Hello, folks!
Not sure quite where to start, but…
My 22-year-old daughter has mild Asperger’s. It wasn’t diagnosed until in her mid-teens, so we were behind the curve on treatment options, etc. Much water had passed under the bridge, including I’m sure many parental mistakes made because we didn’t know about her condition.
Now, she seems permanently stuck at around 13 years old. She says she wants to learn to drive, but makes no efforts to ask us to take her (she does have her learner’s permit, though, and took driver’s ed in high school). She doesn’t go to school and is on a limited number of meds. She helps around the house as a means of paying “rent,” so-to-speak, but it’s mostly so she develops some good life habits. Unfortunately, she doesn’t do anything without a reminder. She has a Samsung MP3 player with a calendar that chirps the times when she needs to do things, but although that worked well for a few weeks, she seems to mostly ignore it these days.
Does anyone else out there have a midly-Asperger’s child? Are you having any success with getting them to progress? Have you been able to get any outside help, or did you need any? What ages are they?
Just a million questions, and I’m trying desperately to understand why she’s “stuck” at 13.
She doesn’t sound unemployable. Why not a job? Earning her own money, managing it, working with others, etc. could be really good for her if you can help her find something appropriate.
A class or two at your local community college may be worth looking into as well, and they may have programs to help her find a part-time job or work on a degree or certificate.
If she’s not in school and she’s not employed, and, as you say, she’s “stuck” at 13, is it possible that she is more disabled than your “mild” qualifier suggests?
Why do you think she’s mildly disabled versus moderately disabled?
It’s not at all common, but some people with Asperger’s deteriorate as they get older. Some of it seems to be neurological, while for others it’s more psychological/psychiatric. The structured environment of childhood (special classes, therapists, social groups, etc.) is no longer around in adulthood, and people have a hard time finding their place.
It also sounds like she may be depressed. This is very common in people with Asperger’s, because they see people doing things they should be doing and can’t. 
How did she do in high school? Did she require special education or resource classes? Did she have IQ testing, or a diagnosis that qualifies her for ongoing supports?
Depending on her diagnosis, she may be eligible for community supports/resources or Vocational Rehabilitation to help prepare her for work.
If you have a local Autism Society group, they can point you in the direction of opportunities and resources for people on the spectrum.
When I was a child, I was only interested in things like chess and reading.
I didn’t do well with any social interactions and felt wary about being with a lot of people (e.g. at a party.)
Later I got a job as a computer programmer, played computer games with relish and became an internationally rated chess player.
Finally I had a very successful career in teaching (first programming then chess.)
Whenever there was a clear structure and precise rules, I did very well.
(I still didn’t know what to do at parties.)
When I was 55, I read an article on Asperger’s Syndrome and asked my doctor if I had it. He asked a lot of questions, then commented that:
- yes, I probably had it
- there was no need to do anything, since I had ‘found my place’ in society (I owned a house, had a small number of close friends and had been independent since my late teens.)
From the little I’ve learnt, Asperger’s is normally associated with ‘high-end’ autism (e.g. my chess ability.)
Are you sure your daughter has this Syndrome?
P.S. My parents had no idea about any of this - there was little or no discussion of autism in the 1950’s.
I am incredibly grateful to them for coping with me.
It was right around that age when I really had a fire lit under my butt just due to boredom and wanting to live life basically.
BTW who the hell wants a car anyway? You’ll have to make payments monthly, gas and insurance(it is shocking what insurance costs for a 22 year old!) comes out so high I knew some young people working two damn jobs to basically pay for their social life support vehicle. Not needing this I logically decided a car was too expensive 
Thanks for the posts.
Yes, she’s been professionally diagnosed with Asperger’s.
Someone asked about a job. She had one - at Wal-Mart. She lost that job because she frankly, couldn’t move fast enough for them. She processes pretty slowly, but is meticulous. Her area of the store (fabrics and crafts) was immaculate, but she put in way more hours than they allowed her. We probably made a mistake not revealing her disability when she applied for the job, and now that she was let go from Wal-Mart, she’s essentially unemployable as best as I can tell. Not only is the economy poor, but if an employer finds out she’s 22, and couldn’t hold a job at Wal-Mart, they lose interest immediately. Not sure I blame them.
I’d love for her to get back to school, but nothing specifically interests her - at least not enough for her to achieve towards a long-term goal, like graduation. High school was miserable. She only cares about immediate gratification activities, so homework or other tasks aren’t important because there is no gratification to be had and no ability to “connect” with future gratification, like graduation.
