My cats are driving me insane.

*(>>cue Twilight Zone theme music here<<) *

Three cats, sitting on the floor of my office.

Three ordinary cats. Staring intently at the same spot of nothing on my office floor.

Poking and patting the same spot of nothing with their paws.

There is nothing visible.

They’re just trying to open the portal to CatSpace. Sometimes it sticks with the humidity.

(CatSpace in my house is under the waterbed. You can watch the cat climb under the bed, but you look and there are no cats to be found. They come back after they’ve saved the planet, or it’s naptime, or you rattle the treat jar. Whatever.)

Obviously, an opening into the Wild Road exists in your office. Watch for other cats to come out of that spot.

Please, no more cats. I already have 8, and they have their own apartment, which also contains my office. I can’t have any more - mine would be really pissed off.

I think the cats are experimenting on you. It’s the only logical explanation.

I thought I could rewrite this to accommodate three distinct kitty personalities, but that’s just too much of a challenge right now. (Hey, one out of three ain’t bad!)
“The Kitty”

Once upon a midday bleary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of commercial lore –
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a "thud"ding,
As of some cat gently padding, padding past my office door.
“‘Tis some old furball,’ I muttered, 'padding past my office door –
Only this and nothing more.”

[skip a stanza]

And the soothing sweet besotted purring of this well-fed kitty
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I sat repeating:
“'Tis some moocher entreating cat treats at my office door –
Some mock-starved eater entreating cat treats at my office door–
This it is and nothing more.”

[skip a few more here]

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a mew and mutter,
In there stepped a stoutly kitty who of all diets did deplore.
Not the least exercise made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he,
But, with mien of lord or lady, flopped inside my office door–
Flopped upon an IKEA floor rug just inside my office door–
Flopped, and passed gas, but nothing more.

Then this ebony cat beguiling all my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy crotch be fixed and un-ballsy, thou,” I said, “art sure no sissy,
Ghastly grim and ancient kitty wandering from the kitchen floor–
Tell me what thy lordly want is on the office’s hardwood floor!”
Quoth the kitty, “Feed me more!”


Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Kitty whose cat-yaks threatened my IKEA-ed floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, "thy Gut hath lent thee – by these devils he hath sent thee
Respite – relief and hairballs from thy groomings from before!
Hold, oh hold your foul ejecta and return to the kitchen floor!
Quoth the kitty, “[yaks] On this floor!”

[you got it]

And the kitty, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting,
On the hardwood floor and floor rug just inside my office door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And the stain from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!


Three ordinary cats. Staring intently at the same spot of nothing on my office floor.


What are these ‘ordinary cats’ of which you speak?

My two do the same, only it’s usually on the wall.

Ahhh. Cat-o-vision.

I am not a cat person, per se, but my ex had plenty o’ cats. They would sit there and stare at some “moving but invisible spot” on the wall. For a long time, I thought I need my glasses checked because there must have been a fly. The my ex finally explained to me what she called cat-o-vision.

I also like it when a cat just bolts up for no reason and goes tearing through the house. And then, of ocurse, comes back in about ten minutes like, What are you looking at?

In a somewhat serious mode, it’s likely that there is/was a minutely tiny insect in that spot that they could see from a few inches away and you could not. Or they heard a sound under the floor that you could never hear.

I used to buy little pom-poms from a craft store to use as cat toys, they come in bags of 100 and are much cheaper than pet store toys.

I woke up one morning to find my two cats had scavenged almost all the pom-poms from around the house and built a crude tetrahedron in front of the television. I was both amazed and scared.

Mine loves to stand at the entrance of the kitchen, and look up and around like the aliens are landing. Then she will top the whole thing off by suddenly ducking (as if there is something above her head, threatening her), let out a loud meow, and take off running like her tail was on fire.

What’s she see that I don’t, damnit?

Doesn’t anyone read Discworld.

Your cats are looking at creatures in potentia, they only exist in the color octarine that only cats and wizards can see.

Protecting humans from these creatures are a cat’s reason to live. Don’t disturb or make fun of them.

>>Applause! Cheers! <<

Mine usually stare at the stove or the dishwasher.

Mine stares at a point on the wall next to the computer room door (from outside, in the living room), or a point just above the sofa. She also does the tearing around the house thing, but that’s usually referred to as “Cat’s on fire”. Usually in a worn and weary tone.

This only happens with cats who follow the stock market.

Kitty crop circles! Mine enjoy sacrificing their toys to the Mighty Food Dish and occasionally it’s deity-in-training Master Bath Rug.

For some reason, several of mine have decided that the hair elastics they scavenge from my desk are negotiable currency. They will leave the elastics in the food bowl when the level reaches unacceptable lows.

Their eyes get really huge too. We used to narrate during those runs: “Run run run, oh how I love to race! The whole world depends on me, oh yes, I am so swift! I must continue to race and run! Oh wait, stop, roll around for a bit, okay, that’s it, back to the race, for the fate of all there is! Run run run, leap up in the air for no good reason, there I go, now back down the hall, did I forget something? Oh no, good, continue onward, for glory and destiny!”

The reason cats do the “crazy run” at any time of day is because they are practicing for the most important crazy run, the one that’s course leads them across your sleeping head and body, early in the morning - at least an hour before you actually need to be up.