Movies that should have been over in the first 5 minutes

You know the kind-in the opening scene a character does something very stupid (Idiot Plot), or the beginning is contrived in some very obvious and stilted way as the setup. If someone were to step forward and say, “Hey, wait a minute…” or fate wasn’t so accomodating, the story would be over right there (but then there wouldn’t be any movie either).

My example comes from a film I otherwise enjoy very much (tho perhaps “enjoy” is the wrong term, as when I first watched it, it was late at night, and afterwards I didn’t get a wink of sleep). In the 1982 remake of The Thing, in the opening scene two Norwegian guys are chasing what appears to be a Siberian Husky and shooting at it. When the American team arrives they get very nervous with all the bullets whizzing by, and return fire, killing the two Norwegians as they shout (in Norwegian) “Get away from It! It’s a Thing, not a dog! Get away, idiots!”

All that needs to happen is the Norwegians to put their firearms away, de-escalate the confrontation, and then explain to the Americans what the situation is. Yeah the Yanks will be skeptical, at first, but they will avoid all of the future surprises awaiting them and eventually some tests by Blair (Wilford Brimley) will confirm the truth.

Not sure if it’s in the first five minutes, but three entire Star Wars movies depended on the lame-ass command, “Hold your fire. There are no life forms.” Said in a galaxy known to be crawling with semi-autonomous artificial life.

Elrond could have prevented ten hours of The Lord of the Rings by giving Isildur a little nudge in the prologue (although that really wouldn’t have been the right thing to do).

Bambi vs. Godzilla. Oh…wait.

Any Horror movie that involves a known killer on the loose and a bunch of stupid kids. RUN AWAY. Drive off, hit the highway, leave the premises, depart, flee, egress, exit. Just get the fuck out of there and there will be no further danger.

Jeepers Creepers.

Really any movie where the action really starts after the main character decides to go investigate something that is none of their damn business.

Yeah, but if they did that it would turn out that the bridge was out and they were trapped at the house filled with reanimated zombie corpses. Then the really messed up crap starts happening.

I don’t have a good example of my own. I have a bunch right at the edge of my mind, but I can’t think of them now that I am responding.

Again not quite the first 5 minutes (its post opening scene), but everything that went down in 28 Weeks later could have been avoided if some bright spark hadn’t decided to give Apartment Building Janitors “all access” passes to every door including those in the military base.

“American Peacekeeping Forces! For when everyone else is busy - even the Italians!”

FS, you just made me fall in love with you.

The MAD magazine parody of The Guns of Navarone has the Gregory Peck character saying (as he does in the real movie), “No sir, that mission’s too dangerous!”, followed by the Anthony Quayle character agreeing (as he doesn’t in the film) "I Agree, sir. This movie ought to make a nifty “short” on “military briefing!”

When I first heard the premise, I thought that Jaws would fall into this category. Girl Gets Washed up on Beach in Pieces. It’s Obvious that A Shark Did It. City posts signs “No Bathing.” End of movie.

In the same vein, 28 Days Later Some self-righteous animal-rights activists either don’t believe the scientist when he says the chimp is infected, or don’t care. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what this “rage” is, the point is that he said it’s INFECTED! You fucking leave it in the cage!

Squee! :slight_smile:

As for a real answer, I would also say “28 Days Later”–if the animal rights people said to themselves, “You know, maybe these scientists know more about these creepy chimps than we do,” none of this would have happened.

The Norwegians were scared and not thinking straight. I don’t really see this as a flaw in the movie.

Marc

And that’s the worst kind.

Gandalf: We need to get the ring to Mt Doom!
Frodo: Ok Gandalf call us some eagles so we can fly and drop it in
Gandalf: I was going to suggest you walked the whole way

Raiders of the Lost Ark could have been skipped entirely.

If Indy had never gone looking for the ark … the Nazis would have found Marion, taken the amulet, dug in the right location, found the ark, taken it to Berlin, and opened it in front of Hitler. The Fuhrer would have been vaporized and World War II and the Holocaust would have been averted.

Spaceship driver: “Okay, we’re done collecting plant life here, let’s go. Can we get a quick headcount first?”
Alien: “We forgot Norm again!”
Spaceship driver: “Oops. There he is. Got him? Good. That’s all earth need is another extra terrestrial running amock.”

-The End

I know! Especially when they bite your hand and you have to cut it off and replace it with a chainsaw.

Ok the chainsaw thing is actually pretty badass, but the rest of it blows.
I came up with an entry.

The Maltese Falcon

What if Sam Spade had just gone with his gut and told the lady to cheese it? He knew she looked like trouble.

You don’t know many animal rights activists, do you?

Yeah, but trouble is usually the best tail, so he did what any red-blooded man would. He flipped for tail.

I can’t say for sure as I’m basing this on various reviews and ex-SO’s take on it but I’m going with The Happening.

The commercial completely creeps me out…from the people falling out of the sky to the dead policeman to the girl who stops talking and cuts her own throat. In fact it kind of haunts my dreams. But apparently all this happened in the very beginning after which it becomes very very boring.