I don’t take my own food, because she gets offended and EATS IT ON ME. This happened once a long time ago. I was floored. I’ve never attempted to bring my own food since. We lived with them for a few months in the early days, and attempted to keep our own food in the kitchen so that we could feed ourselves, but she declared that anything in the kitchen was fair game for the rest of the family, and our food always vanished within the day.
Why do I eat it? Because she is so damn pushy and makes a scene if I don’t. Last time, she wouldn’t take no for an answer when I wouldn’t eat baked beans. Number one - I don’t like them. Number two - they’re in tomato sauce. Not good enough, she went on and on insisting I try them. I refused. She kept pushing and pushing until finally her SO said “She doesn’t want them. Don’t force her” and then she finally backed down.
Yeah, fuck you too. If that was an option, I’d do it. All I ask is that she provide the option to have a damn sandwich instead or something, but no, I have to eat what the rest of the family eats, and that means I HAVE to EAT it, not sit and wait to get something for myself when I get home. This is what pisses me off. She does not have to cook a three course meal for me, but it would be nice if one of the things she served didn’t contain tomato.
I only wish MIL had food allergies of her own, because I’d like to see how she would cope if I continually served food she can’t eat. Maybe she’d have new sympathy for me. But she can eat anything, and not have a problem, which I guess is why she can’t understand where I’m coming from. Like Skerri’s friend, she seems convinced that I don’t like it and doesn’t believe me when I say that I get sick from it.
Something I totally forgot that I would need to explain - it was Father’s Day here in Australia, that’s why we were there. In fact, originally I agreed to go there for a meal for Father’s Day thinking that my BIL would be cooking a roast, but he was a little slack in organising it, and so MIL decided to cook instead, and go with the lasagne and sausage menu.
Therefore, I did not want to make a scene with MIL over the food when we were supposed to be there celebrating Father’s Day. The last time we ate there was my SIL’s birthday, and there was a huge argument with MIL. I didn’t want a repeat of that this time.
I totally forgot that the US celebrates Father’s Day on a different date and therefore you wouldn’t understand that it was a “special” day.
MC$E, I’m still pissed off at you. You honestly think that when you invite a guest to dinner and you know that they have food allergies then you shouldn’t take that into consideration when planning what to feed them? That it’s “their responsibility” to bring food for themselves to your dinner party? Certainly a situation like a classroom activity or scouts is one where you wouldn’t expect everyone to cater just for him, but this is my family we’re talking about. Does MC$E jr have to bring his own food along when dining at his Grandmother’s house? Would you expect to send a cut lunch with him when he goes to stay at a friend’s house overnight? That’s just ignorant. A large and mainly impersonal group is one thing, but a family dinner is another. You don’t serve steak to your vegetarian friends, you don’t serve satay to people with peanut allergies - and you don’t serve lasagne to someone who can’t eat tomatoes.
I also compare this to my own family, and if you don’t understand what I’m talking about, just accept that these are Australian foods I’m mentioning. Mr Cazzle hates passionfruit, and yet passionfruit is traditionally one of the major toppings on pavlova. At Christmas when my mother makes the pavlova, she makes two. She decorates one with passionfruit, and one without. That way, Mr Cazzle can eat it too but the rest of us don’t have to go without. It’s a gesture that Mr Cazzle appreciates, and it helps keep the harmony. The difference is that this is a dessert, not the main part of the meal, and he doesn’t get sick from passionfruit, he just doesn’t like it.
Yeah, I’d say part of her problem is that she doesn’t understand.
But you need to stand firm, and NOT EAT if it’s going to make you sick. If you’ve told her you can’t eat tomatoes, but then do eat them, then that’s where her not understanding is coming from.
Either eat before you go, so you’re not hungry, or pack a sandwich, and leave it in the car and wait till the food is served before bringing it in. Then you can politely remind her that you can’t eat tomatoes or mayonaise or whatever and you didn’t want to be a bother so you brought your own. Be the better person in this. Don’t make a scene like she does. If she insists, and fills a plate for you, just don’t eat it. It’s her fault for wasting food.
Stick with it, and she should eventually get the message. If not then she’s just stupid or a bitch. Sorry.
