Damn Anal Fissures!

I could say more, but why bother?

I could bring out cites and perhaps link to some multimedia, but would it clarify anything? I think not. These things are exactly what they’re called, hurt exactly as much as you’d expect, and are detected exactly in the manner you might think.

I could discuss the relative merit of high-fiber diets, and could ruminate on the new-found liabilities of same, but I really don’t think we’d learn anything by the end of the day, other than, “Sometimes you get 'em.”

So, the totality of my message to the cosmos is this:
Damn Anal Fissures!

First off, I hope your doc has checked you out and ensured that you have fissures and not fistulae.

Secondly, in either case, get your butt into a sitz bath!!! Repeatedly!

And good luck. :wink:

Oh, and ask your doc to prescribe some viscous lidocaine to apply to the area in question generously whenever needed.


Never have I seen so many Band Names in such a short thread.

Damn Anal Fissures

[Anal] Fistulae

Viscous Lidocaine

Or a combo name: Viscous Fissures.

I had one. The doc fixed me up just fine. It was the violent anal dialation that got to me. Imagine a bullet shaped stainless steel dialator, 3 inches thick, covered in KY Jelly headed straight for the brown starfish. The doctor said relax, it will go in easier. Despite my worries that butt would forever be a gaping hole, the doctor was right, it did return to it’s normal size. I did let some wierd sounding farts for a few weeks though.

Thank you. Now I have another wonderful mental image to think about. And we have another band name:
Violent Anal Dilation

Huh. And here I thought the “violent anal dilation” part of the story Bob the Anal Fissure might have been fake.

  1. Band name!

  2. Ewwwww!!! :smiley:

Wait wait wait–I’ve got a fissure. What’s this dialator supposed to do–do they leave it in for a whole week? :eek:

Shame on you! groo is obviously suffering here and you show up and start bragging! :stuck_out_tongue:

I thought I had hemorroids last summer so I did some googling and discovered more about assholes than I ever wanted to. Good luck. Just reading about anal fissures made me curl into the fetal position in a corner for an hour.

“The brown starfish.” Snicker. I have a new pet name.

Wow, if ever there was a pit that didn’t need any more words than the title, this was it.

Sorry about your Leather Donut, groo. I’m sure the tar star will be back to it’s normally shitty self in no time.

What luck! I get to share my TMI! I just had surgery for this very condition on the 10th. Internal Lateral Sphincterotomy. BAND NAME

This is how my surgeon described the procedure in my consultation:

  1. Inject the target (approximately 1/2 inch to the side of my bungholio, according to my husband) with numbing stuff. This will assure complete relaxation of the internal sphinter muscle.

  2. Insert very thin scalpel into the site, and turn the blade slowly. This severs some of the muscle fibers, which in turn, aleviates tension on the fissure, allowing it to heal by itself.

  3. Remove scalpel, glue the small incision shut.

All in all, it took them longer to prep me for surgery than the actual procedure. The incision itself is all healed up, but the fissure is still kind of pissy. Probably because he had to cut and suture a “skin tag” at the fissure… mine had ulcerated. Ow.

In my follow-up exam last Friday, I told him that I had been using my Lidazone (hydrocortizone cream with lidocaine). The doc told me that the hydrocortizone is great for reducing the swelling of hemorrhoids (which I thought I had for months) but it slows the healing process. ::dammit!:: So he gave me a script for that lovely viscous lidocaine that our beloved Qadgop mentioned. I highly recommend the sitz bath, too. And stool softeners!!! Keep your poop soft and it won’t hurt as badly. And for og’s sake, make sure you get many fruits and veggies if you have to take prescription pain killers. Constipation and hard poops are bad for fissures, m’kay?

My butt feels a bit better today. Yay!

Obligatory link to hilarious Anal Fissure Bob story

Tears of laughter, man. That was beautiful.

Not quite a band name, but Limp Bizkit have an album called Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavoured Water .

I had my bout, well still sort of bouting, with hemmoroids this year. I finally found a doctor who said they couldnt do anything with surgery, but he suggested I start taking Metamucil reguarly. I am only 34, and always thought fiber suppliments were something you did in your late 50’s!

But I have to say, it has done an amazing job. I still have a few bad days here and there, but nothing…and I mean NOTHING…like it was before Metamucil! Yea, you end up going number 2 more often, sometimes 2-3 times a day, depending on what you eat. But for the most part im still a once a day guy, I lost 7 pounds, and my “sweet ass of fire” feels mucho better. I highly recommend it! IANAD

Just don’t do a Google IMAGE search with the word hemorrhoid. Ug.

I’ll second the Metamucil. That shit will set you free, I’m tellin ya.

It’s like your asshole, instead of being a pastry bag with a really small tip, turns into a trapdoor all of a sudden. It just falls out of your ass.

Hey, whoa, I’m done? I haven’t even found my place in the New Yorker yet!