A discussion on farting in a tank has taken the expected digression into various things said while farting, and a discussion of rankness, which leads to today’s question: What foodstuff or combination of foodstuffs gives you and/or yours the worst farts? You have classify by loudness, duration, room-clearing odor, or some combination of these. Or make up your own rankings. This is for Science, so no laughing!
I’m sure gonzomax will come in and tell on me.
So I’ll get him before he gets me.
Anything makes him tear ass. I’m not kidding. When he was a little sprout, he had an intestinal backup. Well, the doctor that fixed it did too good of a job. Maybe he polished his turd cutter so the noise travels off it like a note would when escaping the rim of a tuba.
Popcorn+beer+some kind of physical activity+small amount of fermentation = gaseous herbicide.
Although I’d like to tell the time that my female birth giver had some bean soup. I was in bed complaining about the smell (down the fucking hallway!!!) while she was trying to peel the sheets off the ceiling. Dad slept on the couch. Bad times…bad times indeed.
Broccoli. I can clear a room in about 3 seconds flat about 30 minutes after eating even a tiny amount of broccoli.
Any combination of cheese (real cheese) and potatoes. Either, by themselves: no problem. Put them together? I’m lethal at 10 feet.
While my onion farts are pretty wretched in their own right, nothing compares to a fart I let the morning after I had consumed a corned beef sandwich with horseradish sauce and about 8 cans of Blatz. The only word to describe it was…otherworldly.
My girlfriend was in the car at the time. In subsequent conversations, it was referred to as The Fart.
I had one that was ten seconds once. My old roomie was watching tv, so I stood between him and the tv, cracked my knuckles and let loose 10 seconds of perfect pooper palpatations.
He still talks about it to people that I don’t know. I love it.
Peanuts.
Love 'em.
But I feel like a Macy’s balloon the next day. A balloon that leaks. A smelly balloon that leaks.
McDonalds’ fries will result in flatus that is …ummmm… distinctive.
I don’t know what I ate, but once I accidentally released one that didn’t even smell organic in origin. It was like what a robot would fart. Burning insulation and oil refinery. I loosed it under the covers and my boyfriend came to bed a full five minutes later - I hadn’t smelled it because the covers were tight, but the minute he cracked that sheet…
This is what is called a Dutch oven.
I laid down The Fart that Cleared the Office back in '87. It was a small space and the boss thought that the sewer line had backed up into the bathroom. The smell was so evil that we actually evacuated into the parking lot while boss called the City Water Dept. By then it was way too late for me to 'fess up to the deed, so I took a quick walk around the building and collapsed in hysterical laughter when I was out of sight.
The Water Dept didn’t make it out until the next day. I swear the fart had just dissipated when they did 
The magic ingredients for this awesome odiferousness? Chili the day before and brussel sprouts and pork chops for lunch that day.
I don’t know what it is about farts, but at 38 years old, I still find them funny.
I’m lactose intolerant, and a glass of milk (especially if it’s not-quite-but-almost-turned) will give me farts that allow me tables at full restaurants, long lines to dissipate and could even get me out of court (“Bailiff, please escort the defendant to the morgue.”).
I’ve had my cats leave the room and shoot me the DeathGlare™.
You know how they say “everybody loves their own brand?” Well, I’ve cut loose with a few that have made me leave the room!
From all I’ve heard, my future Bro-In-Law is worse.
Fried Onion is a guaranteed stench for me. My wife makes me sleep in another bedroom when I’ve eaten them.
In College, I had pitchers of Natty light and onion rings. I cleared a party, where people thought that there was a sewer back up.
Best of all, they are completely silent.
Water makes farts worse.
Take a perfectly innocent fart - one that’s mostly air and little odour. Apply in bathtub or shower (bath bubbles are FUN!). Enjoy the horrific change in odour, that somehow amplifies any latent sulphur-iness and makes a horrible taste enter the room.
People who don’t adequately digest the fats in their foods end up with steatorrhea. The fat reaches the colon, where bacteria chow down on it, and break it down into some of the worst smelling aromatic compounds on the face of the earth. The odors are much worse than those found in those with lactose intolerance, or even in those with melanotic (digested blood) stools.
The only worse stool smells that I have ever encountered have involved actually having part of the bowel die and get extruded in the stool. This condition is often fatal.
Without a doubt, the worst farts I’ve ever encountered were a result of homebrew. I used to belong to a quite active group of homebrewers, and we would ut down quite a bit of beer along with whatever was being offered to eat or snack on. The combination of carbonation in the beer and the live yeast in the bottles was earthshaking. The little yeasties would start eating all sorts of stuff in your intestines that your intestinal fauna wouldn’t, and kick out massive amounts of CO[sub]2[/sub] in the process. We had one of our members actually clear an intersection in Las Vegas. Homebrew and the buffett at Main Street Station meant that Dennis could make people in front of the Golden Gate Hotel wrinkle their noses while he was still across the street.
When I was about 10 I went to the local store and bought about 10 packages of Velamints and ate them in the period of about 30 minutes. The resulting gas was possibly the most evil thing I’ve ever encountered. I actually cleared a classroom the next day. I really should repeat the experiment sometime to see if the recipe for those mints have changed in the past 30 years but just never have gotten up the courage.
So these days I limit myself to pickled eggs for my silent assassins.
I wonder if people taking Orlistat/Alli are at risk of that? If so, that’s one more reason I’m not paying $1200 to lose 12#.
With me it’s crabmeat. I love it but a hour or so later even I don’t want to be around me.
No, that’s when you hold them down under the sheets, not when it escapes and suffocates you all in the clean fresh air of the bedroom!
All I have to say is: Never, EVER decide to forgo supper and snack on raw onions, followed later by chocolate ice cream, followed by a beer. EVER.