I know what you’re talking about. I have food sensitivities, too. Medically speaking, they’re not “allergies,” but they do cause a reaction…some foods trigger a migraine headache for me. Trust me, if I know a certain food is a trigger, I’m not eating it. I am not risking a migraine just to please someone by eating a certain food.
If Julia Child herself showed up at my door and fixed carrots poached in red wine with a yogurt sauce, I’d have to turn her down.
“Sorry, Julia, I think you’re great, but if I ate that I’d be sick for two days. I’m dumping my portion down the garbage disposal. Hope you’re not offended.”
You know, cazzle…you can go on and on as much as you’d like that you have to eat it, blah blah blah. But the fact is, you’re an adult, and you don’t have to. The fact that you continue to choose to do so and then whine about it is is sort of pathetic. Yes, that’s right. I said choose. Because until you come here and say that your MIL held you down and forced food that makes you sick down your throat, that’s exactly what it is. A choice.
Grow up. Get a backbone. If the food makes you sick, don’t eat it. If MIL makes a scene, or nags, leave the room. But don’t say you can’t do something and then do it, and whine about the results.
“Those with extremely complicated food problems are advised to eat before social events, so that they may survive if nothing is available that is beyond suspicion.”
In other words, deal with it, don’t make it your host(ess)'s problem.
“Those with extremely complicated food problems are advised to eat before social events, so that they may survive if nothing is available that is beyond suspicion.”
In other words, deal with it, don’t make it your host(ess)'s problem.
I don’t think you have extremely complicated food problems. Mr P and P the Younger do and I always take food with us when we eat out. My family rocks when it comes to feeding them as well but we’re adults, it’s our responsibility, not theirs.
I can totally see how it’s possible to be bullied into eating food that makes you sick but there comes a time at which you have to stand your ground. Either take food which is safe for you to eat and bring it out when the food is on the table so it can’t be disappeared or refuse to go to meals. I don’t think your needs are that B a FD – eating gluten free is far more challenging. But it’s not a problem that will go away with time so you may as well go down to the wire with her now.
I don’t think you have extremely complicated food problems. Mr P and P the Younger do and I always take food with us when we eat out. My family rocks when it comes to feeding them as well but we’re adults, it’s our responsibility, not theirs.
I can totally see how it’s possible to be bullied into eating food that makes you sick but there comes a time at which you have to stand your ground. Either take food which is safe for you to eat and bring it out when the food is on the table so it can’t be disappeared or refuse to go to meals. I don’t think your needs are that B a FD – eating gluten free is far more challenging. But it’s not a problem that will go away with time so you may as well go down to the wire with her now.
My problems are hardly “extremely complicated”. MIL has been told many times over what foods I can’t eat. She chooses to ignore that. Ms Manners doesn’t have a passage that covers less tricky food allergies? It’s not like gluten intolerance which would mean that she has to learn whole new recipes and watch out for suspect ingredients. It’s pretty damn obvious that lasagne contains tomatos.
Ok, people, what do you think would be the result of announcing to my bossy, controlling, unsympathetic mother in law “I am not going to eat your food anymore because I get sick from it”?
Do you think she’ll:
a) Take it with good grace and move on
b) Cause a scene, learn a lesson and settle down
c) Rant and rage, throw me (us) out, and continue to sulk for a long time, frequently attempting to drag poor Mr Cazzle into it an onto her side.
I vote c. I’m not happy to bring that situation on. It will only make everyone miserable (especially on that 24+ hour flight we’re all sharing to Scotland in two months - oh joy). I especially don’t want to cause that kind of scene on Father’s Day. It’s supposed to be about thanking my MIL’s SO for being a great guy, not for fighting my MIL.
My future resolution is to never eat at her house again. That’s going to be tough, but if Mr Cazzle dares to fall for one of her guilt trips, I’ll do some screaming of my own. If it comes to it, well I’ll cut her out of my life. I’d be more than happy to do it right now, I’m just so angry. However, I have been trying to get along with her all this time for Mr Cazzle’s sake, and there have been good moments over the years. It’s going to hurt him a lot when this reaches a point of showdown.
