My 15 Year-Old Daughter Just Told Me She's BiSexual -HELP!

In My Humble Opinion
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To engineering? It could have, since what I was interested in was Draftsmanship. Trade School had two “levels”: FP1 was the lower, generally involving 2 grades, and some paths had an FP2 which took 3. While the usual path to college was from what I usually call “college-track HS” in these boards, you could go from FP2 to college. Several of my engineer brother’s classmates (MechE) were Mechanics FP2 or Draftsmen FP2.

Betcherassitwas! In Spain you can’t choose the university and then later the major, you have to ask for the major directly. My own school was only available for ChemE, ChemE or ChemE. In fact, it was the only school where you could study Chemical Engineering in the country between 1954 (when our curriculum for that degree was officially approved) and 1992 (when a bunch of newly-created schools copied the curriculum we were about to discard).

Mentions of Industrial Engineering had met with “oh, I don’t know, that’s really difficult” (Dad had started Engineering at his mother’s urging and abandoned it, he hadn’t really been interested - he was good at numbers but Accounting ones, not Engineering ones). But Chemistry was the one subject where I got A’s in my sleep, with the flu and while helping my brothers cram their verbs, so Chemical Engineering was acceptable.

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Beyond the nitpick that a semicolon would have been more felicitous than a comma, I feel an urge to observe that your comment has two possible meanings. Would it be problematic in this thread for you to be more direct about the one you intend?

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Noted. Apologies for posting without reading to the end of the thread.

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This thread inspired me to talk about my Daughters preferences. I talked to her this morning since she hasn’t brought it up and I wasn’t sure what the circumstances would be when she did. I figured a nice quiet morning before heading to school, that way It would just be me and her.

A little background. My wife had Sepsis and a Stroke October 2016. She is still able to walk and do things on her own. She does have Aphasia and some Cognitive problems with some short term memory loss.

So, I wanted to talk to my Daughter alone. Then I can ease Mom into the conversation.

We started by talking about her friends, I eased the conversation into what types they are into. I told her it shouldn’t matter who you like or even Love. She said she was the same way. So, then I ask. “What type of person you are into? Really listen here… I will love you unconditionally.” She said that she was Bi. I said thats cool , do you have a certain person you would like to take to a movie ? She said not now.

The conversation kind of ended there. She finished getting ready for school. Then she came back and asked if I had ever heard of Demi-Sex? I had never heard of that, so I told her no. Tell me about it.

She told me it is when you are around someone and the more you are around you start developing feelings for this person. Boy or Girl.

I said that sounded a lot like a friendship turning into infatuation. I told she could be Heartbroken if the person that you’ve developed a strong relationship with rejects the advance. The friendship would most likely end as well, or at least be awkward. But, I understand you love who you love.

I still have not looked anything up on Demi-Sex. I just hope that whoever she starts liking that becomes whoever she starts dating, is a good person.

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I just wanted to come in and say that now that we’re over the first hurdle, I’d talk to her and tell her that even though she can’t get pregnant with other girls she can get STDs still and she should use protection. This is something I’ve seen fly under the radar as knowledge because STD transmission is so heavily focused on men, so I wanted to put it out there. “Wrap it before you tap it” is true of any sexual contact with a new partner regardless of gender. I’m sure you don’t want to think about it or “encourage sex” but even just a basic cursory heads-up about it and that there’s lots of information on the planned parenthood website would help. Unplanned pregnancy is awful but so is plenty of other stuff, like herpes.

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Well I knew lots of them. No, maybe they didnt come out and call themselves “bi” but they did say maybe they had a friend where they wanted maybe to take the friendship to a higher level or they find other womens bodies to be attractive.

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I think that is a good point in that a young person can get messed with by either sex and frankly, throwing being “bi” into it can often make it worse.

I mean think about how young women often have these tight cliques where maybe 1 or 2 dominant girls run things and you might have a couple of girls desperate for acceptance into the clique. If you toss in a sexual component it can become even more difficult if things dont work out.

Good luck with your daughter.

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Thanks, she is such a good kid and she is the protector of her friends. I’d hate to see her pushed out of the group of friends.

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Good for you!!! I imagine that before the conversation, your daughter already knew the above. Also expect that it was deeply comforting to be explicitly clear.

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More specifically, demi-sexual is more like you aren’t interested in sex with someone until you have a connection with them. Think more like you become interested in someone romantically then sexual attraction happens.

There are a lot of labels to navigate these days. It can be really confusing to try to figure out.

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I’ve been reading this board for a long time, and considered signing up before, but I’m a bit embarrassed this is what finally nudged me into taking the plunge.

Immediate disclaimer: I haven’t read all the replies in this thread so I may be repeating something someone else has said. Sorry.

I thought I’d try to provide the young person perspective here (I’m 23, I can still clearly remember being 15).

It can be somewhat damaging when a teen says “I think I identify as…” and a parent doubts them because they’re ‘too young to know for sure.’ Changing one’s mind does happen a lot at that age, but equally as often it doesn’t. I knew my preferences from a young age (elementary school) and I’ve never wavered on it. I haven’t decided on a label, but that’s because such things aren’t always easily defined. I can say for sure that I, a girl, like other girls, and it didn’t take any soul-searching to reach that conclusion because, honestly, it felt pretty obvious to me.

But back to your daughter. The thing is, when you’re a teen, you get doubted a lot. I often felt like nobody would take seriously anything I said. When I got upset, my grandmother liked to blame ‘hormones’ or ‘PMS’ instead of acknowledging that I had any legitimate reason to be upset. (As if PMS isn’t a legitimate reason to be upset…:confused:) The experience of being a teenager is akin to being subtly gaslighted by the entire universe. If that sounds melodramatic, well… adolescence is like that. Looking back from the hardships of adulthood, it all seems so trivial, but at the time it was an intense and harrowing ordeal.

