Two cannibals were sitting down to lunch and one of them heaved a heavy sigh.
“What’s the matter with you?” asked the first cannibal.
“Oh, nothing. It’s just that I can’t stand my mother-in-law”
“So?” says the first, “Then just eat the vegetables.”
I think its time to throw one of mine in here:
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall
I just know I’m going to get burned here for this, but I cannot seem to stop my hands from typing:
What did one gay sperm say to another gay sperm?
How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?
I have many gay friends, and they all love that joke. So there!
The number 9 no longer exist’s…
because 7,8,9
My kids told me that one… Never heard it before until a few years ago…
It doesn’t take much to make me laugh…among other things… 
“Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”
(For non-American Dopers: President Lincoln was assasinated while watching a play with his wife at his side.)
Dirty joke:
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until after you’re fourteen
All right, let me rephrase that. I don’t like the “n” word. I wasn’t trying to be overly PC.
My favourite Scottish/military joke (with footnotes for Yanks)
A Highland* Regimental Sergeant-Major* comes into a chemist’s shop* on Princes Street* marches to the back and places a condom on the counter.
“How much to have it rrreplaced*, and how much to have it rrrepaired?” he asks.
The proprietor looks at it, thinks for a moment, then quotes two prices.
“Thank you verrry much,” says the RSM, and marches back out.
The next day, the door opens and in comes the RSM. He marches to the back, places the condom on the counter, and announces “The rrregiment has decided to have it rrrepaired.”
Highland* the Scots soldiers in the kilts
Regimental Sergeant-Major* senior non-commissioned officer - ranks just below most junior 2nd lieutenant in theory, just below regimental commander in practice
chemist’s shop* drugstore, on left side of the Atlantic
Princes Street* main street of Edinburgh - runs next to Edinburgh Castle
rrreplaced* (insert Scottish accent here)
This is my favourite one.
Why does a Scotsman wear a kilt?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from miles away
Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
“Yeah, this is my oldest. He’s a martyr.Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr, too.”
There’s a pause…
The second Arab says, wistfully, “Ah, they blow up so fast, don’t they?”
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically: “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!”
After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: “I can’t believe
how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,” he says. “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”
“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?”, snaps the Londoner.
The policeman replies, “Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”
The Londoner looks down in absolute horror…“F***ING HELL!!! he screams…
Where’s my Rolex ???..”
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic dolphins.
Why is pubic hair curly?
Because if it were straight it would poke your eyes out.
What is the last sound a pubic hair makes?
ptooie. (spitting noise)
What does a man with a twelve inch penis have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had coffee and a slice of toast.
What does Claudia Shiffer say when she had three orgasms in a row?
thanks Sportshoe