Someone, sooner down the thread, is going to point out quite a simple fact to me. It’s going to be fairly obvious from the subsequent rant but just so they don’t have to waste the pixels on pointing this simple fact out to me, I am going to do it now.
I am Jealous.
Very jealous indeed. I am jealous of Mensa. Not the individual members, I’ve nothing against them, just the organisation in general. More accurately I’m jealous of one particular aspect of their organisation. Namely their ability to get published.
Let me explain. For a couple of years now I’ve been creating my own original puzzles, from scratch. Yeah I know it’s a bit sad but what can I say, it’s a hobby. Over time it has been brought to my attention that I am very good at my hobby and three or four people have now told me, completely independant of one another, “Y’know, you really should try and get those published or something, they’re good”.
So one weekend I compiled all my puzzles together and printed them out on my PC and ended up with about 47 pages worth, not quite enough for a whole book but I could always stick in some filler material or some such thing. Anyway, I e-mailed a few publishers, wrote to some magazines and made a few phone calls to publishing agents, left messages with their secretaries etc…
That was a month ago.
I have heard nothing, not one damn thing. Nil. Nada. zip. Zilch. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!. Absolutely fuck all. “Boy,” I think to myself “My puzzles must’ve sucked, my friends must just have been flattering me. Ah well, it was just an idea anyway. No harm done”.
But then, a couple of weeks after I’d done that I had another look at my manuscript, just out of idle curiosity and thought, “Hang on, these are pretty good. You can’t deny that. I guess they just weren’t good enough”. This reassured me and gave me some hope to try again. All I had to do was check out the competition, see what I was up against and the kind of quality I had to produce so I went down the bookshop and bought a few books.
One of them was calle Enigma’s, and was very good. Logical, well thought out, fun, interesting and challenging problems. The other three were Mensa Books.
They sucked. They sucked more than a Beverly Hills Liposuction clinic once word’s got out that Aaron Spelling is casting a new trashy soap opera. They were utter shite. Dull, boring, uninteresting, worthless, simple, lazy and childish. Not one seconds fucking thought had gone into any of them. It was clear that they’d only been published because of the name, and that people only fucking buy then because of the fucking name. I could do better work than that after a labotomy. Hell, I could do better work than that during a labotomy!
It just pisses me right off. Here I am, doing good quality, publishable material and getting absolutely nowhere but any time some scroteclamp from Mensa has a fucking brainfart they publish it and Mensa makes a million.
You might be sitting there thinking who gives a fuck? It’s just some damn puzzles. Problem is I want to make a living as a novelist and shit like this shows me (a) Just how completely full of shit the publishing industry is and (b) the sort of shit I’m gonna have to churn out to get a story published. This one little experience with a little puzzle book has gotten me royally fucked off against the whole publishing industry and dashed my hopes of ever making it as a writer which has pissed me off no end 'cos I’ve been dreaming about becoming a famous novelist the same way most kids dream about being an astronaut or a basketball player for as long as I can rememeber. Fuck!
Man, I’m too pissed and disheartened to even rant right.