St. Paddy's Day: Time For The Irish Jokes!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(I’m part Irish, so if the following aren’t PC enough for ya, well…too bad.)

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have
something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight.”

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim.
But where’s my husband?”
"That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda “There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned.”
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. “Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda… no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, "That he did, Father…
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
" She says, “He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either”

2

A pub gets a new bartender, and after a while he notices a regular with an odd habit. Every evening he comes in, sits at a table by himself, and orders three pints of Guinness. As the evening goes on, he sits alone, drinking one sip from each glass in turn.

“What’s with him?” the new guy asks the other bartender.

“Oh, that’s Paddy O’Grady. He has two brothers in America, one in Los Angelses and the other in New York. To keep close, every day each of them go to a local pub, orders three drinks and pretends they’re together.”

Well, that’s a lovely story, isn’t it? After a few months of this, Paddy comes in one day with tears in his eyes, and orders only two pints. “Oh, what’s wrong Paddy?” the bartender asks, “one of your brothers pass on?”

“No, it’s worse than that. Today me missus made me quit drinking.”

3

Of course, The Onion has an article for all occassions. http://www.theonion.com/onion3909/irish-americans.html

4

Irish Foreplay: “Brace yourself, Bridgett!”

An Englishman was driving through the Irish countryside when his car broke down. Being there were no mechanics in sight, he began walking to the nearest village. Along the way he came across a farmer on a horse-pulled cart.
“I say old boy, can you give me a lift to town?”
“Aye, that I can, lad.”
As he hopped in the back, he noticed there were some of the farm animals back there, too.
Suddenly, the cart lost traction and slid down the embankment into a ditch.
When the farmer came to, he checked over his livestock: the horse’s leg was snapped in two.
“Ach, Kate, I hate to do this…” He pulls out a revolver and blows the mare’s brains out.
Seeing his pig’s guts spilling out of a wound in its belly, says:“I’ll never get a penny for you at the market…” and destroys the sow in a similar fashion.
He turns to the Englishman, who suddenly screams"
“I NEVER FELT BETTER IN ME LIFE!!!”

5

Mike O’Halloran is up in the attic at St. Brigid’s fixing the wiring when he looks down through the light fixture and sees Mrs. O’Reilly kneeling down to pray. Thinkin’ to have a bit of fun, he calls out, “Mary O’Reilly! It is y’ur Lorrrd!”

Mrs. O’Reilly looks up and around and sees no one, so she goes back to her prayers.

Again, O’Halloran calls out, “Mary O’Reilly, Oi’d loik a wurd wit’ you. This is y’ur Lorrrd speakin’.”

Again Mrs. O’Reilly looks up and around and sees no one and goes back to her prayers.

A third time O’Halloran calls out through the light fixture, “Mary O’Reilly, Oi am y’ur Lorrd, I have a message f’r you.”

At this, Mrs. O’Reilly looks up to the ceiling and the heavens above and exclaims, “Oh hush, Oi’m here to have a wurd wit’ y’ur mother.”

6

A Texan walks into a bar in County Cork and says “This here Guinness stuff tastes awful. Don’t know how you-all can stand to drink it. In fact, I got 20 dollars says nobody here could drink twelve of these things.”

There’s no takers, just a little old guy who gets up and walks out.

So the Texan sits down and orders himself a Bass ale. Then the little old guy comes back and says, “Pardon me, but are ye still after makin’ that bet?”

“Sure” roars the Texan and slaps down the twenty. The bartender sets up a dozen Guinesses, and the little older fellow drinks them straight off.

“That’s amazing,” says the Texan. Then he thinks a minute and says, “Say, where did you go to a minute ago when you left here?”

“Oh, I jist went to th’ other pub around the corner, to make sure I could do it.”

7

One Irishman says to his best friend “Paddy, you’ve been me friend ever since grade school, and when I die, I want you to pour a bottle of Irish Whiskey over my grave.”

“I’d be honored,” his friend says, “but do you mind if it passes through me kidneys first?”

Ow! Ow! Stop hitting me!

8

Being part Irish and part Scottish means that I love to drink but hate to pay for it.

I only have a little blessing… the jokes will come after I’ve tossed back a few pints.

May the road rise to meet you and the wind be ever at your back, and may you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

9

Not new at all, but in case someone hasn’t seen it.

The heads of all the breweries are meeting at a conference. Afterward they decide to go grab a couple drinks at a bar. The Bartender comes around and asks what they want.

“Give me the King of Beers” says the guy from Budweiser.

“I would like the Silver Bullet” says the president of Coors.

The guy from Sam Adams asks " Can I get America’s World class beer?"

