But by parting your lips and inserting the fork, it is you who is ignoring yourself.
I’m from Indiana and I’m amazed that people do not take allergies seriously. I cannot figure out what justifies the unbelievably bad manners, the conceit involved in feeding somebody something, despite repeated protests, that would make them very ill.
Combining lasagna and potato salad is a wretched idea even if you are in the best of health. I hate mayonnaise, YMMV, If that had happened often enough to me I would just slap them, and leave, and NOT come back. No one should be treated like that. I was taught if you have someone over for dinner, that you should have enough for evenyone and it should be something everyone can enjoy.
Good god. My stomach just hit the floor like a safe.
Ya know, there really is nothing like a good projectile vomit to really get a point accross. It’s horrible that you had to suffer, but I bet your MIL takes peoples food alergies a lot more seriously.
cazzle, if the food your MIL cooks makes you sick, don’t eat it. That’s one of the bonuses of being an adult - you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
I don’t know Cazzle, once you start getting into the range of three or more things you fundamentally don’t eat, you start sliding in to the “complicated food issues” range. If it is pretty normal to go to a restraunt and see nothing at all that you can eat, or if going to a dinner party is an ordeal, you are surely in the range of “complicated food issues”.
I’ve got friends who won’t eat garlic and onions. I’ve got friends that will only eat certain vegetables under certain circumstances. I’ve got friends who won’t eat cheese. Almost all of my friends (includeing myself) are vegetarians. But never ever have I heard of a situation where one of my friends, even with their complicated food issues, have been forced to eat something they do not eat.
The people with the most expansive issues (garlic and onion, for example, are a major presence in just about every cusine of the world) understand that they might have some trouble at restraunts and dinner parties. It’s pretty unreasonable to ask people not to cook with garlic or onions, no matter how real their need is. Thats why we have lots and lots of potlucks, and why we rarely do things like order pizza together.
Anyway, the only thing that is clear here is that there is an issue that runs a lot deeper than food.
cazzle, I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. But if you always eat the food she prepares, you can’t be surprised that she continues to make it.
Next time you’re invited for a meal, bring a side dish or two that you can eat. Bring enough for everyone. This way, you can eat with the family and it looks as though you’re contributing to the meal rather than rejecting it completely. Yes, it’s more of a pain for you, but it’s the most socially graceful way I can think of to deal with the situation. This isn’t some stranger you can piss off and then ignore. Your MIL is going to be in your life for years to come, it’s worth trying to resolve the issue with her in as amicable a fashion as possible.
Years ago, when I decided to cut my meat intake to just poultry and fish, I had a somewhat heated (for us) argument with my grandmother about it. She simply couldn’t wrap her head around the idea: “If you don’t get your protein from steak and hamburger, where do you get it? You’ll get sick and die!”
A few months later, we went over to dinner at my grandparents’ house. My grandmother had prepared an entire course of meals that I couldn’t eat. The main dish was ham, the green beans had bacon bits, and so on.
I was sitting next to my mother, and she noticed that as the dishes went around the table, I was passing them without taking any. I literally had an empty plate in front of me. I looked at my mother, and she shook her head, understanding what was happening.
I leaned over to her and said, “I’m going to see what I can find in the kitchen.” Not loud or obnoxious, just telling her what I was doing.
I got up and went into the kitchen. In the other room, I heard my grandmother ask: “What’s wrong with him?” And my mother responded: “He can’t eat any of this.” Grandmother: “What do you mean?” My mother, evidently pointing: “Ham, beef, bacon…”
When I got back to the dining room table, I had everything I was able to scrouge up: a banana and a bowl of ramen.
My grandmother never ever asked me about it, but at subsequent dinners there was never a problem with something I could eat.
I hate to join those who are bashing Mr. Cazzle, but you need an ally against your mother-in-law in this struggle, and he ain’t filling the bill.
Cazzle, you also mentioned that the times you DID bring a dish you could consume, she ate it all herself on purpose correct?
Then screw her, she’s being a passive-aggressive controlling bitch, and henceforth, deserves to get as good as she gives.
Here’s my oh-so-not-pretty suggestion. Forewarning, this will NOT be pretty, but should get the point across pretty damn quick. Bring some ipecac to the next family get together. Eat whatever she prepared. Yes, I know, but wait, this is the beautiful part.
Sneak some ipecac into your drink at some point. Drink it about 3/4 of the way thru the meal, at which point, the ipecac, being an emetic, will make you start to vomit. Violently. Everywhere.