Well, cazzle, the only thing that I can say is that if my friend tried to serve me food with anything that I was allergic to, I would be dead within an hour or so. So I basically avoid eating with him and his parents, unless he “bothers” to tell me what’s in the food.
I suggest you follow the advice of Miss Manners, as much as I hate that bitch. Eat before you go. Then, if there is something you can eat, nibble on it.
And I would have to kindly disagree with Primaflora. If your diet restricts you to avoiding things in order to prevent illness, that is a big deal. Don’t eat it. I don’t care if Your Higher Power comes down and gives it to you. Allergies can build up over time, and you really don’t want to experience anaphylactic shock. I promise you.
I’m not trying to be an ass about this. My niece is allergic to a lot of things, and the big one is peanuts, but her great-grandmother still insists on eating peanuts in the living room. (She is blind, and chooses to ignore the fact that she drops a peanut or two in every handful, even when we tell her.) We have told Nanny that my niece’s allergy gets worse with each exposure, but she doesn’t believe it. (And as far as I know, it’s not just peanuts that this happens with.)
Looks like we need another in-law bitch session thread I could do with one after our Father’s Day celebrations, too.
{{{Cazzle, hon.}}} I think you know she isn’t going to suddenly learn what foods make you sick. She is either extremely obtuse, or being a passive-aggressive bitch, only you know. I can understand not wanting to make waves on a day that’s all about Mr Cazzle spending time with his dad.
What I’d be thinking of doing if I was in your situation was asking Mr Cazzle what he thinks. Explain to him that you’ve had enough of being manipulated and ‘guilted’ into eating the food. You’ve had enough of being the ‘bigger person’ by eating and not making waves to keep the peace. And you’ve had enough of being sick after each meal occasion with his family. Make sure he realises that you’ve been the tolerant, easy-going one, but you’ve been pushed far enough, and you just aren’t interested in being sick anymore. Ask him what he thinks you should both do. Suggestions include not having meals at their house (and if they ask why, let them know), taking your own meals (which both you AND Mr Cazzle will eat, not just you) or getting Mr Cazzle to have a very blunt chat with his mum about it (a final chance chat). Get Mr Cazzle involved in the solution before it gets to the point where you refuse to ever see them again. Believe me, whatever happens you will win if Mr Cazzle is behind you. You will either stop having meals there, or MIL will see that it’s now serious and adjust so she still gets to feed ‘her boy’. Sometimes in-laws have to be trained You can also just never be available at certain times, e.g, visit just after lunch and leave before dinner, because you’re ‘busy’. Mr Goo and I restricted dinners with my parents for about two years, though we are now slowly phasing them back in, depending on certain behaviours.
Besides that, vent away. Some in-laws are great, others really truly suck.
Skerri, I meant that in the scheme of catering for cazzle’s food needs, it is really not complicated. She sounds bloody easy to feed compared to my gluten intolerant lot who are a nightmare to cater for esp as they are also fussy. MIL, if she wanted to, could easily make food which was OK for cazzle to eat. I’m not advocating eating food one is allergic to, to keep the peace.
But I really don’t think being nice is gonna solve the problem in the long run.
Remember, both your food troubles and your MIL will be around for a long, long, time. You need to have that talk, and you need to stand your ground. You are already willing to not eat there ever again, which is a good place to start your chat with MIL from.
While I happen to like all of these foods individually, I’d never serve them together. Perhaps the sausages, coleslaw, and potato salad, but I’d NEVER serve lasagna and those two salad dishes. Lasagna needs a mixed green salad, with Italian salad dressing.
Some people have speculated as to whether cazzle’s MIL is being dense or bitchy. I vote bitchy, as I think that she deliberately is pushing cazzle’s diet buttons. I think that she KNEW that cazzle wouldn’t want to make a scene.
Perhaps the answer to this dilemma is for Mr. cazzle to develop one or more food sensitivities. Or for him to announce that he won’t eat anything that his wife can’t, because he doesn’t want her getting sick.
On the other hand, I haven’t seen any of MY inlaws for YEARS, because I’m quite sensitive to cigarette smoke, and most of them are heavy smokers. I told my husband a long time ago that I like my lungs a whole lot better than I like his relatives. However, my marriage is not the best, so take that into consideration.
But please, please, don’t make yourself sick any longer. It’s not worth it.
