The Mother In Law...

The BBQ Pit
1

The Background:
So my MIL is staying with us.

She’s a fundie. Creationist, young-earth, bible is 100% literal truth type fundie. She sends me pamphlets on how Halloween is evil because it’s a pagan holiday, etc. She’s a very prim and proper, wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful type. Harry Potter teaches sorcery, etc.

She doesn’t like me, but doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude to actually say anything directly to me, she just complains to my dear sweet wife about what a horrible person I am. She is offended and senses personal attack any time you disagree with her. She does things that are supposed to be out of kindness, yet lays guilt trips on about them later. If you can’t perform a favor she asks of you (no matter how valid the reason), she tries to guilt you about things she’s done in the past.

I can live with that. I try not to start any confrontations with her because my wife will bear the retaliation.

Also, I like family dinner. I think it’s becoming a lost art, and I’m rather proud of the fact that my family sits down to a home cooked meal together most every evening. So while my wife was away last week, I cooked dinner for myself and my four children every night, because it’s what I like. The MIL knows this.

The point:
So this guy comes to the door selling frozen food, as he does every two weeks. My wife tells him the freezer’s full, we don’t need anything. My MIL tells him that “Her husband ordered out every day last week because she wasn’t here to cook for him.” Of course, I wasn’t actually there to hear it…the missus told me about it later.

The Rant:
You bitch. You fundie, unreasoning, unintelligent, goat-felching, ass-crack-hair-braiding, gerbil-smothering, anus-pucker-inducing, bible-thumping, mote-examining, monkey-squicking, oral-diarhea spewing, feces-flavored-popsicle-licking bitch. You insult me to a complete stranger in my own fucking house? You rat-fellating waste of skin and oxygen. I hope there is a God, so you can go to hell.

Bitch.

2

“Hey Bubba! Stop teaching the kids to read. They’re learning the tool of the devil.”
“Yes mother.”

“Beelz, you do know you’re going to hell, don’t you?”
“Yes mother.”

“Your beliefs are wrong and mine are right. You are a horrid horrid person and I’m ashamed to know you. I wave my ass in your general direction.”
“Yes mother.”

“Lucifer, I would sooner give myself a lobotomy to forget you’re married to my daughter and castrate you to insure you don’t perpetuate my beautiful genes than spend one more minute in your presences.”
“Yes mother.”

“Excuse me Mr. random stranger. But did you know that the person living in this house can’t work the toaster?”
"DIE YOU SCUM SUCKING DAUGHTER OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT!!!"

Nope, no problems here.

I am curious though. Was she telling the truth? Did you order out?

3

If I may be so bold as to quote myself:

I’ll attribute it to oversight :slight_smile:

A) This bugged me because it wasn’t to me, or my wife, but to some random stranger; yet she won’t do me the courtesy of actually discussing her feelings with me. If done at all, it is done through proxy, via Mrs. Bubba.

B) This is, at least in part, the result of many many little incidents similar to the one above, which I have borne quietly out of respect for the my dear darling wife. Please contrue the above rant to be an outpouring of vitriol for multiple incidents.

C) And since, this is the pit, fuck off :wink:

4

As a dyed-in-the-wool religious conservative, I have this to say about your rant:

There are two "r"s in “diarrhea”.

5

I know you aren’t specifically looking for suggestions/advice, but what the hell.

I don’t think that you MIL’s fundie ways are causing her crappy treatment of you. (however, I’m certain that there is a spurious relationship between the two.) I think it’s plain and simple – she doesn’t like you (as you stated.) Perhaps due to her beliefs, she will never like you. It matters not what you do to her, for her or with her. I state again she will never like you.

but of course you know that.

After reading the post, I couldn’t help but wonder just what the heck the arraingement is in that house. It sounds like it’s your house (and Beezlbubbette’s). Is she living with you (as in permanent) or just for a while? If she’s living with you, something’s gotta change, and right now.

I tend to think that your wife owes you a bit more than she may be giving. She “chose” you, married you, had 4 children with you and therefore you are a big part of her life. Heck, you and the family are probably the biggest part of her life - not mom, not anymore. Beelzebubbette left the nest a while ago and mom needs to realize that she holds no sway anymore. It’s your wife’s responsibility to break this to her. Sort of a “You may not care for him, but I do and the children do. Your denigration of him in front of me, the children and total straingers is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. If you have nothing nice to say, and I know you don’t, kindly keep your mouth shut. Vitriol directed towards my husband is not welcome here, and if you are unable to change your ways, then neither are you.”

