Ok, so the grass…well, the weeds anyway, are getting so high that you cant see the pink flamingoes in the yard…Oh what the hell, you cant see much of the house period…not the shrubberys anyway, and I finally overcame my dread, and resurected…it…
It is Mowerstopholes, Satans own lawn mower. I aquired IT at a garage sale, along with a couple of old playstation. It began life innocent enough, as a Western Auto Wizard 16 H.P. Garden Tractor with the optional 44" dual blade mower deck. Little did Western Auto or MTD know of the force for darkness they were unleashing upon the poor sould who purchased it some sunny Texas 20 years ago.
Ive been dreading this all winter. Its been lurking in the back of the shed, just waiting there…Every time I walk by and see it, now painted a sickley John deer like green, a cold horror grips my very soul like an iron fist. I know that one day, I will have to deal with it again, because my friends, the city requires the lawn to be kept at a reasonable level, and there is no way around it.
This morning, I said a brief prayer, and slipped carefully up on it with an extension cord, and matco battery charger. IT leered at me as I connected the leads…its time of domination was at hand and the lust in its headlights betrayed its dark soul. I gave an involuntary shudder, like I had just stepped on a grave. And turned the key.
I suppose I should explain.
Mowerstopholes is no ordinary tractor. For one thing, it does wheelies, and I don’t mean that it just CAN do wheelies, it does them if you want them or not.
It has four Speeds
[list=1]
[li]Almost standing still. Might as well be.[/li][li]Fster than it has steering and brakes for, but still to slow[/li][li]Way to fast[/li][li]Steering does no good at this speed. Better hope the neighbors lawn needs mowing too.[/li][/list=1]
THats just the start. Blade brake? What blad brake? You can turn off the PTO, which is supposed to stop the blades. Sometimes it sends the vbelt winging out into th middle of the street. More often, the blades just keep spinning until the brand new exntesion cord you just bought wraps itself around the blades until the insulation melts into a gooie orange mess, billowing smoke out till the neighbors call the fire dept…and often a priest.
About every other trip around the yard one of the tires goes flat. New rubber, it doesnt seem to matter. THey just go flat for no adequately explainable reason.
the steering…well, Mowerstopholes turns when it feels like it. When he doesnt, the steering just makes sort of a thunking sound, and keeps going the way it wants. Not that it matters, cuz half the time the front weels are off the ground anyway.
It has a bit impressive looking lever on the side that according to the manual should adjust blade hight. It should anyway. The mower deck just pretty much drags along the ground on its wheels, regardless of the lever, and the wheels are at differant heights, and the fires of hell itself could not budge them.
So today, I get it fired off. I air up the tires, Its running better than it ever has. I’m starting to feel good about it, like maybe its spirit has shuffled off to Iraq to fight for the Republican Guard…Or the Republican party at least…Then, right in the middle of the tallest grass, I hear this horrendous sound, like a drummer trying to…Well, do something you could imagine a drummer doing anyway, only louder, if thats possible.
Mrs. Bdgr came running out of the house to see what the problem was. She thought someone had dropped a Garbage truck full of drummers on our lawn. The smoke and sulpher had cleared out from uder the mower and I looked under it. The two blades were now not synced anymore. which mean that they hit each other. Hard.
On top of everything else, I am now going to have to rebuild the mower deck. The parts apparently have to be sent from the the lake of fire…or Cleveland anyway. another 100 bucks I don’t have.
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