Oh, and DO call up MIL and give her updates on your health.
IMHO,
I agree with the posters who have said “not for anyone”. If you get sick from eating a particular food, don’t eat it. This is about power and control, not food. The solution won’t be pretty, but it has to be done if you don’t want to make yourself or your husband crazy over this.
If I were you and already had eaten foods I’d previously said I couldn’t, I would approach it as follows. Your milage may vary.
-Eat before the event
-Arrive at event, see all the foods you can’t eat
-Express sadness and disappointment at your inablilty to enjoy the wonderful looking foods that everyone else is eating, since you got so ill last time.
-DO NOT EAT THE OFFENDING FOOD no matter how it’s offered. Again, express how sorry you are that you can’t eat the food. Stand your ground- no one can force you to eat this.
-Repeat as needed at events until she gets the picture.
There is no need to be nasty, even though MIL is being very petty and nasty (and controlling, by the sounds). Just continue to assert the fact that you cannot and WILL not eat those foods.
The other thing I would really try not to do is drag your husband into it- it’s really an issue between you and MIL, and if she IS very manipulative, she may be trying to cause trouble between the two of you with this act, figuring that after parties you’re going home and fighting about this. I would try to take care of it directly with her.
don’t rise to the bait if she starts ranting. Remain calm and say “I’m sorry, but I will be very sick afterward if I eat this”
if you get kicked, out, leave. Maybe after you stick to your guns a few times she will get the idea that you are serious and not just whining.
YES I AGREE THAT SHE IS BEING A BITCH. It still falls to you to solve the problem, however, since it is obvious she isn’t going to cooperate without it.
If it never gets better, stop attending. Lie and say you’re sick and send apologies.
And yes, I do know how you feel. As a vegetarian, I find myself in similar situations regularly–no food that I can eat and people being offended that I won’t eat what they’ve made. It took my mom YEARS to take my vegetarianism seriously, but I never bent and ate meat because she made a scene.
Not food related, but an issue that couldn’t be resolved about my MIL’s behavior ended with us cutting ties. We have seen her one time in the last 11 years, and that was at my SIL’s wedding.
I know it is unpleasant, but it is either important to you or it isn’t. If it is, then hold your ground. Hopefully after she sees your resolve a few times, she’ll ease off.
cazzle, is the MIL always offering foods you’ve said you can’t eat, or is lasagne a one-time thing she offers?
If you’ve repeatedly told her you can’t eat tomatoes, and she consistently makes lasagne (or some other tomato-based dish) for these family get-togethers, I’d say she’s a passive-aggressive bitch. Again, sorry.
As we’ve said, stand your ground, and DO NOT EAT the offending food. Be polite, but firm. Just state, “I’m sorry, MIL, but I’ve told you many times I cannot eat tomatoes. They make me physically ill. I’ll just eat the baloney sandwich that I brought, and I’ll be fine, really.” I don’t think it would be rude to take your own food if you know from past experiances that she makes nothing that you can eat.
If she’s one getting hysterical and making a scene, you’ll look like the better person if you remain calm and in control. You’re an adult. She can’t hold you down and force it down down your throat.
I think I said the same thing to another Doper before:
If she is repeatedly offering you food she KNOWS makes you sick, and that she practically forces it down your throat, sneaks it into your food, whatever:
Tell her that you’ll press charges against her for trying to poison you/assault.
I agree with the Dopers who say that you should simply not eat the food, and stick to your guns. At the moment, she is not taking your problem seriously, and she probably thinks she knows better than you what is good for you.
Your story brought back memories of a large family dinner at my in-laws some years ago. My MIL had been told, both by me and by my husband, about my food allergy, so we weren’t worried that the offending vegetable would appear on the table.
It didn’t. It was in the soup, blended carefully. Luckily for me, after a few mouthfuls, I vomited violently onto the dinner table. I was lucky not to die right then and there. Needless to say, that family meal did not have a happy ending.
My MIL thought that I was being difficult, and what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me.
Well, maybe not…but it was certainly better than you DYING of shock right there. I’m sorry that you had to go through this to make your point, but I’m glad that you pulled through it.
I could do with one after our Father’s Day celebrations, too.