If this doesn’t work (or if it ain’t gonna happen) you could say the same type of thing to MIL, but it’s much powerful coming from her daughter than her husband, who she believes is a jerk anyway.

Of course, if she’s staying with you for a week or so (or temporarily) you might be best served to vent it all here and mention this to the Missus when MIL is gone.

Surrounding ourselves with that which makes us unhappy doesn’t seem like the best route through life. Sure you wan’t the children to know their grandmother, but do you want them exposed to that?

My two cents; you can return any change.

6

Ass-crack-hair-braiding?

7

I’m going to ask a question that might get some flames. Why did your wife tell you that to begin with? Obviously there is tension in the house with MIL being a total bitch to your face. Why throw more gas on the fire by telling you that she is making cracks behind your back?

If it were me, I wouldn’t repeat those comments to you, and I also would have set the MIL (her mother) straight right then and there. Sometimes a person really needs to be told where the bear shit in the woods, and this seems to be one of those times.

Zette

8

Of course the idea of standing up for oneself at all times under all circumstances is an appealing, romantic idea, but I don’t think that there has to be something wrong with biting your tounge and letting domestic harmony win out provided that the person involed isn’t really part of your life (read: lives at least two hours away).

Face it, some people out there are just assholes, and they’ve been assholes for 60 years, and they aren’t gonna change because of a fine speech by anyone. Some of these assholes have children, and those poor kids end up with really torn relationships: it’s hard not to love the person that raised you, even if you recognize that they are less of a person than you. Often what you do is pity them, and try to make peace. If you marry one of these poor kids, it seems like supporting them in whatever degree of relationship they want to have with thier asshole parent is just one of the “for worse” parts of a marrige. Mind you, I am assuming that she visits a week or two each year, not lives next door and has a key to the house.

Zette, I can understand why the wife of the OP talked to him about this. She’s probably tearing her hair out with frustration herself as she deals with a woman that she has all sorts or conflicting emotions about. In a case like that, a spouse is supposed to listen and support, not ask you to chose.

9

Gotta go along with Zette here. What possible reason would your wife have for repeating your MIL’s statement? If she’s not gonna stick up for you, the least she can do is not tell you when the MIL rips on you.

My wife used to report to her folks comments that I had made. Never anything earth-shaking; usually stuff like “Your mother’s green bean casserole is sorta watery” or something similar. However, in each instance, I had specifically asked my wife, before making such a comment, NOT to relay it back to her folks. (“Honey, don’t repeat this to anyone. You know I love your mom’s cooking, but I really think her green bean casserole is a little too liquid-y.”) And, without fail, the next time we were all gathered around the dinner table, my wife would say “Mom, Sauron said your green bean casserole had more water in it than the Pacific.” And we all laughed, but my laughter and that of my mother-in-law was rather forced. And now my MIL thinks I hate her cooking.

Finally, I took my wife aside and told her I was going to stop telling her anything like this. She acted surprised that I would be upset; it was all in good fun, right? I told her no, it wasn’t in good fun, and it bothered me that she would turn around and relate something I had specifically asked her to to tell anyone. She finally got the message. I think.

10

I’m not sure why she tells me these things. The MIL considers Mrs Bubba a screw-up in most respects, and I’m one of her more major mistakes. They don’t really get along that well. Maybe she tells me as a sort of “commiserating”. I really don’t think she means any harm or is trying to cause any further strain. I think Manda JO’s probably got it right, and I do try to comfort and support.

Per Spritle’s remarks, yeah she’ll be gone in a week or so. So I was venting here…I don’t want to cause a big scene, which is what I’ll end up doing, no matter how calm and reasoned it starts out. And hey, I can understand my wife’s point of view: sure, she may be all the things I said…but she’s family. Not just family, but her mother. She’s in a tough position I guess.

I just wanted to vent a little so I wasn’t so tense when I got home. It worked. Well, that and finally using “ass-crack-hair-braiding” in a sentence :slight_smile:

11

Well, I consider myself one of said “Christian Conservatives”, but because I like pissing people off, I’ll help you out ** Beelzabubba**:smiley:

Point out that Christmas and the date for Easter both coincide with ancient Pagan holidays. Even celebrating on those days is a afront against God. Use the Orthedox calender, nutjob!

Also, point out she’s a pretty mean person for being a Kind Gentle Christian. I bet Jesus didn’t go around insulting people behind their backs.

