From the Soviet Union, back in the day, and told to me by a Russian friend:
Q: Why are we able to buy wheat from Canada?
A: Because of a shortcoming of capitalism: overproduction.
I suspect Australian passport control hear this one several times a day.
Here’s a joke that’s apparently from 4th century Rome;
An intellectual during the night ravished his grandmother and for this got a beating from his father. He complained: “You’ve been mounting my mother for a long time, without suffering any consequences from me. And now you’re mad that you found me screwing your mother for the first time ever!"
Australian Border Force employees have no sense of humour that we are aware of.
Another one:
A soviet agent is explaining to a potential recruit why they should join the Communist Party:
“Communism is so successful, that in Russia, we have three wheat harvests a year!”
“Three harvests a year? That’s amazing! How did you accomplish that?”
“Well, first we have a harvest from Ukraine, then a harvest from the United States, and finally a harvest from Canada!”
Love these.
I’ve certainly heard “buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth” in the US. But always in reference to specific individuals, not whole demographics.
A couple of requests for linguistic clarification:
Is that last line being spoken in a stereotypical Kiwi accent/jargon?
In Swiss German*, is “principal”, the original sum deposited/invested/lent, different from “principal”, the supervisor of a school? 'Cause it took me a couple of reads to parse that joke in what I think is its intended meaning, and the alternate parsing in American English…
*Or French or Italian or Romansch, whichever the joke originated in.
A Swede goes to a Norwegian hospital saying he has terrible headaches and he needs emergency brain surgery right now! He’s sent to surgery and they open his skull only to find a void. There is nothing there, except a string of tissue going from one side to the other.
The surgeon is baffled, but since the Swede was so adamant he needed surgery he doesn’t want to do nothing. So he cuts the string.
And the Swede’s ears promptly fall off.
In German it would probably be “das Kapital.” That “principal” can refer either to money or to a schoolmaster is an accident of English.
The joke doesn’t depend on understanding Swiss German, or any other language. It depends on the stereotype of the Swiss being very conscious of their money and investments. Touching the principal means dipping into the original investment instead of relying on gains such as interest.
Thank you for the clarification.
Right, which is why I asked, because in American English, that phrasing can be parsed in two very different ways.
Yeah, I get all of that. But I had to re-read it a couple of times to figure out that was what was going on. Because it kind of does depend on understanding Swiss German. Because, again, as you phrased it, the joke has an ambiguous meaning in American English. “Touching the principal”, when discussing finance, is common vernacular in American English. But without the context that Gabriel is discussing savings and investments, sitting on a park bench and crying inconsolably and finally telling their friend they “had to touch the principal” can come across with a very different meaning in American English.
Which is why I asked for the clarification, and if that ambiguity is present in the original language.
Or maybe it’s just me, and that joke is perfectly clear to the average American English speaker.
In English the joke needs more context. If the setup is two schoolboys talking, then it sounds like they are talking about the schoolmaster and it’s a child molestation “joke”. Not funny. If it’s two accountants, then it’s clear they are talking about money and accountants know you should never touch the principal. That’s funny.
Yes ut uz
In the '80s, I heard this joke, which I was told was from Poland:
Man 1: “Where are you going?”
Man 2: “To Krakow, to buy bread.”
Man 1: “Krakow? But, the only place that has bread is Warsaw!”
Man 2: “Yes, I know, but the line starts in Krakow.”
It certainly wasn’t clear to this trans-pacific speaker. I laughed when it was explained.
Which reminds me: in the version of the Australian joke I heard in high school, it’s an Englishman who wants to be Irish. When he wakes up and is given the bad news, he says –
She'll be right mate.
I’ve known a very similar German joke for at least 40 years:
Some dude wants to become an East Frisian [East Frisians, for unknown reasons, were the butt of jokes in Germany in the 70s/80s]. He goes to his doctor, and he tells him that for doing that, half his brain has to be amputated. He happily consents, and a few days later he has his surgery. But something goes wrong, and after the surgery the doctor tells the patient: “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your whole brain.” He answers “Döös mocht nix!” [“that doesn’t matter” in a broad Bavarian accent].
In the Canadian version, it’s aliens experimenting on a Newfie they find out rowing his dory in the ocean. The Newfie is singing, “I’se the b’y who builds the boat, and I’se the b’y who sails her…”
So the aliens wonder how much of his brain he actually needs. So they vapourize one quarter of his brain. The Newfie just keeps rowing and singing, “I’se the b’y who builds the boat, and I’se the b’y who sails her…”
So they vaporize another quarter. But of course, the Newfie just keeps rowing and singing, “I’se the b’y who builds the boat, and I’se the b’y who sails her…”
Finally, the aliens just say fuck it, and vapourize his whole brain. But the Newfie just keeps rowing and singing, "Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques, Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous… "
A journalist sees a man walking through the olympic village with a long pole in his hand.
“Are you a pole vaulter?” she asks.
He replies: “No, I’m German. But how did you know my name?”
Brew, you’re heaps beached is!
From now on, every post I make will end with this.