I didn’t go to my mother’s funeral when I was 20 for similar reasons in the OP. No regrets yet after 30 years.
I’m inclined to agree with the girl’s mother: 90% (or more) of the things I regret most in life are acts of omission, not comission. The girl may never be glad she went to the service, but I think it’s likely she may regret not going, in later years.
Having said that, at fourteen, she’s got the maturity to make up her own mind, and the history is such that she’s got good, and valid, reasons for not wanting to go. She’s been given advice that I think may be good, but if she’s made up her mind, that’s her choice.
Leave her be to make her choice.
Does the “real family” know about this girl? If they do, and if they extended the invitation, that is one thing. If they don’t know about her and mom is wanting to drag her along to make some sort of comment, that is something else.
Still, I don’t think that the girl should have to attend, but it is also possible that mom wants her along for emotional support. Sometimes parents are looking out for themselves.
What we think doesn’t matter. She’s old enough to make her own decisions. In 10 or 20 years she may think it was a good decision or a bad decision, but it’s her decision to own.
She can decide this for herself so, no, she should not go.
There are three reasons to go to a funeral:
- To say goodbye to someone
- To obtain closure or acceptance of a person’s death
- To support and comfort other attendees: i.e., not going so much because of the person who died, but because you love or respect the deceased’s family/friends and wish to be there for them in their time of need.
None of these reasons apply to this girl. It would be like going to funeral for a stranger, where all the attendees are strangers.
If she does end up regretting not going later on, she can say that’s the one good thing her father ever did for her: events at the time of his death taught her that our choices have consequences that we have to live with.
Funerals are mostly for the living. If there isn’t going to be anyone there that she wishes to comfort or show support to, then there’s little reason for her to go.
Another vote for leaving the decision to her.
As the OP, one new thing I have learned, that I was misinformed about, is that the other three children(I’m counting the one not yet born) aren’t all of the same mom either. #3 and #3-1/2 have the same mom, the guy’s wife(they’ve been married less than a year, so #3 was born before the marriage.
But #1, a son, is older than the teenager(#2), so he had a different mom. So the “staunch family man” has had kids with three different moms. So it’s not quite the “me and them” thing I’d thought it was.
Still, I find myself in agreement with the majority of posters here, she should make her own decision as to whether or not to go.
Just out of curiosity - would anyone say that the girl should be compelled to go, assuming she didn’t want to, if the funeral was for a father that she had lived with and had raised her for fourteen years?
I think it would be the polite thing for her to go to the funeral. This is not a total stranger, this is a man that she saw on rare occasions, and who is also her biological father. It doesn’t sound like she hates him or has strong feelings about him one way or the other. If she hated him then that would be different. She can stay discreetly in the back if she wants to.
I wouldn’t force her to go but I would encourage her to go.
By the way, is her mother going to the memorial service?
Would I? Absolutely not.
People who need funerals are convinced that everyone needs them. Some of us don’t.
I think she *might * regret it but she should be allowed to decide for herself. Another option would be for her to visit the chapel before the memorial starts. She can be alone with her thoughts, whatever they might be, as a means of closure. Her mom might want to call the other family and ask if they’d let her spend some time alone.
up to her. i can see her mum’s point, but it is the daughter’s decision.
i can understand that a fallen hero funeral would not work well for someone who doesn’t see him that way.
perhaps she would want to do something at a more private time, grave visit, memorial visit, whatever… but a very public event? i can see why she doesn’t want to go.
I don’t agree at all that merely showing up for your biological father’s funeral would be disrespectful of the father’s other family. That is what you’re saying isn’t it? If she’s family and she needs to grieve, she goes. We’re way past the “legitimacy” issues with childbirth in this country.
I don’t think she owes the other family anything, although she would be out of line to show up and make a big stink.
That and a father is someone who raises a child. As described, the deceased man was not her father.
Yet another vote for the girl. Her mother owes no one an explanation nor should one be offered if asked.
I don’t know if there’s going to be a visitation at whatever funeral home is handling this service, but the service itself will be in a big auditorium, not a small chapel. Many hundreds are expected to attend, as the deceased was a firefighter who died on the job. So lots of visiting fire departments too. Getting the guy “alone” so to speak, might be difficult at this point.
Well hell! I hate to get lost in the multitudes, but no, she has no duty to go.
The decision is her’s alone. I think she’s pretty brave for standing up for herself.
The guy gets no special consideration for being a firefighter in my opinion. If he were a janitor, and stood by his daughter, I’d have more respect for the guy.
Peace
mangeorge