Make sure you do NOT excuse yourself to go to the bathroom before you feel such urges coming on. You can however, go to the bathroom once the retching starts, making sure to leave a trail of vomit the entire way.
Yes, it will be unpleasant, but not nearly as unpleasant as the job your MIL will now have of cleaning up a houseful of your puke. When you come out of the bathroom, make sure to look weak and pale. Splash some cold water on your face so you feel clammy and sweaty to the touch. Go home and leave the mess for her to deal with.
I promise she’ll never make another meal without something you can safely consume.
Problem solved, and revenge served cold. It’s a win-win solution.
I hardly imagine would get a positive response to such a statement even if your MIL is a saint, which, clearly, she ain’t.
If you are served food you cannot eat, state firmly what the objectionable ingredient is (and I recommend that think real hard and see if you can find a better way to phrase it than the above), and then stick to with what you say, instead of caving in as you have in the past.
If you always cave to in her, not only does make it seem like you are just being picky, not only does it give her power over you, but honestly, it doesn’t seem to me that your MIL is the only one who’s being passive-aggressive. Eating food you know will make you sick, and then cursing the person who served it to you while you suffer the easily-forseeable consequences . . . this is not something that well-adjusted grown-ups do.
Good luck with your situation.
I have to agree with this. My mother-in-law is extremely passive-aggressive, and she is always coming up with reasons why she “can’t” do something. The reasons make about as much sense as you saying that you had to eat the lasagne because you’re going on a plane trip to Scotland in two months. Your MIL sounds like a grade-A bitch, but it’s you who is eating the food.
And Mr. Cazzle needs to back you up. He may feel “torn” between his mother and his wife, but if what she is doing is making you physically sick, then he needs to back you up. It’s been four years. This ain’t going to “blow over.” He sounds pretty spineless.
MoodIndigo: Great story! (Or it’s a great story in the re-telling. I’m sorry it happened.) What vegetable are you so allergic to? Inquiring minds want to know.
I second making it clear what you can and can’t do. I’d say forget arguing about foods that you don’t like - no point until you’ve got rid of foods that make you ill.
Exactly how bad are your allergies? You say you can eat the food, but vomit/diarhoea, etc, is that right. Make sure she knows precisely what the problem is before you go. Don’t feel martyred and eat it, explain to her beforehand calmly precicely what the problem is; eg. “Every time I eat something with tomatoes in, I vomit all night. Before I a lasagne I want to make sure you say (a) whether you believe I’m mistaken in this and (b) if you want me to vomit all night. I’m afraid I can’t afford to be that ill at the moment. I would love to come to dinner, but if I physically can’t eat it, I won’t, I will just enjoy my family’s company.”
Don’t add, however tempting “Oh no, you’ve forgotten my allergies. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise you were losing your memory.”
Maybe get Mr Cazzle to take a mid-stand? “Sometimes cazzle is a bit eccentric, but she really can’t eat this. She won’t be offended if she has to make do with another dish, but please don’t make her eat this.”
Make sure to tell us how this turns out.
I will agree with you that she is, without question, being a bad hostess. Not just bad, but spiteful and mean as well. She is a passive agressive bitch who is using your dietary requirements as a way to show power over you and her son. Because your husband has failed to stick up for you, she’s showing that she still holds the umbilical cord and can yank it at will.
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Don’t eat her food.
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Take your own. Take something for everyone, so that there will be enough for you.
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Tell your husband, who I’m sure is a lovely man, that if he can’t be your ally, you can’t continue to go with him.
My best friend had to do this about two years ago. Her MIL kept doing things that my friend disapproved of, and finally she had to tell her, “You’re not welcome in our home.” First, without asking if it was okay, the MIL brought their new dog with them when they visited. Not a big deal, you say, but my friend is allergic, and on top of that, the dog was big and poorly trained. They have two very small girls in the house, and the dog was not trained to be around children. The dog shit everywhere, and the mother just thought it was cute. Furthermore, the MIL agreed to babysit whilst my friend and her husband went out to eat. When they returned, MIL had allowed the girls to “paint” the kitchen cabinets with mayonnaise. She said they were being “artistic”. Whatever.
Point is, you can’t let someone walk all over you. You’re an adult. I know you want to get along with her for your husband’s sake, but you deserve respect. Demand it.
My reaction would be to make sure that I never travelled to MIL’s house empty-handed. Since she has a history of eating all the food you bring pre-emptorily, I would simply pack something in my purse* — a banana, some cereal, a meal-replacement bar, or a package of crackers. If you sit down to the table and find most of the meal inedible, serve yourself anything on the table that you can eat — the bread, or green beans, or whatever, and then round out your meal with your purse provisions.
