St. Paddy's Day: Time For The Irish Jokes!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

To the tune of “Country House” by Blur:

He lives in a house, a very big house, he’s a culchie
Puts cabbage on his bread, has a big mutton head, he’s a culchie
He doesn’t pay tax, he wears dirty kaks, he’s a culchie
He’s ugly and smelly with a big flabby belly, he’s a culchie

He lives in a flat, a very small flat, he’s a jackeen
Takes all manner of pills, nicks cash from tills, he’s a jackeen
He doesn’t do a thing, he wears a sovereign ring, he’s a jackeen
His sister’s worse, she keeps spare knickers in her purse, she’s a jackeen

22

Didja hear about the gay Irish couple?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

23

Q: what’s the difference between an apple and an orange?
A: you can’t have an apple bastard.

sorry.

24

I just wanted to post to show ruadh that I’ve changed my location as she advised.

Love the jokes!

25

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

“B’jeesus” said Paddy “Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is”.

“You’re not fookin kiddin Paddy”, replied Seamus.

“Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you’re ever gonna see” said Paddy.

“You’re not fookin kiddin Paddy”, replied Seamus.

“Right Seamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse” said Paddy.

“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Seamus.

“And den ye put de flaps down straightaway” said Paddy.

“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Seamus.

“And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can” said Paddy.

“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Seamus.

“And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a’ your soul” said Paddy

“I be doing dat already” replied Seamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the fla ps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Seamus “Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life”.

Seamus looked out the side window and replied “Yeah Paddy, but
look how fookin wide it is”.

26

This is from the Late Show with David Letterman, March 17, 1998:

TOP 10 PUNCHLINES TO IRISH DIRTY JOKES

  1. She’s out in the barn making Bailey’s Irish Cream.

  2. I thought “Dublin” was having sex with twins.

  3. Here’s one snake St. Patrick didn’t chase out of Ireland.

  4. That’s not the Blarney stone, but don’t stop kissing it.

  5. I saw Ellen DeGeneres and Ann Heche practicing their Gaelic.

  6. “Lord of the Dance”? More like “Lord of my pants!”

  7. These lucky charms are magically delicious!

  8. Keep looking – I know there’s a shamrock in there somewhere.

  9. That is my thick Irish brogue, and yes, I’m glad to see you.

  10. Ted Kennedy.