My 18 yo wants to move out. Yes or no?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Another voice of dissent here.

I think he should stay at home until he graduates high school. I know he’s 18 and you can’t legally stop him, but that’s my two cents.

Then, after graduation, hug him and wish him well.

Upon preview, I agree with Q.N., who is my Best Friend Forever and has cool Hello Kitty stuff. Your boy is not in the same place as these other kids, since he’s still in high school. Let him get through that, then he can go out on his own.

Oh, and don’t pay any of his rent and utilities while he’s out. Living on your own means being able to support yourself too. Why should you pay money for his rent, when he can live at home for free (or the cost of a few chores, at least?)

22

I got the impression that she was only going to pay the bills she paid currently, like car insurance.

I think it’s great! If it doesn’t work, he’ll come home. Whether or not he graduates from high school is something you can’t really control. Say that to yourself, and take a stiff drink, and trust him. Sounds like he’s earned it.

23

I agree with Ivylass and Q.N. Jones.

He’s a senior in highschool, and the year is more than half over. He’ll be (presumably) graduating in just a few months, then choosing and moving to college (again, presumably), just a few months after that. Why pack up and move twice in one year? Why pack up and move a few months from graduation, when “senioritis” hits all but the most dedicated student? More importantly, unless you’re independently wealthy, why spend even the money for the phone bill if he doesn’t have to? He’ll probably be buying more of his own food if he lives there as well. I’m of the opinion that the more money a kid has saved up going into college, the better off he is. Additionally, he might decide that, “Hey, these guys aren’t going to college and they’re doing alright…” and I don’t think that’s a good thing.

For a little perspective: I’m nearly 21. I went to IU for three semesters, right out of highschool, and lived in a dorm. It was great and I loved the freedom. I decided to change majors (from music, incidentally), and could no longer justify the out-of-state tuition. So, I moved back home to go to the local community college. I went from going into debt through student loans (though I was working, I wasn’t breaking even with how much tuition was) to going to school while working a part-time job and living at home and actually earning money to put away to save (obviously a large part is made of my parents’ contributions, but I’m also costing them less than I did in highschool (since I do have a job and pay for a lot more things than I did then). This summer or fall, I will once again move out and go back to a 4-year University.

I guess all that boils down to: “Why?” Do the benefits really outweigh the “risks”? He’ll be moving out soon enough anyway, and is the extra financial outlay really justified?

P.S. My cousin is going to Indiana State for Law Enforcement.

24

Good points all around, of course.
Here’s my take on it so far…
He only has about three months of school left. Given his schedule, I can see the whole process taking that long before he actually packs up and moves. On the other hand, he won’t be taking much, so he could get on the ball and get moved more quickly, I suppose.
School is a concern, but not as much as it might be. Keeping up his work has always been his sole responsibility, and as much as I’d like to think I could somehow MAKE him do better in school, it comes down to his willingness and dedication. He is on track to graduate, and has two academic classes (English and Econ) aside from three or four music classes. He aces the music classes and is passing the other two, so I don’t think there will be problems in the short time he has left.
College-wise, I believe he’ll be going to college here in Bloomington, so this move will probably be THE move. Assuming he goes to college, of course…he’s still up in the air, but appears to understand that going now would be preferable to putting it off for a year or two.
As far as the money goes, he has to pay the basic phone bill, and that’s it. The house actually belongs to the father of one of the kids, and the kids who live there split the utilities and that’s it. Sweet. I’m tempted to go live there myself. :slight_smile:
I do worry about the whole party central aspect of it, but I’ve checked with the neighbors (friends of mine) and no one has reported much partying. I occasionally go through there late at night (when I’d expect a lot of activity) and I don’t see much happening. Just seems to be a few kids who play video games, watch tv, work, and are preparing for school. In the fall, it sounds like all of them will be attending college, which I think would actually help my son get his own act in gear.
If he does move, I’ll keep close contact with his school, and yank the chain the instant I see problems with attendance or grades. The house is maybe five minutes from where we live now, and I imagine that one instance of Momma yanking his skinny butt out of bed in front of The Guys would just about set things straight if it became a problem.

25

Obviously, you have to use your own judgment about the situation. It sounds like you’re considering the right things and doing your “due diligence” obligations as a mom. I hope whatever you decide works out well for you and your son.

I have read your posts on this board and I just want to say, I think you sound like an excellent mom. I’m sure you will make a good choice. :slight_smile:

26

Assuming you mean he’ll be going to IUB, he’s required to live on-campus his first year, unless he’s living with a parent or legal guardian.