I’ll cut to the chase. You can’t be sure whether your daughter really means it when she says she’s bisexual. That shouldn’t matter; you should do your best to at least act like you believe her. An important declaration like “I’m gay” or “I’m bi” — if a parent responds with skepticism, it’s hurtful. Teens want their parents to believe them, to trust them. Disbelief feels like a lack of trust, a lack of faith. So trust in your daughter’s ability to think and decide for herself. That’s a crucial part of being supportive.

By the way: liking boys is one half of being bisexual. It’s possible to have a preference for one and still like both. Her previous fixation on the opposite sex is not in any way evidence of your daughter being straight. As for the environment that she’s in, there may be a causal relation there, but it might not be what you think. A liberal, open-minded environment is going to expose your daughter to new ideas. It is natural to consider trying out those new ideas for oneself, to see if they suit you. If you’re afraid of your daughter encountering diverse perspectives, then you aren’t trusting her. If you’ve raised her well, then her own moral compass should be all she needs to navigate this uncharted territory.

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Hell, it was confusing when I was an adolescent at a time when homosexuality was still the love that shall not speak its name and two old maids living together were just sharing the rent. All I had to worry about was not pissing in my pants when I was trying to ask a girl out on a date, yet I put things off to the point of losing my virginity a lot later than usual. After looking up the label I suppose demisexual would fit. I’ve had a connection – sometimes for years – with all of my lovers before engaging in sexual activities with them; I once remarked that without other points of interest, sex is just masturbating with a partner and is unappealing to me. This does lead to an intermittent love life.

JustBree’s advice to at least pretend your teen’s declarations are true even if you’re doubtful is vital. You are the beacon on the shore as they navigate the treacherous shoals and currents of their sexuality in waters far more complicated than even a few years ago.

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On the other hand, more than half of my female friends were bi through college, including myself. Two were lesbians. One still is, one is married to a man. The vast majority of them live monogamous lives with their husbands, where if they are still bi it doesn’t really make any difference. (If I need to check a box, I’d identify as bi, but since I’m one of those monogamously married for 20+ years to a guy people, it really isn’t pertinent to my current life - and I let people IRL assume I’m straight - including, in a fashion that is endlessly amusing to me, a bi-activist friend who feels the need to bi-splain everything all the time speaking ex cathedra as “the bi person.”)

And I’ve seen it with my daughters friends. In middle school many of them did not identify as heterosexual. In part because their middle school group included two girls who are lesbians (and aren’t likely at all to change) and there was some solidarity there. Most of them - with the exception of those two and my daughter, seem to be far over to the hetero side of the scale right now - dating boys and being boy crazy (they are all Seniors in high school). They might be bi - but all their patterns of behavior suggest that they aren’t fluid in this moment in time.

My own daughter started as bi, became a lesbian and now identifies as asexual as she realized that she really was struggling to have feelings in that manner for anyone and those previous labels weren’t accurate…and has for a few years. That may yet change again, or it may not.

One of my girlfriends daughters had to come out to her parents after college. “Mom and Dad, I think I might actually be straight.” She’d been pretty Pan for a long time before deciding that she actually did like guys and the girl and non-binary thing was sort of forced (on her part, no one else was forcing - she just wanted to be open minded). (Her father did the appropriate thing, which was to throw up his hands and say “what did we do wrong” while her mother collapsed in fake tears.)

I don’t have any idea what the outcome for the OPs daughter will be … but the real point is that it really doesn’t make a difference. She sounds like a lovely young woman. All my friends are lovely people. My daughter and her friends are lovely people (well, a few of them became teenage bitches, but that isn’t related to their sexuality and is probably fluid itself).

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Okay, first of all how can she be bi-sexual if it doesn’t have anything to do with sex? She’s a virgin and has not even been with a boy … with a girl you don’t know yet, right?

At 15 she’s not even sure of being left or right politically much less sensually. She is still in the experimental stage so to speak. Your lucky she even said anything and I’m glad you shared this with SD. Yes we are strangers, but you never know which one is a qualified therapist that help you in your time of need. Keep posting and keep us informed … I am interested in the end result … sort of like a soap opera, uh?

I am a Christian, but aren’t Catholic’s suppose to ask priest for answers? Don’t trust them either lol.

good luck, be honest, do some research, hire a good looking quarterback to date your daughter … see why you shouldn’t trust strangers. :smack:

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So are you saying that until you first had sex with a female you were not heterosexual?

Classy as ever.

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Heeheehee - this is great parenting, I like your friends!

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Neither on everything, nor as the sole source. And who is the “them” who shouldn’t be trusted, priests or Catholics?

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Like all great parents all of their children (three) are various forms of screwed up, but they have a sense of humor about it, support them, and hope for their futures.

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I think sexuality is kind of a sliding scale; many people have the potential for a little, some, or a lot of experimentation. I am pretty much a heterosexual woman, but I have slept with a few women in my life. The individual experiences were wonderful, but I don’t think I would fall “in love” with a woman, and eventually it was something I wasn’t inclined to repeat.

Honestly, I don’t think you need to do much beyond accepting her and her choices. There is no need to panic or fret too much. Try to be easygoing about it and remember that whatever her sexual choices are, a large percentage of people fall in love, settle down and are happy. Chances are excellent that she will too, and that’s a good thing. (not that having an SO is required for happiness, but you know what I mean.)

This last part may not be too popular of a thing to say; but in my own direct personal experience, the bisexual people I have met have been people who are more resistant to limiting their available choices, and hence have not been the ideal prospects to fall in love with. I say this not about her, but as something to consider perhaps if choosing from among other pansexual folks. YMMV

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That’s a really nice first post.

Welcome.