Mr Mom and the dark side

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I’ve been out on disability for just about 4 years now and I’ve pretty much run down every mental road there is. I’ve been Mr Mom for all that time, doing all the stuff a Mr. Mom does. That part of my life is coming to a welcomed close for me. Because now I’m just becoming dangerous to myself.

My newest adventure: becoming infatuated with another mommy. Our kids play together. Most of the summer I’ve picked up the other kid and took them to the pool without her mom. A few times the mom came and we started talking and all that. I dig this chick. I shouldn’t because we’re both married but I just do.

She started telling me stuff about her life and yada yada she made it exceptionally easy for me to tell her that I liked her. I don’t know what “like” means. I sometimes get interested in other women but either I don’t allow myself to take it further or the opportunity just doesn’t present itself. This time no.

So since school started and the pool’s closed I started calling her. The conversations were usually more than an hour and strangely religion was a big topic. She’s Christian, I’m not (agnostic over here).

She did her share of letting me know that she liked me but she also told me that things would end badly and that this was not good. I agree. I’m sorry I really like this chick and it really really sucks. I was in the dumps about this all day yesterday. Bu the truth is the truth.

Usually when we pick our kids up from school we stand in totally different spots and she only walks past me. If I’m lucky I get a hello. No problem.

Today she AND her husband picked up her kid in what was absolutely a signal to me. It was not accidental or coincidental that he was there. I just wonder how that conversation went.

He’s not liked me (rightly so it turns out) since before I even looked at his wife the wrong way. Somehow now I feel better. Really really better. Everything’s definitely run its course as far as it’ll go. Maybe that’s why.

So now I’m certain that I’m a danger to my marriage. I don’t know what that was that just happened and I’m sitting here with a lot of questions about myself.

Mundane and pointless? maybe.

For anyone who plans on going on a tangent about my disloyalty to my wife I say this: I don’t want to hear it.

2

Well, mundane and not entirely pointless. It is a valid concern and I think that you show that you are still very loyal to your wife as you are questioning things instead of letting yourself be controlled by the small head. If you weren’t loyal to your wife, wouldn’t you have just gone ahead and had an affair?

I think you will work it through just fine, and as to crushing on the other mom, I think it is pretty normal to form attatchments to people that you come into contact with on a fairly frequent basis. Just because you like her a bit more than you are comfortable with, and realize that it isn’t a good attraction to be forming, and are glad that it isn’t going to happen shows responsibility and self control. If I were your wife, I’d be pretty proud of you right now for acting in such a rational manner.

3

What aruvqan said. I think it is normal to become infatuated with others. and the fact that you didn’t act on it and were uncomfortable until you felt the shutdown/resolution proves you are loyal to your wife/marriage. Maybe it happened because of your situation-sounds like you’re a little tired of the ‘Mr Mom’ bit. I think every reasonably sentient person goes through stuff they have to question themselves about. You’re human, like it or not.

4

Here’s the thing: It’s entirely possible that I might’ve done something wrong. In fact my bet is that I would have done something wrong if things worked out that way. If she’d have drawn me in more I think I might have accepted.

I’m usually not like that but this time it was just different. And it’s not that she’s the hottest mom I’ve ever seen. I deal with one who is smoking hot and I have to practically push the woman out the door when she drops her kid off. Her looks go out the window when she opens her mouth.

It’s a mind trip that got me.

5

Still thinking about her. What did she do to me? I’m actually considering going back on effexor which was so hard to get off of in the first place. Holy hell. :confused:

6

It might be time to give yourself a mental whack on the knuckles. Hell, even a physical one or three. Somebody else’s wife = pain.

7

What do you mean about that part of your life coming to a welcomed close? Is your situation changing?

I know it doesn’t really feel that way, but you were lucky she didn’t want to start anything. It would have been great for a little while, and then everything would likely have gone in the toilet. You’ll be okay. And I guess it goes without saying you should avoid her for a while? (( Rooves ))

8

A married woman regularly talking on the phone an hour or so at a time to a non-relative male friend on personal topics is reaching for intimacy, so this is hardly a one way street re being your fault. Having said this do not chat up this interlude in any way shape or form with your wife. Many women (if it was an either/or choice) would almost prefer that their husband have a one shot, one night stand than become non-sexually emotionally intimate with another women. Even if there was no sex involved most women would not view it as “no harm - no foul”.

Assuming you’re no longer Mr. Mom are you going to focus on strengthening your married relationship or are you and your wife moving in a another direction?

9

One thing I have learned along the way during my life is to not beat myself up for feeling or thinking stuff. It’s only if I act on the feelings or thoughts that I might end up doing something I’ll regret.

