So my family is just sitting down to dinner last night when my daughter starts screaming and pointing at the window. I turn around and there’s a goddamned zombie with his wormy face pressed right up to the glass! Smearing his filthy, rancid flesh all over it, too. God-damn-it! I jump up, get the kids into the next room and turn lights off so that the zombie can’t see us and I can see out and shit! there were about ten of the stinky fuckers wandering around the backyard.
We call 911, and the cops are on the way. But it must have taken them ten minutes to get here. Meanwhile, the fucking zombies are starting to break windows. I’m trying to call the neighbors and warn them, but instead I’ve got to shoot fucking zombies with my shotgun to keep them out of my fucking house! And the kids and the wife are going fucking nuts.
So when cops arrive, they bust down the door and come charging in at us wearing those zombie-proof suits, scaring us as bad as the zombies. Hell, they can’t see or hear shit through those helmets. They almost blasted us before realizing we were yelling, “Hey, don’t shoot, dumbshit! We’re not zombies!” I thought I was going to have to shoot first.
The other zombies got it with flame throwers in the backyard, burning up my deck and one tree in the process. Understandable. I don’t want shot up zombies lying around, possibly spreading their infection. But, Jesus! What a mess!
I never thought I’d live to see zombies, right here in my own backyard, in the USA. What have those fuckwits at the CDC been doing? SARS? We’re talking brain-hungry, walking corpses here, and their scratching their heads over a cough!
It was bad enough having to worrying tornadoes, now it’s motherfucking zombies! Jesus!
Wait, were these Voodoo zombies, or horror movie zombies?
If the latter, then the shotgun was the right idea, at least as a holding measure until the proper incantation can be discovered or the correct syrum can be produced by the plucky and resourceful protagonist.
However, if these are good ol’ fashioned Voodoo zombies, the trick is to get them to eat salted meat. The flavor of the salt in the meat “wakes” them, so to speak, allowing them to realize the horrific truth: they are dead. Once this occurs, the spell is broken and the zombie will either drop dead (again) immediately or do so immediately after enacting revenge upon whoever it was who raised them from their comfortable grave.
They don’t have a functioning circulatory system. This is evidenced by the fact that they can walk around with a big gash without bleeding to death. All their blood has coagulated (since they’re dead). They don’t breathe, which is why they can survive underwater. So why the fuck do they need to eat human brains? They can’t digest it! They have no metabolism! It’s all just piling up in their stomachs. They can’t even take a dump to get rid of it. The reason they eat human brains isn’t because they need to, it’s because they’re GREEDY, DEPRAVED FUCKERS!
I also hate the People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies, but don’t get me started on them.
Fuckin zombies. When will people learn to either shoot their dead in the head or burn them.
Every time these freakin zombies come out, I end up holed up with a bunch of hysterical morons. Last thing I need is to get shot by some redneck, blown up by some jackass who can’t operate a gas pump or into a shouting match with some jerk who thinks the Mega-Mall is a defensible position.
I swear to god, next time, anyone who acts irrational or says something stupid is getting a kiss on the forehead from sweet lady double-tap.
Why not? It was those idiots at PETZ that were mostly to blame for Ford’s disbanding of the FVZA. If it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t be having this recent resurgence now. The vaccine’s been available since 1911 for chrisake. There’s no excuse for it. Those fuckers are gonna bring a new meaning to “bleeding heart liberal” if they aren’t careful.
Francis, it’s not the fault of the undead that they’re consumed with an unnecessary lust for human flesh. Everyone knows the blame for zombie plagues lies squarely on the jackbooted shoulders of money-grubbing consumer-raping ethically bankrupt evil capitalist pigdog pharmaceutical giants like the Umbrella Corporation.
Um… Fuck.
I’m supposed to say “fuck,” right? It’s my first time in the Pit.
I’m fairly alarmed that the FVZA site doesn’t seem to mention salt at all. I ought to drop this guy a line and find out what the deal is. One would think that the Feds would have the straight dope on salt as a cheap, verstatile and effective zombie anaphylactic. I swear by the stuff myself, and it does work. Put out a line of salt, and zombies won’t cross it. I think it’s their sense of smell that warns them off. Throw salt on a zombie, it usually doesn’t kill them outright, but it does slow them down and they clearly don’t enjoy it either. Plus, their flesh sort of foams up a bit for some reason. Try it yourselves; at the very least, it distracts and discourages them, and could give you a precious few extra seconds if you’re low on ammo. You’ll never catch me without a packet of the stuff on my person.
I prefer the “Blow to chunky kibble” option. I remember this one time when me and the boys were camping on an abandoned Indian graveyard and we used the old Molotov cocktails and shotguns on them.
Didn’t kill them, but sure as Hell slowed them down long enough for the proper authorities to get them.
And don’t get me started on Vampires. That’s the last time I’ll ever Visit Nome in the winter…
