Given his personality, that’s the way I’m betting.
The first time I ever ate sushi the fart that I dropped late that night nade my wife get out of bed and vomit.
That instant soup mix, like from Lipton (or any of the store brands).
Sweet god almighty. The flatulence is so pungent you can taste it. Two or three farts and it causes interference with local radio and TV transmissions.
I make a damn fine cabbage soup…
I enjoy a glass of guiness…
BUT… I (and those unfortunate enough to be with in several hundred feet of me) do not enjoy the effects created by combining the two…
And now for a story of dutch ovenry…
Wife and I laying in bed, after afore meantioned combination…
ME: (Feeling the need to expell gas)… “I bet if I spit, I could make it stick to the ceiling!”
HER: What!!? Don’t even…
ME: Makes Hawking snorting noises
HER:" NO! Stop!
ME: Purses lips and aims face at ceiling
HER: EWWW (Ducks head under covers)
Me: Releases gas…
Oddly enough we are still married…
Regards
FML
Sir. You are a god. That’s frickin awesome.
Ah, I am an older sister. So part of the me having a car deal was chauffering my 13 year old brother and his pals out to the ski hill. 13 year old boys. In winter. In Northern Ontario. Oh yeah. Say right after Christmas. After said boys consummed mounds of mandarin oranges, short bread, kielbassa sausage, cabbage rolls, perogies, all kinds of rich, fatty, fruity treaty woah too much for the system foods.
Yes a car load of 13 year olds. Farting the whole way to the ski hill. Isnt it fun to bug the snotty thinks-she-knows-it-all sister. Let me tell you, fruit and sausage and cabbage… the aroma times 4 boys is not well filtered by gamy sweaty ski gear.
I still tell this story when Im around my brother and his friends. Yes, they are in their 30’s and yes they still laugh. Me, I just get careful around people of the male persuasion right after Christmas. Ewwww.
To this day, The Ping-Pong Fart That Would Stop Hearts is still the worst that I have ever been involved in.
My best friend makes me appear normal. One day, many moons ago, I was over at his house early one morning as we were preparing to pull a motor on one of his cars. There had been much eating of chili, pizza and other assorted stuff at a party the night before, and we were drinking coffee trying to get our hearts started. I suddenly felt that churning, roiling sensation in my innards that signified a massive chemical reaction that was producing huge amounts of gas. Rather than suffer in silence, I decided to share.
Now, my friend’s breakfast area had chairs with plastic seats. And when I let fly, the sound and the stench were astounding. I think I melted some of the plastic. However, my friend rose to the occasion and immediately fired off one of his own about 5 seconds later. A few seconds later, I fired off a second shot.
And so did he.
And so did I.
And so did he.
Like a ping-pong ball, back and forth, back and forth for four rounds. His cat got up and walked out of the kitchen, and we could hear him start scratching in the litterbox. A minute later, as we are sitting there laughing like hyenas, his wife walks in, says “What’s so fu…OHJESUSCHRISTYOUTWOBASTARDS!” and runs from the room gagging.
As the wallpaper started peeling from the walls, we finally evacuated the room. As we headed for the garage, he diverts over, grabs his wife and hugs her. And SHE farts! He starts to laugh, and farts again. And of course, I laugh, with predictable results.
The smelly car engine was like a bed of roses after that.
Forget about smell and volume, but nothing does it for frequency like chickpeas (garbanzos) in my experience.
I gave up eating meat 2 years ago. Still eat fish occasionally but otherwise it’s just vegies for me. I’m telling you, I am doing two or three times the amount of farting I was doing before. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth.
Lactose intolerant person checking in - whole milk (which I haven’t had in years and years) or certain brands of ice cream (Breyers particularly) really have an adverse impact.
Farting and flatulence are supposed to be funny, right? Good humored, sophomoric, silliness? Not when I’ve had some dairy. Then it becomes serious business. A very good friend of mine asked me to leave his house one day and come back after my gut had settled down. Sure it starts out as fun, but then someone gets hurt…
When I was a baby, my parents made the mistake of feeding me peas. I was farting and crying in my crib for quite a while.