They go around the table and every body asks for a brew of their own brand. Finally they get to the president of Guinness. Everybody says " And he wants a Guinness!"
The guy says “No, Just a water please”

Evrybody looks amazed, and finally somebody asks “Why didn’t you get a Guinness?”

He says “Well, I’d feel uncomfortable if I was the only one drinking.”

10

An Englishman, a Mexican, and an Irishman walk into a bar and order a drink. A pint of Ol’ Speckeled Hen, a Corona, and a Guinness respectivly. As they’re waiting for thier drinks to settle, a few flies come buzzing by and land in the drinks. Upon seeing a fly in his drink the English man scoffs, hands the pint back to the barman, and orders another drink. The Mexican, seeing a fly in his beer shrugs, picks it out, and keeps on drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly by the wings, stares right into its compond eyes, and screams:

“SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!”

11

The priest is sweeping up in his church when he looks up – and, lo and behold, there are two leprechauns in the doorway!

They look uncomfortable, but the priest figures that we’re all God’s children, and so he says, “Can I help ye lads?”

One of the leprechauns shifts on his feet, hems and haws, and finally says, “Father. Are there any leprechaun nuns in this parish?”

The priest shakes his head. “Alas, there are no leprechaun nuns in this parish.”

The leprechaun thinks for a moment, and then asks, “Father, are there any leprechaun nuns in all Ireland?”

The priest smiles sadly. “No, me son, there are no leprechaun nuns in all Ireland.”

“Father,” asks the leprechaun urgently. “Are there any leprechaun nuns anywhere in the world?”

“No, me son,” answers the priest. “There are no leprechaun nuns in all the world.”

At this point, the other leprechaun bursts into raucous laughter and points at his friend. “HAW! I told ye ye fucked a penguin!”

Daniel

12

Young Johnny Murphy enters the confessional at church, and says “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I don’t know how to say this, but… I fornicated with one of the girls in the village.”

Father Callaghan is outraged, and asks, “Who was it? Who was the hussy that led you into temptation?”

“I’m sorry Father,” says Johnny, “but I swore to her I’d never tell.”

Father Callaghan huffs, “You don’t have to tell me, I know- it was that Sharon Reilly, wasn’t it?”

“No, Father.”

Father Callaghan thinks again, and says “Oho, I know- it was Bridget Flanagan, wasn’t it?”

“No, Father.”

At last, the priest roars, “Of course- you did it with Katie Gallagher, didn’t you?”

“No, Father.”

At last, the exasperated priest says, “All right, then, if you won’t tell… just say three Hail Marys, and be off with you.”

As Johnny left the church, a friend saw him and asked, “How did it go?”

“Not bad at all,” said Johnny. “The penance was light, and he gave me three sure prospects.”

13

Paddy and Mike are digging a ditch near a Dublin house of ill-repute. As they’re working, they see the Baptist preacher walk up the steps of the house.

Paddy says, “Ain’t that a shame, Mikey, a man o’ the cloth goin’ into a whorehouse.”

Mike nods and they keep on digging. After an hour or so more, they see a Methodist preacher looking around and running up the steps with his head down.

Paddy says, “Ain’t that a shame, Mikey. And him supposed to be so close to God.”

Soon afterward, a Catholic priest goes walking up the steps of the whorehouse.

Paddy stops digging, looks at Mikey, and says, “Ain’t that a shame. One o’ those poor girls must be dying.”

14

The best Irish joke I’ve ever heard was told to me by a farmer down in Co. Carlow, doesn’t get understood by a lot of people - I guess you have to live here:

There’s a bee-keeping conference in town, and the delegates are walking around it, examining different bee-keeping techniques.

They come upon the Englishman’s display stand. “So,” they ask, “what sort of setup do you have?”

“Well, I have twenty hives, and fifty-thousand bees. All my bees are kept in humane conditions, and I produce forty gallons of honey per annum.”

“Very impressive,” say the delegates, and proceed to the Texan’s stall.

“I’ve got two hundred thousand bees, and one hundred hives!” the Texan tells them. “My hives are air-conditioned, and I produce one hundred and twenty gallons of honey a year.”

“Wow! That’s amazing,” the delegates say, and continue to the Irishman’s stall.

“How many bees do you have?” ask the delegates.

“A million,” replies the Irish bee-keeper.

“And how many gallons of honey do you produce per annum?” they enquire.

“A few,” he replies.

“That’s incredible!” say the delegates. “So how many hives do you have?”

“One.”

“One!?” they exclaim. “But what about the bees’ standard of living, hygiene, and harvesting the honey?”