27

No, he’s looking at Ivy Tech here in Bloomington. No four year colleges for this guy! (Not yet, anyway…who knows what a bit of real grownup life will do.)

I have to say, as an 18 year old, I would have absolutely NOT gone to any college that required me to live on campus. That’s just annoying.

28

I moved thousand of miles away when I was 18, despite having a wonderful home life. It was hard on my parents and hard on me, but it was just what I had to do at the time (Still living thousands of miles away, actually. Visiting home this spring, yay!). Be happy that it’s just to another house in your neighborhood!
Really, you’ll both be fine. Let him spread his wings.

29

I haven’t read all the responses to see if I’m repeating someone else, but my response would be no so long as school is in session. Come June, when he has a diploma in hand, I’d help him load the car.

The open door and meal/laundry would be assumed, too.

The point is that if he’s trying to go out on his own, he doesn’t need the distraction of school to get in the way.

This, coming from the guy who left his kid with the in-laws so he could stay at his old high school instead of moving to the east coast.

30

Ain’t [some] parents great? :mad: :rolleyes:

Last semester of High School, close to home, cheap living…it sounds like a good experience to me, as long as his friends are terminal stoners or are distracting him from his school work. Just make it clear to him that he’s free to come back, and that he needs to keep his priorities in line.

It certainly beats moving out at 16 and living in a rat-infested, barred-window shithole in the middle of a drug-saturated ghetto. But, that’s just my personal experience.

Stranger

31

The summer after my first year in the dorms, I lived in an apartment. I was 18. I learned a lot from the experience. I went to work every morning, never missed a night school class and ate real meals almost all of the time. I learned that there were certain types of people I could never live with (paticularly people with short tempers or victim complexes, ie my ex-roommate). In a few short months, I’ll be moving across the country from my parents and I’ll be just shy of 20. We all grow up differently, so faster than other.

32

A music “major” in high school? Hmm…we never had “majors” in high school, I guess things have changed big time. Whatever.

Sounds like everyone agrees with the moving, and I do as well.

My only addition is to give him a graceful “out”…in other words, keep his room the way it is for awhile, and let him know “if you ever need to come here and do some studying in peace, you are always welcome.” This way, in case the roomates are a little rowdier than he realized or he is not loving the move, he doesn’t have to feel like he is coming home in defeat and can always say he just wants some quiet to finish his homework or whatever. Just a suggestion in keeping that door open to all possibilities.

(However, do NOT show up at that house unannounced with cupcakes and clean underwear!!!)

33

I would encourage it if I were you.

Actually, I think our higher-level education system would be a lot better if we would all take about a year or two off before going to college to be away from the parents while not having to deal with the responsibility of education.

Also, its just highschool. For most kids its not that hard. A lot of it depends on when he wants to go to college. I assume that he wants to go after this summer. If his grades slip a little, but he has no plans to get into an ultra-competitive college, then what does it matter?

Oh yeah, he’ll be back for food. That’s a given, especially if you are living in the same town (I gather that is true). I am 23 and I still can’t feed myself properly. If my parents lived in the same town as me, I’d eat supper at my parents house almost every night. Clothes aren’t a problem. I’ve got that covered by now :wink:

Again, a lot of it depends on how rebellious he is too, and how much he feels confined. A lot of parents are really protective, and thus, when their kids get the freedom of college, they go nuts. My parents were not so protective, so college wasn’t so crazy, but of course my town wasn’t really fun either, so I kind of went crazy (in a responsible way, if that makes sense :slight_smile: )

But really, I wish things were set up to where people would take a year or two off to work a while and simply get used to living by their own rules before starting college. Basically it should be as fun as college, but with no studying, but rather working. Too many kids jump straight into a high-pressure career path right after college, and basically miss out on a very good chance at adding to life experiences and building character. Social skills take practice, and you can really build on them a lot by having lots of freedom to just hang out and do whatever with minimal restraints (outside of a job, or course).

But yeah, I think its a great idea, and if I were you, I would encourage him to not rush into college. He’ll really appreciate you and respect you too, I think. I have a lot of respect for my parents, because they appreciate how I’ve grown through times like these, even though they offered some support.

If he screws up, he’s young. As long as there’s no legal troubles then I think it will probably be okay.

34

Hmm, can’t contribute anything that hasn’t been said already, and probably much more eloquently anyway, except to say that I have come to appreciate **Ivylass’s ** advice, and QN, whom I don’t know well, also makes a lot of sense, but then again, so do you, Bodypoet. (All these great parents; the dope is a great source of tips & wisdom)

Bottom line, only the fact that he only has 3 more months of school left, and that you’ve done your homework and confirmed that his new roomies are not party/stoner central, would let me edge slightly in favour of letting him go. It can be a very eye-opening experience, and this would give him a very safe way of trying our his new wings, with a good net below, before he goes away to college. But the lure of a working lifestyle is very powerfull for young men contemplating furhter studies; be careful…

BTW, if he does come home with laundry, show him how, and where the detergent is, and let’im at it. He does have to learn. Same for home-cooking. He should at least cut veggies and stay in the kitchen as you cook, so he can learn. It’s time.

35

If he’s 18 it’s long past time that he should be able to do these things for himself. :smiley:

I don’t mean to hijack, and maybe this should be a new thread, but I wonder how many people left home and went to work or school without these kinds of basic skills (laundry, basic cooking and provisioning, money mangagement and bill paying, basic home repair, et cetera.) I’m just continually astonished by twenty-somethings who can’t cook and don’t know how to fix a broken door knob.

Stranger

36

Its not that we can’t cook, its just that we cookthings that are really quick and cheap. I can cook a lot of really nice meals, but really, I just don’t care for it. I don’t feel like sitting around cooking for an hour for myself when I could be doing something else. I don’t care about how special it is when its just for me.

The best way, I think is to get a group of friends together and sort of have an improptu group that cooks for the others every now and then. It tends to snowball. But not with roomates. Then you involve the whole “Do we share groceries or not” argument which almost always leads to problems. Its better if you have a group of other friends. I used to do it with a couple of friends, and around dinner time, either I’d call, or they’d call and we’d discuss what we had to cook and what we could cook. Its nice because you don’t have to cook all the time and you can get other people’s food too. But it won’t work well if its a sort of formalized thing. You all have about the same cooking skill and desire to cook. But if you get in the habbit it usually works out very well. But it can’t be a “Robert Cooks Monday, Thursday, and Saturday” deal because people have plans that pop up, etc. But when I’m by myself? I’ll just cook some pasta or something really easy and I’ll enjoy my mom’s good meals when I go home. She seems to appreciate the fact that I enjoy it too.

37

Well, I’m talking about people who can’t (as in boil a pot of water) cook. I find it incredible, given that it’s a level of skill that could be acquired by a five year old, but seemingly many can’t handle anything that doesn’t go in the microwaver.

When I’m on my lonesome, which (cue violin) is most of the time, I go the quick and easy route, too. But I think by the time I was eight or nine I could cook a basic breakfast, make a grilled cheese sandwich, brew some tea, or make pasta. Those seem like fundamental skills to me.

Stranger

38

One thing I haven’t seen picked up is that this young man will be chauffeurring (sp) a younger sibling to school every day. This means he’s going to be on a very short leash. This is good. That said, I still think he’d be better off staying at home until he finishes school, for the reasons others have eloquently stated. I suggest that it is then that he can move out - for the summer holiday - and then college will come.

bodypoet, I strongly suggest you present this as an alternative, but let him make the choice.

39

God, the Indian parents I know get upset if their kid making roughly 80-100k per year moves out of the house prior to getting married. I remember in the boom years when I had graduated college and was making a swank boom years salary and I moved back to Boston and was like “oh, I should start looking around for apartments” and my parents acted like I was stabbing them in the liver, gall bladder, spleen for not living at home on their bill. I ended up living with them…ended up paying for about a 1/3rd of lawschool straight out of pocket b/c of it. Man, do I owe them.

40

I’m another in favor of keeping him home until school is over in June. No need to rock the boat this close to graduation.
What is more, I wouldn’t give him any support other than a shoulder to cry upon if he decides to move out and not go to school. I watched my brother sponge off my mother for years, moving in and out of the house, borrowing money time and again, not really getting anywhere for about 10 years. It was only after he met his wife that he showed any indication to take care of business.

That said, giving the kid some help is a given. $10-20 here and there is a nice touch and giving him the address to a homeless shelter if things get truly bad would be heartless. But paying for cars, insurance, bills, or rent will only serve to keep him in that teenager mentality. Keep him till school ends and let him move out with your blessing, but also let him figure out how to support himself.

CJ