In September, My supervisor was cleaning the garbage out of the desk next to mine left by someone who quit. It was ostensibly so a newhire could sit at that desk come Monday. He took two ratty sticky-liquid drenched toys out of the garbage can and stuck them on my desk.
“Here”, he said, “…are my first gifts to you…!”
I took some scrap paper and brushed them off my desk with as much gunk as would go with them into my garbage can and said back “You give me a gift every day when you leave at 5 o’clock.”
Giving someone an etiquette book as a present is the ULTIMATE big huge nasty passive aggressive bitch thing to do to someone. I would have been furious! Besides, I already own two copies. The original and the one that was updated in the sixties. I can’t sleep at night unless I’ve written a thank you note for something someone did or gave to me. I digress…
Once my mom got some of that goofy crystal rock deodorant that doesn’t work anyways included in a gift full of assorted toiletries. I had to hear about that one for a while. Myself, I’ve received probably four or five sets of martini glasses over the years for college graduation and birthdays. I’ve also been given a set of napkins with a martini graphic on them as well as a broach in the shape of a martini glass. OH! And a plug in neon light in the shape of a martini glass as a gag gift? I HATE gin and I NEVER EVER drink vodka. I have a martini once a year MAX. I just don’t drink liquor I’m a beer and wine girl. I have no earthly idea why people associate me with martinis but it seems to be already set in stone.
Okay, I was going through a very bitter divorce and was suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression. I was in my mid-50s and was faced with the prospect of losing everything I ever worked for. I was dealing with migraines at least twice a week and usually more often. My stress level caused me to suffer from a chronic case of diarrhea that not ever Paregoric could control and I know that’s way TMI. The absolute last thing on my mind was a relationship with another woman; I couldn’t have had sex if I tried. At our company Christmas party, the most obnoxious woman I’ve ever known gave me a horrid blow up sex doll. I left it in the first dumpster I came across as I left the party.
I was married to my first husband. He had friends who were getting married in a few months. The friends were militant anti-Christian pagans. I spent 45 minutes listening to all the evil the Catholic Church had done in the world (at the time I was Catholic - and mentioned that during their rant. Not very religious, but still Catholic.).
Of course, when push came to shove, the big white wedding dress, the church with stained glass windows, and the need not to piss off Grandma trumped whatever unreasonable opinions they had, and I found myself dressed for a wedding at St. Stephans.
I gave them a wedding cross with a note that I was happy they’d decided to come back to the Church and how pleased I was to see them married in Christ.
Jim Gaffigan had a joke about getting a flask as a gift. That’s like saying “you look like a drunk on the go, here’s a nice flask.”
People keep giving me video games as gifts. On one hand, I’m 22, and it says a lot about what they think of me. On the other hand, I played Civilization IV for about nine hours on Sunday. So I can’t really complain.
A friend of mine received a parenting book from her in-laws, the day after they had come for a visit to see the kids. Sure, it can be an innocent gift, but when it’s not, it’s extremely condescending.
Hah! so true. Maybe I’m reading too much into the martini thing but I always feel like it means people think I’m some sort of Lucille Bluth 8 am drunk that has the potential to be emotional abusive to their children and rude to waiters.
My mum gave me a very large jar of chocolate peanuts and a set of scales for Christmas once - it kind of symbolized her love/hate relationship with her weight (and her problem with mine)…
Even without the background information, which I’m willing to pretend that maybe she didn’t know, that is just six kinds of wrong!!!
Clothes that don’t fit are thoughtless or misguided but probably not malicious. The only motive for giving such a wildly inappropriate gift at an office function would be to make as many people uncomfortable as possible.
If you draw her name in the “secret Santa” thing this year perhaps a nice book on manners. I think Hypno-Toad might let you have one for a good price.
I have given one really mean gift in my life. It was a friend of mine who had gone off the deep end and was making really poor choices. She was dating 5 men at the time, none of whom she actually liked, because they paid for her rent and took her out to eat. She was constantly fighting with her mother and trying to get her associates degree after 4 years of community college but only signed up for dance and tennis classes for which she already had credit. She almost got our tennis instructor in trouble with his wife because she would call him at home just to chat, etc. I got her a copy of Dr. Phil’s book du jour that Christmas titled “Stop Making Stupid Decisions” or something subtle like that. She threw it away I think but she got that people were worried about her and calmed down a bit afterwards.
You must be a friend of my sister’s. Two Christmases ago, when my nieces were 1 and 3, she got How To Be A Better Parent (or similar title) from her MIL. Not her and her husband – just her. Pissed? Oh, honey. Her husband took it upon himself to talk to his mom about how that wasn’t a really thoughtful gift – my sister did not ask him to do that – and the MIL got mad. My sister didn’t like it? How could that be? Everyone could be a better parent! And she didn’t want my sister making the sort of mistakes she had made! My sister should be grateful!
My sister wasn’t. Their relationship is still a bit on the frosty side.
Well, in full disclosure, I have to say that I was warned by our mutual friends that he liked to give “catty” gifts. The warning came about a half hour before the exchange. So I figured it couldn’t hurt to give a taste of his own medicine. We’ve exchanged nice gifts ever since.
When I was a fairly new bride, I got a basic cookbook from my MIL or SIL, I forget which. I was already a decent cook. And it may have been well intentioned. I don’t know. But I guess what really frosted me was that through conversation, I got the impression that it was a spare one that one of them had that they’d “regifted” to me. I dunno.
I’m Jewish (ethnically), and I’m also half-Scandinavian (Norwegian, specifically) and look it. The fact that they thought you didn’t want beef because you were Jewish is pretty telling, but anyway, the Diaspora has been going on long enough that we can probably stop assuming peoples’ Judaism by the length of their nose.
I have the same problem. Everyone thinks I’m some sort of liquor-lover because they’ve seen me super drunk at parties. Thing is, parties are the only times where I have more than a drink or two on any given weekend, and I’ve been to maybe five parties this year. I guess it doesn’t help that I talk about beer a lot; people don’t get the fact that I’m a budding beer connoisseur, they think I just like drinking. No, it’s not the alcohol, it’s the taste of quality craft beer.
Of course, the problem doesn’t extend into gifts, since I don’t do gifts (giving or receiving) unless it’s absolutely impossible to avoid them.
Damn I wouldn’t mind getting this gift. I don’t think anyone has ever leered at me. Or sent me a lewd card with a comment about oysters and screwing. Not even a dirty old man. Not that I want a dirty old man to leer at me. But a dirty old woman might be nice.
Depends on how dirty. And how old. Actually now that I think about it, it just depends on how old. 70 is probably my cut-off point. But anything younger than that would be nice.
You know what they say about one man’s trash…
Are oysters used in screwing in some way I am not aware of? Not sure I see the connection between the two.