Since the worst you did was talk to this woman a lot, which last time I saw was a two-way thing (it’s hard to hold hour-long conversations with just yourself), there’s really not a lot of basis for blaming yourself for doing anything wrong. You haven’t really – yet. Obviously, however, you’re concerned that you would have.

You might consider taking this as a wake-up call to look at your marriage and your life in general and see if you can figure out why this all happened. I know that when I was staying home with my kids when they were younger, I was frequently half-starved for adult companionship, and I appreciate that it’s harder when you’re a guy and most of the other stay-at-homes are women. It’s not unusual to miss adult conversation; there are lots of good ways to find it, however, without feeling like you’re getting your marriage in trouble in the process.

In any case, good luck working through it all.

10

It can’t help that you’re a guy in this situation.

Not that I’m criticizing - I think what you’re doing for your kids is admirable. But the situation has you obviously mixed up.

You described this woman as “another mommy”. That’s not true, of course. She’s a mom, and you’re a dad. And different people deal with this thing differently.

My wife stays at home with the kids, and gets an awful lot of support from other moms who do the same. If I were doing this, I doubt I’d fit into her circle of friends in quite the same way.

You seem to be proving this, since you came quite close to an affair.

I wonder if there aren’t other stay-at-home husbands around you can team up with. Might not be, and these circles are often determined by the social circle of the kids anyway.

Are you getting out much for “nights with the guys?”

11

The reason I asked this last question is that, IMHO, being a lone guy with a social set dominated by women is just asking for trouble.

Some of these women will be good looking, some will be divorced or otherwise unattached, and some will be inclined to cheat even if they are married.

If you had a social set that didn’t totally revolve around these people, it might help you compartmentalize things a bit better.

12

That is very wise advice!

13

Although I don’t have children, I received a very similar ‘wake-up call’ this summer.
My husband almost pursued a real life meeting with a woman he’d met in a chat room.
To give him credit, once he realized that she was looking for a long term commitment with a sexual involvment, he was very clear about letting her know that he was happily married and not looking to change that.

I was extremely hurt but after I worked through the pain and anger, I understood that we had started to take each other way and our marriage too much for granted.
I had become the person that he did the mundane boring marriage type things with and to be honest, I had forgotten that when he married me, I was a sexy exciting person-not a frump who spent most of her time worrying about finances and the other trivial bits and pieces of life.

One of the most important things that I learned was that it is essential to keep the lines of communications wide open.
Oh, I thought we’d been talking all along but we really hadn’t.
We never really sat down and discussed what we needed emotionally from each other.
We had allowed ourselves to slip into rut roles.

I guess what I’m trying to get at by my ramblings is that there is nothing wrong or unusual about being attracted to someone else but as, Mama Tiger said, please regard this as a wake-up call to take a long hard look at your marriage and examine why you found someone else so attractive emotionally that you might have been willing to risk what you had.

14

Consider me awake now.

My situation is changing in that I’m going to go back to work. I think after that everything else will work itself out. Aside from these mixed feelings my marriage has been fine if that makes any sense.

I think what everyone’s saying is true. It started out being another adult to talk to. I’m the type who starts to care about people who open up to me and I started caring. Caring a lot. Now I know what has to be done and it is for the better. It just feel like a detox situation right now.

Thanks everybody. :slight_smile:

15

Rooves,

You did the right thing, man. Congratulations. Do not beat yourself up because it was difficult, because in some ways you regret it and wonder what it might’ve been like, because you came so close to giving in. These facts make your accomplishment more praiseworthy, not less.

Our society talks a lot about the importance of doing the right thing, of following a moral code, of being faithfull & true to yourself, your spouse, your word, your religion, etc. etc.

What we don’t talk nearly enough about it is that sometimes this is difficult, and that it is *precisely *when it is most difficult to do so that is is most *important *to do so, and also most *heroic * to do so. When the temptation is strongest, when you want to give in the most, and when you think you wouldn’t get caught, and you still say no, now that is being faithfull. It’s normal to regret it afterwards, because you really wanted it in the first place, but *now *you’ve got the satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing, and the satisfaction and confidence that you have the strenght to do it. That confidence will help make saying no again next time easier.

It’s like a soldier going into battle for the first time, and finding out that they have the guts not to fold under fire, or, for me, having my first skydiving malfunction, and finding out I handled it OK. I was less afraid of them after, because I knew I could handle it.

In French, there is a proverb, which, loosely translated, states: “When you vanquish without peril, you triumph without glory”

So **Rooves **give yourself your due: you fought and you handled it, you won.

16

That’s what we’re always here for. Booze, strippers, goats, trebuchets, and free advice. :wink: