Well, I had to do this… and I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but I really wasn’t left with any other options. I was wronged in such a horrible way I saw no other reaction then to hit back with the same force as I was hit with… and then some.
I told them at the beginning that they needed to know what they were getting into, but they didn’t listen. Once they did their part I had no option then to give them a lesson they couldn’t and wouldn’t forget.
So, on that fateful Saturday I found myself driving to that small white building I was originally taken to in the middle of the night way back in my College days. I was a bit surprised that I could still find it, and that it hadn’t been raided before now. In addition, this was in broad daylight… would anyone even answer the door? I parked in the back and lurked around to the door and to my surprise it was open. I slipped inside and sure enough there was someone inside. I casually made my way to the counter and whispered to the guy what I needed. He acted very calmly, and asked if I was sure that was what I wanted. I assured him I knew what I was asking for, and he asked if I had any experience with this. I told him I knew what I was doing and wouldn’t be asking for this if the situation I was placed in didn’t deserve it. He eventually turned to a cohort in the back and let him know what I desired. Before I knew it, I was exchanging some cold cash for the plain white bag he was handing me.
So now I nervously made my way to the door, looking over my shoulder the whole way. Just as I started to open the door, the guy who handed me the bag asked again… “are you sure you want to do this?” I just nodded quickly and slipped out the door and tried to get to my truck without raising any suspicion.
I made it back home and questioned if I really wanted to go through with it, but by now I was already committed, and I knew they had it coming. I slowly opened the bag, and realized there was no turning back now. As much as I love my boys, they asked for it and after all they started it all. I started the final battle and knew there was no way to stop it now.
I guess I should give some background… I’ve got two boys, ages 10 and 11. We had a weekend where Mom was out of town, and I was happily sitting on the couch watching something she wouldn’t normally like me to watch (probably Worlds Wildest People Get Hurt Videos), when my youngest casually walks in front of me, bends over to pick something up from the floor, and without any notice lets a huge fart fly right in my face! I fanned furiously and told him to be careful, but just then, the older one backed up and fired another one right at me. I suddenly realized from their squeals of delight that this was an organized assault. I looked at my bored 13 year old daughter asking her if she could believe this injustice when she casually stands up, and bending just so casually forward adds to the assault.
So, I did what I had to do. With my bag of six White Castle’s cheese burgers… belly bombs, sliders, whatever you want to call them… I pulled the pin… I gulped them down and I knew it was just a matter of time. I had the day off, and the kids were in school. I had some time to digest the situation.
So, the kids get home from school, and seem to have forgotten that we have something to settle. As I sit there I can feel the rumble in my stomach. My older boy is sitting in the other room watching TV when I decide to make my move. I go out, and lo and behold the remote is on the floor in front of him. I slowly bend over to pick it up… wait… nothing is happening. I pick it up and casually move on… then “BLURB” the volcano awakens. I move close to him, and…
Do any of you remember a poster that was popular in the 80’s for Maxell tapes that showed a guy in a chair getting blown back by the force of the speakers? Kind of like those 50’s pictures of the guys testing extreme G forces. Well, that was pretty much my son. I think it took him a good two minutes to catch his breath and respond with “what the Hell?” Yup… my 11 year old son was shocked enough that he used the big H word in front of his Dad. He quickly realized though that I wasn’t going to wash his mouth out with soap (Mom was gone after all) and also got to realize that he was going to get to witness some serious pay back on his little brother.
So, on to find the little guy. Setting comfortably on the couch in the living room. I lounge down on the other end of the couch and set one foot at the back of the couch and the other on the floor. In a matter of minutes Vesuvius awakens again and before he knows it the paint is peeling behind him. Well, to finish this long story, they spent quite some time trying to muster a counter attack, but with the power of White Castles they were no match to my frequent attacks that rivaled any freight train passing inches from my couch.
I’m not proud of what I did, but I’m also pretty sure nobody will make a frontal assault on my position again.