I sorta agree with the folks who said that you’re contibuting to the problem by eating what’s served. I imagine that once you’ve left the house, she’s giving a smug “See? She said she couldn’t eat that, but you saw that she did!” to the other family members.
*Of course, seeing as how I never carry a purse, I would have to get one just for the occasion.
?? I don’t know what this phrase means.
**
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Granted your MIL is either terminally clueless or a hositle bitch but at the same time, you lost me with “I HAVE to EAT it”.
Really. You don’t. And you don’t have to fight with her. You’re a grown-up (and I’ve read enough of your other posts to know that this isn’t typical for you) but the above paragraph sounds like a whiney 12 year old wrote it, which is really, REALLY REALLY atypical for you **Cazzle. **
I had (have, technically) an Uncle who behaved much the same way and was always able to bait me into fights too…somehow it was alway me that ruined dinner when it happened.
Eventually I realized that I was a grown-up and he couldn’t make me fight if I didn’t want to. I think you need to do the same with your MIL. Here’s a sample of how the conversation should go.
Dramatis Personae
Cazzle: woman of taste and quality, hater of tomatoes, baked beans and all things greasy. Who, by the way, ate before going over to MIL’s house
MIL Played either as a evil harridan who’s trying to slowly poison our beloved Cazzle with dreaded mayo OR as a clueless bimbo who JUST. DOESN’T GET IT!
MIL: Cazzle dear, try my baked beans
Cazzle : I couldn’t possibly eat them, but thank you so much for offering :: bright sincere smile :: (No sarcasm allowed here)
MIL: Why not?
Cazzle: I couldn’t. But thank you!
MIL: But why?!
Cazzle: I’m sorry, I couldn’t possibly.
MIL: Just a taste.
Cazzle: I’m sorry, I’m sure they’re delicious, but I just couldn’t.
MIL: TRY THEM, DAMMIT!
Cazzle: I’m sure they’re wonderful. If only I could. But I couldn’t.
etc.
MIL (trying to rabble-rouse): Everyone at this table. Did you hear what she said to me! DID YOU?! She won’t eat my beans!
Mr Cazzle, Father Cazzle and all the other guests: :rolleyes:
Father Cazzle: Maw, she said she couldn’t eat 'em, now lay off Cazzle.
Eventually, she’ll either go insane and have to be institutionalized or she’ll get bored and go kick the dog or something. Either way, you get the smug satisfaction of knowing you behaved perfectly, you haven’t eaten the dreaded baked beans and no-one can say you started (or even particpated) in the fight. Do this enough times and she’ll give up.
And really. If you can’t eat 'em, don’t. Your health is worth more than family “peace”.
Fenris
quote:
Originally posted by cazzle
I don’t take my own food, because she gets offended and EATS IT ON ME.
I think that this is either eating Cazzle’s food herself, or passing her dish 'round so that there is none left for Cazzle.
I still say she should go with my “slip the ipecac into her drink and vomit violently all over the family dinner table after consuming a portion of the food” idea.
Just FTR…
Cazzle’s OP is from last September. She’s quite possibly not checking this thread daily for the continued helpful advice. 
Gah! Now I feel stoopid.
Why the holy heck was this thing bumped?
The short answer to that, Green Bean, is that someone linked to it from Sauron’s tomato-hatred thread, and one of the visitors failed to note that it used to be a dead thread.
[sub]Honestly. People who link to a dead thread should notate the fact in their links.[/sub]
Not to worry. I’m usually a pretty effective thread-killer myself. But I don’t get competitive and obsesive about it, so it will likely die again.
Your mother-in-law sounds like my mom, just with less of a sense of humor. I love my mother. I would do anything for her. And I know that she loves me and would do anything for me - except cook healthfully. Unfortunately, she doesn’t appreciate the fact that if I eat really fattening things, it not only makes me fat, but makes me sick as well. She once cooked “oven-fried, healthy chicken,” which was very healthy, until she literally POURED butter on it! What I usually do is offer to cook the meal, then when she leaves the room, only put on half the cheese she thinks a meal requires or use low-fat substitutes while she’s not looking.
Yes, it’s underhanded and sneaky. And damn funny, particularly when you imagine a grown woman sneaking egg substitute and fat-free cheese into her mom’s refrigerator or surreptitiously dumping a cup of vegetables or fruit into any and all dishes my mom makes while she’s visiting. But it gets the job done. It’s become sort of a family joke since I’ve been caught at it numerous times, but since it has never affected the quality or flavor of the food, she’s never gotten mad.