It’s possible that she’s depressed. She sometimes exhibits the signs. Right now, we’re tapering her off of Intunive, the only script she’s on, so we can work with her doctor to establish a new, non-medicated “baseline,” and see what adjustments we need to make.
Why do you say “My Asperger’s Daughter”? Why not “My autistic daughter” or “My daughter with Asperger’s syndrome”?
Would you say “My cancer daughter” or “my alopecia daughter”? Weird.
Short subject line character count?
I have a child on the autism spectrum.
DirkGntly, you’ve probably been down this road, but are there local or state services or programs that can help with jobs or a group home?
Like with anything, turn the *perceived *disadvantage into a stength. Need to find a position where meticulousness is prized. There may be some banking work or bookkeeping type things where ALL the i’s have to be dotted and t’s crossed. Not sure if your daughter would do that.
I can’t find it with a simple search but remember reading a fascinating article IIRC on a small company in Sweden that employed people on the autism spectrum to do some precise jobs such as checking 900 different mobile phone functions.
Trust me, Walmart ain’t for everyone and I’d call it a badge of honor for doing the job there too well. 
Asperger’s used to be a separate category. It was lumped into the autism spectrum about a year ago. Lot’s of people prefer aspergers or even aspie.
Neuro typical is also a term that is often used instead of “normal”.
YMMV.
I’m sure people have been fired from Walmart and gone on to find other employment. It sounds like that job wasn’t the right fit for her, but don’t give up on the idea of finding something that is.
College classes don’t have to lead to a degree to be worthwhile. There may be vocational certificates she doesn’t even know about that could lead to a career she would be good at and enjoy. With nothing on the horizon to work towards, living in the moment may feel like her only option. Even if the goal is completing the required number of projects to pass a pottery class, reaching it may give her enough confidence and motivation to move forward to something else.
Ok forget that I mentioned autism. I am saying why the phrasing “My Asperger’s Daugher” and not “My Daughter With Asperger’s Syndrome” or even “My Daughter The Aspie”?
My childhood friend with Asperger’s recently went to several months worth of classes geared at getting young adults on the autism spectrum to work on the ‘people’ and interview skills that are so important in getting hired. She found it very helpful and she made several friends while in the program. That kind of thing could be great for your daughter. It’s good for her to see, too, that there are other people out there who struggle with the same things she does.
Generally, for young people with Asperger’s it seems to be very important for their parents to gently push them out into the world to meet new people, experience new things, and begin to become motivated towards long-term goals and independence. It also will help all of you if you can develop a support system outside of just the family. Sitting in your house all day doing nothing is very, very bad - that can’t be an option any more. Volunteering is my first idea. She might not be happy but if you don’t make her change, she probably will not on her own for a long time and that will hold her back from experiencing a successful and independent adulthood.
My friend is 29 now, and while still socially ‘off’ (but getting better every time I see her!), very immature for her age (I’d say she’s approaching about an 18-19-year-old level of interests these days - she just had her first romance at 26-28) and living with her parents - in the last 6 years she has graduated with a good GPA for her BS (lived in the dorms for part of it), owns her own car, and has been working full time as a nursing home dining hall aid, since she finished college. Unfortunately she is having real trouble getting hired for a job in her field, which she would really like to work and establish a career in. Times are hard.
I really think she is going to make it out on her own soon. She has just needed more time and help than the average young adult, but she’s made steady progress. I hope your daughter will too!
Not trying to be discouraging but I would like to inject a little reality, which is that employment for those with Aspergers is not high.
I’m only pointing this out to make sure the OP gets a realistic impression, and yes moving out and becoming independent in the mid to late twenties is common. This condition often gets dismissed as laziness or sponging, with people encouraging parents to take drastic action like throwing their kids out etc.
If 80% do not have “full-time” work, that means 20% do, and it makes no mention of part-time work, so I don’t think it’s as bleak as you say. While working full-time may be a reasonable goal, a part-time job would be more appropriate at this point. Even volunteer work or an unpaid internship would be a step forward.
If she takes a long time to do things but is very thorough, look for something that doesn’t pay by the hour. Perhaps she could assist a small business owner with auto-detailing or housecleaning and get paid by the job, for example.
I’m not quite sure why you’re so on about this - it was just shorthand.
Yep - she’s good at housecleaning, and has had a few one-off jobs, one of which is a repeat.
I appreciate the input from everyone on volunteering. I’ll look into that more deeply. FWIW, we did apply with the state to see if she qualified for some job skills training and other services, but haven’t heard back yet.
If she’s good at housecleaning, she could work at a hotel or hospital, or for a janitorial service. It’s an honest paycheck. 