As is pluto, believe me!
Those of you who read this thread: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=37429 know that Mrs. P. and I were expecting me to be reduced to a quivering mass of male whining following yesterday’s ass-ectomy. Either the predicted aftereffects of the surgery were greatly exaggerated (Mrs. P’s vote) or I really am impervious to pain (my vote).
In fairness I must admit that the actual procedure was modified from the original. The surgeon did less than he said he would. If this is too much information, skip to the next paragraph. You’ve been warned! The original plan was to do a hemorrhoidectomy and maybe a fistulotomy. A fistula is, essentially, a rectal fissure that has healed improperly. Once the surgeon arrived at the, ahem, scene, he determined that the hemorrhoids were minor and the fistula was major. (In presidential-candidate-speak I had a “major-league asshole”.) So he omitted the hemorrhoidectomy, did the fistulotomy. A fistulotomy just converts a fistula back into a fissure (one that will heal properly). And since this is where the whole thing started it’s a “been there, done that” kind of situation as far as pain is concerned.
So there is much less pain than anticipated. At no point did it reach the bite-your-lip-and-beads-of-sweat-on-the-forehead level. And the pain pills (I didn’t know it wasn’t going to hurt!) just made me a little dizzy, equilibrium-wise, not loopy. The only remaining aftereffect is that I’m tender enough that I can’t sit for a long time, but I can manage a half-hour or so already, less that 24 hours afterward. So it looks like it’s back to work on Monday and Mrs. Pluto is relieved of duty.
(Okay, I have to tell you that she was, in fact, sympathetic to a great degree, although she did crack wise now and then.)
I’m sorry if I robbed any of you of a good night’s sleep worrying about my backside. It seems to have been more or less a false alarm. But thanks for your kind attention anyway. Those of you who were planning to send gifts won’t offend me if they send them anyway.
And Scotti, I’ll get onto that Puget Sound Doper get-together on Monday. Now that I’ve got something new to talk about to strangers!
