What is the funniest joke EVER??? Impress me folks!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to post this in the right forum!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Brutus.
Brutus who?
Brutus!
HAHA… yeah, I’m not sure what that was.
That was comedy gold, my friend, that’s what that was!
Hey, as a tribute to the often political nature of GD:
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they’re pretty good people!
Q: What do you call 100 Republicans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Ha! I slay me!
“It’s always a pleasure to ready Johnnyt27’s posts”.
andrew:
If you are being serious: Thanks man, I appreciate it
And sarcasm included: Hey, whats the deal? I thought we were cool 
Joe and Moe were close friends, and did everything together – bars, sports, the beach – everything. At the beach, though, Joe was always surrounded by women, and Moe was always alone. Moe was unhappy, but since he and Joe were such good friends, he asked Joe for his secret: “Joe,” he asked, “how do you get all those women at the beach to hang around you like that?”
“Moe,” Joe answered, “it’s simple; before going to the beach, I tuck a potato in my swimming shorts.” “A potato?” Moe echoed. “A potato,” Joe affirmed. “In your shorts?” Moe asked. “In my shorts,” Joe said, with visible irritation.
The next weekend, the two pals hit the sand, potatoes in place, and as usual, Joe was surrounded by women, and Moe was all alone. Moe went to his friend and whispered “This isn’t working!” Joe whispered back, “Put the potato in the front!”
Thank you, thank you, you are too kind. A bonus lawyer joke:
Q: Why did the lawyer have a bathtub in his office?
A: He needed a place to soak his clients!
Too late!
Actually, there are three, and if by best, you mean worst, I think I can help you.
- A long time ago there was a king who lived in the South Pacific who was so rich he lived in a split-level hut. Every year his people would bring him tribute in the form of a throne made from rare and expensive materials. Upon receipt, the new throne would be put in the throne room and the old throne would be put in the attic. One day, the accumulated weight of the old thrones became too much for the king’s house and it collapsed, killing everyone inside.
The moral of this story?
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
B) There was once a pediatrician who was also an amateur magician. Every day he would go into the pediatric ward and drive the children to distraction with his cheesy act. The children wanted to put a stop to it but were afraid the doctor would become angry if they just told him to knock it off.
One day, a clever child tricked the doctor into turning himself into an apple. The child then quickly scooped up the apple, stuffed it into a specimen cup and clapped the lid on. The children were simultaneously overjoyed and worried. “He’s gone, but what if the doctor changes back? He’ll be mad at us for sure!” One of the children who was ready to be discharged said: “There’s an old guy who lives just up the street from me and everyone says he’s a wizard. Why don’t I take the apple to him and he can tell me how to keep the doctor from changing back?” The other children agreed.
That very day the child took the specimen cup to the wizard. The wizard was very thorough. He peered at the cup with a magnifying lense. He consulted dusty old tomes with parchment pages. After much consideration, he handed the cup back to the child, and gave him a set of scales and some weights. He told the child “If you wish the doctor never to return you must do exactly as I say. Every day just after sunrise, you must use these scales to weigh the apple.”
The child was puzzled. At the very least he expected the wizard to utter an incantation and wave his hands a bit. He asked, “Wait a minute! That’s it? All I have to do is weigh this”, he held up the cup “and the doctor won’t change back? How does it work?”
The old man said: “My child, it’s very simple: A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple .”
III) There are only two.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket. Bwhahahahahhhahahah… woo… gets me every time.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,a carton of eggs,a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,“You must be single.” The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
The one about the magician made me remember a good one.
A Guy and a Girl are in a sauna naked. They start talking and the girl finds out the guy is a famous magician. Like all woman, she does not believe him so she wants proof. She dares him to do a nice trick while being naked so no sleeves.
He agrees and asks her to get on her knees.
Do you feel my finger entering your ass he asks?
Yes she says
Look at my hands the magician replies.
AIRPLANE LOSING HEIGHT
In an airplane the captain told the passengers: “This is your Captain speaking. We are losing height and we do not have fuel enough for reaching land. Therefore, we have to let all baggage leave the airplane.” The airplane got height again.
Half an hour later the airplane lost height again and the captain was on the loudspeakers once more: "This is your captain speaking. We are still losing height, and we can not reach land without having some passengers to leave the plane. It is a bad situation but we will do this in an honest and democratic way - we will use the alphabet - starting with A. "
“Are there any African passengers?”
No one answered.
“Are there any Black passengers?”
Still no one answered.
“Are there any Coloured passengers?”
Still no one answered.
Still no one answered but back in the airplane a little boy asked his father: “Dad, you have always told me to be honest. We are both from Africa and have black coloured skin.”
“Yes, my son. That is right. But today we are Niggers”
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex.
oral sex makes your day but anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a beer and a mop please.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says “Does this taste funny to you?”
The Pope, and irish guy and a horse walk into a bar, the bartender looks at them and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A baby seal walked into a club. (I get yelled at for that one usually)
Racist jokes aren’t funny.
How can you tell if there’s a hobbit in your refridgerator?
Footprints in the butter.
What’s ET short for?
Because he has no legs.
If you think my joke is a racist joke, you don’t get the punchline.
Its a stab at being politically correct.
This is a racist joke so you can compare.
Stevie wonder was asked what he felt about being blind.
He replied : oh thats not so bad, at least I’m not black.
(I’m writing this the non-pc way, 'cause that’s how I learned it. You know, back in the dark ages! [and that strikes me as being again potentially non-pc, but too darn bad!])
One day a lone Indian arrived at the trading post. The grizzled storekeeper asked him what was up.
The Indian gruffly replied, “Big chief no fart.”
The storekeeper handed him a couple of cans of beans. “These will do the trick, I promise.”
The Indian took the beans and rode off.
A week later, the Indian returned. “Big chief no fart.”
The storekeeper handed him 6 cans of beans. “Try this. Maybe he just needs a little more.”
The Indian took the beans and rode off.
A week later, the Indian was back. “Big chief no fart.”
The storekeeper gave him the entire remaining stock of beans. “Don’t know what the problem is, but surely more beans will do the trick.”
The Indian took the beans and rode off.
A few hours later, as the storekeeper was standing in the door of his store, he saw a huge explosion in the distance. A few minutes later, streams of Indians came riding and running past him. He caught the eye of the man who had been coming for the beans. “What happened?” he hollered.
Never stopping for a moment, the Indian yelled over his shoulder “Big fart! No chief!”
[yes, I’m a woman; yes, I’m 40; and yes, I have the sense of humor of a 5th grade boy!]
So a chicken and an egg are in bed together. The chicken is has a very satisfied smile on it’s face but the egg is irritated. Frowning at the chicken it says,
“Well, I guess we answered THAT question didn’t we?”
The only cow in a small town in southern Alberta stopped giving milk. The farmers did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Manitoba for $200, or one from Saskatchewan for $100. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Saskatchewan. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were all amazed and very happy.
They decided to get a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows just like it, then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in a pasture with their beloved cow. But whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull took, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his mission.
The people were very upset and decided to consult a local engineer, who was very wise, and they asked him what they could do. They gave the engineer all the
details: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from
the front, she backs off. When he approaches her from the side, she just walks away to the other side.” The engineer thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Saskatchewan?” The people were dumbfounded,
since they had never mentioned where the cow was from. “You are truly a wise engineer,” they said, “How did you know we got the cow from Saskatchewan?”
The engineer answered sadly, “My wife is from Saskatchewan.”