12

I never overlook anything! Anything at all I tell you. You obviously must have hacked into the server and edited that paragraph into your OP after I’ve posted. Occam’s razor, man.

Yes! yes! That’s the solution to your problem. If you can tell a total stranger to fuck of you sure as hell can tell your mother in law to as well. If it makes you feel better, insert a smilie after your reply with her as well.

13

I know this is the Pit and this is a rant not a “What do you think of this scenario” but with all due respect Beelzebubba, your snotty MIL is not the core of the problem here, your wife is. Your wife may indeed be “dear and sweet” but this crap is only going to continue so long as your wife refuses to grow a spine and put mommy in her place and then plays the game of winding you up after the fact with “Wait till you hear what she said about you now” tales of the MIL’s snottiness.

Until your wife puts her foot down this little ping pong match between your wife and MIL (which has probably been going on long before you were even on the scene) will continue to spin itself out with you as the ball.

14

astro, doing that would inevitably void his wife’s relationship with her mother. Is it really fair to ask somebody to give up their mother (however much of a bitch she may be) because she says nasty things about you one week a year? We make allowances for the people we love, and we understand that the people we love have to make allowances for the people they love, however unwisely.

Now, if this woman lived close, if she were effecting their whole life, I would agreee with you. But one week of sympathy (for his wife, not for his mother-in-law) seems like the act of a loving, caring husband to me. Who knows? Someday the OP’s mom may be elderly and need to come live with him full time and even though she’s a sweetheart she’ll need constant attention and work. (all hypothetical, obviously. I don’t know the OP from Adam). Being married means asking each other for some pretty huge fucking favors sometimes. One of those favors can be recognizing that while your MIL can’t roll with the punches and act like an adult, well, you can, and even though it isn’t fair, it’s the right thing to do. As long as it is only a week or so a year.

15

As the wise man Gallagher once said:
“Behind every successful man, there’s an amazed mother in law. So it’s worth the effort to succeed just for the opportunity of fucking her up.:D”

16

To a certain extent you’re quite correct. I guess it begins and ends at whatever level of bad behavior, as adults, we’re willing to put up with from our parents. If my mother came to visit and she continually disparaged my wife during the visit at some point I would have to ask her to stop this or leave. If the “price” of having a relationship with a difficult parent is that they must be allowed to indulge themselves in their annoying and destructive behaviors and be able to beat on your spouse verbally then that is a price each person has to decide for themselves that they are willing to pay.

I personally, would not make my wife pay that price.

17

Manda JO’s got it pretty spot on again…about allowances and making sure it’s only one week a year. We’ve decided not to move anywhere within 300 miles of her (the MIL, not MJ), as it would be too close for comfort.

If it were my mother, who is a fairly reasonable adult, I could say “Hey mom, shut up will you? That’s my wife you’re talking about.” But the thing about it is, being that she’s a fairly reasonable adult, I’ve never had cause to say that to my mother.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to hold my wife accountable for her mothers behavior, and I don’t consider it a “price” that I’m being forced to “pay”. I’m spending time with some one I’d rather not, but at least I can see fundamentalism close-up. It’s an odd world in there. I mean, the woman bought the bible in novel form. Apparently there’s some book called “God’s Word” or something like that, and it’s a translation of the bible into a narrative story-type format. I might never have known about that.

Note: I really haven’t meant to insult the faithful as a whole, so I hope it didn’t come across as such. I just don’t like being told that I’m sending my kids to hell by letting them dress up as the Little Mermaid and say “Trick or Treat”.

SpaceGhost
That halloween incident was my first real run-in with the situation. I wrote the letter you describe…it was actually more of a thesis than a letter, but my wife begged (begged!) me not to send it. So I didn’t.

While I’m pretty successful, my MIL has yet to be amazed. I guess I’ll have to try harder. OTOH, unless I convert I don’t think I’ll ever be successful enough. Oh well, that’s what you get for being the spawn of Satan…

Maybe I’ll see what the Qur’an has to say about it tonight at the dinner table [sub]Bad! Bad me! Don’t be mean![/sub]

18

Hey Beelze! Want to trade? Even up, no boot.

19

Hmmm. So, if I’m reading the OP right, she told a malicious lie about you to someone else. Doesn’t that qualify as “bearing false witness”? Doesn’t sound very godly to me.

You could always threaten to become the person she tells everyone you already are. It’s not like she could say any worse things about you anyhow… :wink:

20

She’s gone! SHE’S GONE!! WOOHOO!!!

[sings] Ding Dong the Witch is dead! [/sings]