That is awesome. It infuriates me when child support is talked about as “what the court ordered.” When you have a child, you think of their needs first, regardless of whether or not they live with you, regardless of what their other parent is like, regardless of what the court orders, etc. Those children’s needs should come before your own, and before a new spouse’s. They are equally as important and deserving of support as any additional children you may have (which you SHOULDN’T have if you can’t afford the ones you already made, even if you decide to get married again). One of the saddest things about our culture today is the idea of children competing with their mom or dad’s “new” family for time, attention, and material needs.
Incidentally I can’t imagine being a stepfather and not providing for any stepkids under my roof to exactly the same extent as my biokids. I’d figure that was part of the package in entering into a relationship with their mother. But that’s just me.
Sure. But hundreds, if not hundreds of thousands, of non-custodial parents think that means that they shouldn’t have to support the kid anymore–now the step-parent can step up to the plate. That would be the point…that having someone else step in and help support a kid doesn’t mean the parents get to stop doing their part. If you do stop doing your part, you are an asshole.
I am not that enthusiastic about it but yeah.
I know I will see him down the road as marriages and grandchildren happen but I just want the one thing that continues to force us to communicate to be gone.
I can be civil to him but I want the option of not being civil if I don’t want to or not calling him back if I don’t want to or not talking to him for years because I don’t want to.
It is almost like I have been going through a 16 year divorce. I want it over with already!
I confess, I lied, I AM that enthusiastic. 
Well, I won’t overreact as I did before but I honestly think this is a point that ignores reality so much it’s ridiculous.
Young men and women usually don’t opt for permanent infertility because they know they may want children at some later date. They use some form of birth control and those are not 100% so an unintended pregnancy results and must be done with.
Young men have an equal opportunity to render themselves infertile don’t they? So remaining fertile and having sex means they know the risk they are taking and ought to step up and deal with the children that they help create.
This is waayyyy to simplistic. If bio Dad had the dough and could provide your stepson with things you couldn’t afford would you not want him to have them?
What if your bio kids weren’t living with you and you paid child support for them. How might you feel then about your stepson’s bio dad skating on his support.
If your relationship with stepson’s Mom doesn’t last will you continue to support stepson after the split or do you get to dump him? Does bio Dad now have to start paying again? What if he’s remarried and supporting his new stepchildren?
Modern society has lots of complicated scenarios.
In my daughters case and in others you can stop dealing with the ex even while there is CS and visitation. If there is too much animosity between the parents others can serve contacts or the contact can be severely limited.
My daughters ex is emotionally abusive and mean spirited. I don’t think she should even have to speak to the idiot if she doesn’t want to. The courts should collect his CS for her and if he wants visitation he can contact someone else for arrangements who will in turn contract her.
Well, I’m glad you’ve stopped overreacting but I honestly think this is a post that misses my point so much it’s ridiculous. You’ve taken “infertile” to mean “permanently infertile” and run with that. You’ve also chosen to believe that I am claiming that men ought not to step up and deal with the children that they help create. All I’m saying is that women have access to close on 100% effective contraception. That means if a woman choses to be able to conceive, it’s 100% her own choice. That’s all.
This is reading waayyyy too much into what I said, which only addressed the issue of treating my putative stepkids the same as my biokids under my own roof, and didn’t even attempt to argue that this let biodad off the hook in any way, shape or form. Dude, step back from the keyboard, take a few deep breaths, and try to understand what I’m actually saying before you start kneejerkingly contradicting me. :rolleyes:
Okay. I don’t think it’s quite that simple and this is an unrealistic take on how sex and society actually functions. Both have a 100% effective method in abstinence but we don’t realistically expect that. Women’s bodies react differently to contraception. Sometimes they forget. Sometimes horny guys want sex and convince them a rubber is reliable enough.
Fair enough. Perhaps I read too much into it.
So even though you would treat step kids equally you would still expect bio Dad to help support them?
You weren’t saying that once step dad is in the picture then bio Dad should no longer be required or needed to help support them.
Malacandra
you said
in reaction to my comments about the guy who found out he had a daughter nine years after the fact.
Aside from my angry initial reaction I said this
I still don’t see how you’re relating the two incidents or how in any realistic view the choice to conceive was 100% hers. Both parents gave in to their desires and took the risk. I can’t fathom how preventing pregnancy is any more her responsibility or choice than his.
They thought they were going to stay together and raise this child but it didn’t work out. Her ex has never met his share of responsibility in supporting his daughter either financially or emotionally. She tried to stay where he was so he and his daughter could have a relationship but without his financial support she just couldn’t so she moved across the country to where her Mom and other family lived because she needed help.
So, I’m wondering if you agree that the father should pay CS notwithstanding any bad judgment calls by my daughter.
From my perspective my daughter is completely responsible for her choices. If she ultimately decides not to pursue CS for whatever reasons then she must bear the consequences of that choice and face the financial struggle ahead of her. No excuses and no whining about how hard it is. None of that removes any responsibility from, or offers any excuses to the fathers moral obligation to support that child. This is a child he has know about since pregnancy. This is a child he planned on supporting until my daughter couldn’t tolerate him any longer. Avoiding and making lame excuses about CS makes him far more the selfish asshole than the guy that never knew about his daughter.
Does his moral responsibility to pay support vanish because he is not legally compelled? Is not being compelled a good excuse to not support your own daughter? I’m not assuming you hold that position. I’m just asking for clarification.
Am I more sympathetic to my daughter than I might be to a stranger in a story?Yes, as horribly evil as that sounds. Still , in facing the unforeseen consequences of choices,my approach is not so very lopsided for either individual IMO. If you can point something specific out where I have done that have at it. Helping people avoid the consequences of their own choices is not an act of love. Making excuses for bad choices and laying the blame and responsibility on someone else isn’t either. When it comes to children there is an unavoidable shared responsibility for both parents.
My “boo fucking hoo” concerning the man who found he had a nine year old daughter was directed at someone who was using the circumstance to support an argument that he shouldn’t have to pay because of how unjust the whole situation was. Regardless of how it all went down and the emotional and financial difficulties that ensued , that’s biologically his daughter and he is morally and legally bound to support her financially. No hardship or supposed selfishness on the mother’s part changes that. Whether he wants an emotional connection with his daughter is his call.
I can understand that my comment seemed like a complete lack of sympathy or compassion for life’s harsh realities. I’ve already pointed out that I recognized that it was a hard situation. Life holds some harsh realities that we must deal with. Both my daughters were accidents that came with a financial responsibility.
Am I capable of the same kind of tough attitude with my daughter? So far it hasn’t been tested but based on past experiences with her brother’s wilder days I think so.