Also, LT.
I’ve never smelled anything as bad as what mine are like after downing some dairy. Not all cheese does it to me, but yesterday, I made some grilled quesadillas with cheddar and jack. . .and I was toxic.
But, that thing that **qagdop ** mentioned sounds bad. Whew.
Eggs do it for me. I’m indifferent to eggs either way, pretty much only eating them when Demo cooks 'em for breakfast whilst camping. But for the sake of those around me, I never eat them when I’m going to be indoors around two hours later.
Sometimes my hung-over farts smell like burning. Seriously. It doesn’t help that my beer of choice happens to make me extra-gassy. But man, until about 3pm the day after a night out, it’s pretty bad.
I honestly don’t ever think about what causes bad gas for me, but my boyfriend could make you a list (of what gets him):
Corona Beer (esp at high altitudes)
Tommy’s Burgers
Onions/Shallots/Garlic
Mexican food of just about any kind (probably the beans, though)
We always know its going to be a rough day breathing the day after we make food with lots of garlic, roasted in particular. We are both pretty gassy. It makes me laugh about all the people that freak out at the thought of their SO passing gas.
Fry
I’m forever banned by my girlfriend from ever consuming Jalapeno Cheese White Castles and then consuming Olde English 800 ever again on pain of death. Even I knew it was a pretty bad idea, but the results were stupifyingly horrible. The first one hit while we were in the shower the next morning (not romantic, just saving time) and it was almost hallucinogenic. The tiles cracked, the water turned to opaque steam, the shower curtain shrank as if heated…and I fell out of the shower laughing. I could still get a whiff of them a week later when I washed the jeans I wore that day…
Man, farts are funny! I really enjoyed reading this thread. Spit’s story about farting on the plane is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Well done!
Now that I think about it, I haven’t had a truly nasty toot in a long time. What used to do it for me was overload - too much broccoli, too many mushrooms, too much ice cream. Now I just limit my portions of those things and don’t have much of a problem. I’m pretty sure there was one night when my boyfriend chose to sleep on the couch because it was so bad. I wish I could have escaped by sleeping on the couch.
I totally agree with water magnifying the intensity of the aroma. It’s sick.
Have you ever had a toot that sort of magically smelled like something you hadn’t eaten in a long time? This happens to me occasionally - farts that smell like burnt peanuts or pumpkin. It’s weird. I’ve had a “robot fart” before, too (excellent description, Zsofia), which was rather alarming.
For me and the fiance’, it’s anything and everything. I’ve never been a loud farter but my shining bride-to-be has a report that can make a dog in the next apartment start barking.
No, I am more insidious and silent. The only indication she has is when I tilt my head a little bit and leer at her from the corner of my eye with (pun intended) a huge, shit-eating grin on my face. If I can get my arms around her and hold her down, I’ll do it. I owe her for Dutch Ovening me to death.
When I was a teenager, I went on a camping trip with a youth group in the Smokey Mountains. My brother told me that one of the tents was filled with guys who’d been eating a lot of that freeze-dried food, with the same results you’ve described. Being guys, they were all laughing themselves sick. Footloose (the song) was still popular, and one dude was cracking the rest of them up as he accompanied the fartfest by singing, “Everybody cut, everybody cut!” 
Christ, if this wasn’t the most obvious joke in the history of the board, I don’t know what is. Sorry for offending you, Q! Your completely factual and non-political posts have offended me to no end. Therefore, I hate you. NOT!
No apologies to Frank. He should know better.
Once, during the great New York evacuation, I enlisted the help of my friend, the Videographer. Now he is a fine strapping lad of north of 6’6", who could bench press cars, so he was a fine choice for the moving help. I just made the mistake of stopping to buy him Chinese Ravioli on the way out there.
Fast forward to the next day.
We are lugging things up and down the stairs to the truck, when I notice, in addition to the paint melting off the walls, a odor that combined the best parts of week old diapers rotting in sunshine in the summer with about half a tonne of dead sea life.
And it got worse.
He was smileing.
We made him drive the truck back 400 miles by himself.