky-winky makes the World go away!

After the barrel has been in the oven for about 45 minutes, add the neighbors, but not the magic mushrooms. Stir and cover up your offences. Make sure the fingerprints are wiped! WHISKEY! WHISKEY! WHISKEY! WHERE’S TH’ WISHKEEE! WHEEE!

Open the oven in about an hour, and remove the your socks, because we want the smell to reduce. Let it cook for about another hour and you’re finished. Now that wasn’t hard at all, was it? Have a double scotch because you’re done. Yes, by now, you’re totally stewed. Very Irish. Don’t forget the magic mushrooms. Fresh, chopped, & mixed with quarters. The kind you get in a bank. Put them in at about the last ten minutes.

Serve in big bowls with beer and lots of rye. Add salt to taste. Only, if yer eatin; this, you got no taste.
Only trouble is, after eating a bowl of this, you’ll be arrested, & on the front page of the Enquirer in three days.

A final note: Don’t bother cleaning up. You haven’t bathed before, why start now? :smiley:
[/QUOTE]

6

[QUOTE=pool]
http://youtube.com/watch?v=OKBCCDOUS9U
[/QUOTE]

:smiley:

7

Did you hear about the Irish Nobel Prize winner?

He was out standing in his field.

8

Apologizing in advance…

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

9

O’Brien, on his death bed turned to Father O’Connor and said “Father, I’ve thought it through, and I’d like to become a protestant.”

Father O’Conner asked “Now why on Gods good Earth would you turn your back on Catholicism this close to the end!”

O’Brien replied “Well Father, tis better that one of them die than a good Catholic Lad.”

10

An Irish girl came to America and went to work as a housemaid for a rich married couple. One morning as she was changing the bed linen, she let out a terified shriek. The lady iof the house came in to the bedroom to see what was wrong and saw the girl pointing at a used condom in the sheets.
“What’s wrong, Kathleen? Surely you use those things in Ireland, too?”
“Sure and we do ma’am, but we don’t skin them first!”

11

One of the many chaplains I was blessed to know in my Army brat days was a certain Father Ed Sullivan (requiescat in pacem). He started every sermon with a clean Irish joke. This was his favorite.

Father O’Connell is standing before his parish, delivering his sermon in fine form. “All those of ye who want to go to heaven,” he said, “please stand up.” Naturally the whole congregation rises. He waits a moment, then asks them all to sit back down. After a dramatic pause, he says “All right now, those of ye who want to go to Hell…please stand up.” He pauses again, and a tranquil smile shows on his face as the congregation sits motionless. Just as he is about to speak, though, he notices movement in the last pew. Smiling sheepishly, McCarthy has just risen to his feet.

The priest is stunned. “Gerald Patrick McCarthy! What kind of shenanigan is this? Ya really and truly want to go to Hell?”

“Oh, no Father,” replied McCarthy. “I just though ye looked awful lonely standing there all by yerself.”

12

After a long night of drinking, Paddy O’Brien decides he’s had enough and that it’s time to go. He trys to stand up from his bar stool and collapses on the floor.

He decideds that maybe some fresh air will help, so he drags himself to the door of the bar. He trys to stand up again, and immediatley falls to the ground. A cab is coming down the road so he hails it and crawls into the backseat.

After about a 1/2 hour he gets home. Surely he has sobered up enough by now, so he opens the door of the cab and trys to walk to he front door. Once again, he hits the pavement.

He gives up and drags himself to his house and into his bed. His wife says, " Paddy! you been drinking again?"

“Oh, I’ve had a couple. Why?”

“The pub called.” she said “You’ve left your wheelchair there again.”

So, I guess it doesn’t have to be Irish. But that’s how it was told to me.

13

Did you know Jesus was Irish? He lived with his mother for 30 years, drank like it was a sacrament, and thought he was God Almighty.

14

A guy dies and goes to Heaven. He meets up with a old dead friend who offers to give him a tour.

While on the tour the guy sees Elvis.

“That’s Elvis! OMG, that’s actually Elvis! Oh and over there that’s John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix jamming. Wow this place is going to be great”

They turn another corner and the recently dead guy squeels “OMG, there’s Bono. I love U2…hey hold on Bono isn’t dead, what gives?”

His mate answers “Ah, that’s God. He just thinks he’s Bono”

15

How many Irish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. “You go down the pub and enjoy yourself, I’ll just sit here in the dark”

16

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“Sure and I can’t be telling you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Patricia Kelly?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Three month’s vacation and five good leads!” says Tommy.

17

[QUOTE=yojimbo]

:smiley:
[/QUOTE]

Holy chit, I’m dying!!! These are TOO funny!!!

18

Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said “I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?” The other one said “Two rattlesnakes!”

O’Connell was staggering home with a small bottle of Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman… The first man says, “Watch this…” He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, “Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.” The Irishman just replies, “Oh, is that so now?” The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “Here, lemme try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now?” So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, “Well, now, I gotta try that!” So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!”
And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were sayin.”

19

[QUOTE=saoirse]
Did you know Jesus was Irish? He lived with his mother for 30 years…
[/QUOTE]

…and insisted she was a virgin!
More of a Catholic joke, but…

On Career Day at the Catholic elementary school, Sister Mary O’Reilly had her impish young charges take turns standing up and stating what they’d like to be when they grew up.

Wee Timmy stood and exclaimed “I want to be a fireman when I’m big & strong!”

Li’l Janie rose and uttered “I want to be a doctor when I’m grown.”

Then young Suzie stands and plainly says “When I grow up, I’d surely like to become a prostitute.”

Of course, Sister Mary O’Reilly faints dead away. After a time, the other nuns discover the situation and attend to her. Finally, Sister Mary summons young Suzie to the front of the class.

“Would you be so kind as to repeat what you said afore my little spell?” says a now chilly Sister Mary O’Reilly.

“I said plainly ma’am,” says the nervous young bonnie, “that when I’d grown I’d like to become a prostitute.”

Sister Mary O’Reilly stares at her for nigh on a full minute, until finally a relieved smile spreads across her face.

“Ah! I thought I’d heard you say you wanted to be a protestant.”

20

British politician giving a speech: “I was born an Englishman, I’ve lived as an Englishman, and by God, I’ll die an Englishman.”

Irishman in the back: “Jayzus, man, have ye no ambition at all?”