“Fuck 'em.”

15

Biblical proof that Jesus was Irish:

  1. He was 33 years old, unmarried and living with his mother.
  2. His last, dying request was for a drink.

Paddy and Sean meet in a bar in New York, and strike up a conversation. Paddy says to Sean, “Ah, you have a brogue. Are you from Ireland?” Sean replies, “I am!” Paddy says, “Sure, and I’m from Ireland, too! This calls for a drink!” So, Sean and Paddy each down a glass of Bushmill’s.

Sean asks Paddy, “Now, where in Ireland are you from?” Paddy says, “I’m from County Kerry.” In amazement, Sean replies, “Are you, now? I’m from County Kerry, too! This calls for a drink!” So, they each down another glass of Bushmill’s.

Paddy asks Sean, “So, what town are you from?” Sean replies, “Tis Killarney I’m from.” Paddy says, “Are ye, now? I’M from Killarney, too! This calls for a drink!” And they each down another glass of Bushmill’s.

Sean asks Paddy, “Now, when were you born?” Paddy says, “I was born on March 17, St. Patrick’s Day.” Paddy roars, “Why, that’s amazing! I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, too. THIS calls for a drink.” Both down another glass of Bushmill’s, and immediately pass out on the barroom floor.

A policeman stops in, sees the two men on the floor and asks, “What happened?”

The bartender shakes his head and says, “It’s nothing- the O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

16

This Dublin business guy wants a break from the hectic life in Dublin, and decides to rent a house in the middle of nowhere in the midlands (pick yer county…).
So he moves in, nothing but bog all around him, his next neighbour is about 20 miles away.

After about 2 months, it does get kind of boring, and it is exactly for this reason he answers the door when there’s a knock just a day later.

“howya, there, I’m yer neighbour from just up the road, and I wanted to ask ye sumtin” says the guy standing in front of him when he opens his door.

Says the dublin guys: “sure, what can I help ya with?”

Says his neighbour: “well, I’d like to invite you to a party, at my house, well, farm, tomorrow evening”.

Says the dublin guy: “yeah, nice one, I’ll be there. Haven’t been around people for ages. Could be fun.”

Says the neighbour: “maybe I should warn you, there’s going to be a fair amount of drinking, now, so I hope that’s not a problem for ya?”

Dubliner: hell no, I’ve been known to knock back a few meself in me drinking days!

neighbour: oh, and I might as well warn you, these things always have a fight or two in them along the course of an evening, that bother you at all ?

Dubliner: god, no, as long as i can throw in a few munches meself, i’ll be grand, like.

neighbour: oh, and just on the side, there’ll be plenty of sex, aswell, you ok with that?

Dubliner: hehe, the more the better, already looking forward to it! So, I’ll see you tomorrow night, just up the road you say? alright, c ya then.

SO the neighbour turns to leave, but right before he does leave, Dubliners shouts:
“wait, forgot to ask, what do I need to wear?”

Says the neighbour: “i don’t care, it’s just going to be the two of us there”

17

Irish guy walking down the beach trips over something, picks it up, and wouldn’t you know it, a magical Genie appeared. The genie does the usual routine (thanks for letting me out, you get three wishes etc). The irishman think for a moment, and says, “I’d like a glass of Guinness that’s never empty!” The genie smiles, nods, and POOF, there it is. The irishman shouts with glee, and proceeds to try out the glass. Sure enough it works, and the irishman can’t seem to contain his excitment. A couple hours go by, and genie gently reminds the man that he still has two more wishes. The irishman immediately cries out, “I’ll take two more of these!!”

Irish guy walks out of a bar… (ba dum tish)

18

I know it’s real old - but my favorite…

Q: What’s Irish, and sits on your lawn?

A: Paddy O’Furniture

19

The Pope and the Queen of England are on a stage in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leans over and says to the Pope, “Pope, do you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman and woman in the crowd.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by a woman, and incidentally one wearing a worse frock than he, replies, “Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.” The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

So the Pope slaps her.

20

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He asked, “Where have you been?”. God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds: “Look son, look what I’m after making”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

God replied, "It’s another planet but I’m after putting LIFE on it. I’ve named it earth and there’s going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there’s north America and south America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that’s going to be a hot spot.

Now look over here. I’ve put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south."

And then the archangel said, “And what’s that green dot there?”

And God said “Ahhh that’s Ireland-that’s a very special place. That’s going to be the most glorious spot on earth: Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they’re going to be fond of travelling the world. They’ll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I’m going to give them this black liquid which they’re going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe.”

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance… "

God replied wisely: “Wait til you see the bastards I’m putting next door to them.”