I was going to write a poem, or a song, but after working far too many hours this week, I’ve realized that I just don’t have the time to be as incredibly creative as I’d like.
I only got so far as There’s an asshole in New York who should be thrown under a bus
There’s an asshole in New York who should be thrown under a bus
This thieving motherfucker should die without a fuss
There’s an asshole in New York who should be thrown under a bus.
which expresses my sentiment well, even if it is somewhat repetitive.
However, I have learned three things this week.
It doesn’t matter if something – such as my 120 db airhorn-- is bolted on to a bike, some asshole will snap whatever he can off and take it with him. Even if doing so renders said object inoperable.
The security guards at my office have less sentience than a zombie. Their only job is to look at people walking in and walking out of my building. So I was somewhat bemused when I walked through the empty lobby, said ‘Good night’ to the guards, looked at my bike, then turned around and walked back in to ask if they had seen anything through the wall of plate glass windows, and the guard asked “Are you here for a food delivery?”
No motherfucker. I walked past you 5 seconds ago. We said ‘good night’ to each other. I walked past you, opened the door, took two steps while you looked at me, then I turned around and opened the door again and stepped inside! Apparently in your universe, turning around qualifies as a magic trick! No wonder nobody realized Clark Kent was Superman-- not only did he turn around, he took off his glasses!
If your bike gets stolen (which thankfully mine was not), you can probably find it the next day being ridden by a restaurant delivery guy in your neighbourhood. And even if you match the serial numbers (easy to do since bikes are parked outside) and reported the theft when it originally happened, the police will say they have no legal standing to take any action to recover stolen property.
So get your bike back by waiting beside the restaurant for a delivery guy to jump on your bike, hit him with a stick, then jump on your bike and ride home.
Part of me wants to set up a decoy bike loaded with accessories, wait for some thief to come along, and then just beat the crap out of him. I wouldn’t even have to worry about a trial, thanks to Bernie Goetz.
But all I’m really going to do is keep an eye out for an airhorn with some missing pieces duct taped to a bicycle – and if I ever spot it, I’ll just cut it off and slash the tires for good measure.
If you’re pitting Vandals, does that mean you’re a Lombard? One of the Wild Burgundes perhaps?
Seriously, I truly despise people who too stupid to be dishonest. I might at least understand stealing something without ruining it; it at least makes sense. Also, a blast from a 120dB air horn might be just the thing for the sack of shit at the front desk. If someone walked off with the bike, perhaps he could say, “I though it was his.” No one rips the horn off his own bike.
After the first time I had a locked bike stolen, I started unhooking the brakes when I left the new one unlocked, imagining with some satisfaction someone breaking the lock and jumping on it and riding away and getting squashed at the first big intersection. I hate bike thieves. If I could afford it, do you think I’d be riding this bike?
IIRC, some places are making bicycle theft a bigger crime, and pursuing it with more seriousness. It might be NYC I’m thinking of, but I’m not certain.
An open letter* to the security guards that watched the guy steal Barbarian’s airhorn:
Well, you knew it wasn’t his airhorn! What did you think? He was coming back for the rest of his bike later? Well, why didn’t you do something? Why didn’t you say something? You human piece of apathy! Why didn’t you say, “Hey! That’s not your airhorn! That could be Barbarian’s airhorn! We love him! And he loves that airhorn!” Just eatin’ brunch. Well, didn’t you think he needed it? He did! Well, look at that! Feast on that act of violence! Good work, Einstein! Pus!
[sup]*with sincere apologies to The Kids in the Hall, from whom this was shamelessly adapted[/sup]
I miss my airhorn. It made a wonderful asshole repellant. I have put a new airhorn on my Xmas list. I will figure out some way to make the thing unstealable-- including the use of metal zip ties and duct tape.
The security guards at my workplace are notoriously stupid. They have great difficulty in working a telephone.
I pit Vandals because I’m descended from vikings.
capybara, I used to live in Vancouver (which is actually worse for property crime, thanks to the itinerant population of drug addicts), and luckily had nothing stolen from my bike there. My wife, on the other hand, once had her seat stolen.
A friend of mine back in high school days did this. He worked at a supermarket and would lock up his bike in back, but still scumbags with boltcutters came; and
he had 2 bikes stolen in a short period of time.
So, he got hold of a junker bike, selectively cut some links on the chain, and left the bike out as bait.
Bait was taken; my friend (who was in hiding and watching) jumped out; would-be thief started laughing as he tried to peddle away, only to have the chain break.
My friend worked him over so much that he feared the guy would need plastic surgery.
Ugh. This type of thing happened to me precisely once.
I left my bike locked to a sign on the East Side in the mid-20s (Park Avenue, IIRC) and went into a building to say hello to a client. Came back out 10 minutes later to find that some biscuithead had taken my seat, little blinky light and seat post. Pissed me off to no end, considering I had a nice gel seat and a shock-absorbing seat post. To add insult to injury, I had to pedal all the way home with no seat.
Turns out I was naive. According to the guy at the bike shop, everything that can be removed from the bike will be. (And it will be disguised with duct tape and used to deliver pizzas and Chinese food.) The bike shop guy gave me some advice and I took it. The seat is now chained to the frame. Almost everything else that can come off is now welded or threadlocked on. (Yes, I know I will need a torch if anything needs to be replaced.)
Of course, they could just steal the whole bike. Good luck, though. You’d need a bolt cutter the size of Cleveland to get through the chain I use. And I always chain it to something thick and metal.
They should have Lo-Jack for bikes, with the chip INSIDE the frame somewhere. That would rock.