I, Tripler, being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare this instrument serve as my last will and testament, upon my departure from this cubicle, office, and position within this organization. It is my hopes that upon my departure, y’all don’t descend onto my cubicle like locusts, rummaging and scavenging for whatever you can find. Granted, we’ve all done it before (like Randy’s desk—man that thing was a gold mine! I’ve still got some of his highlighters and his three-hole punch!), but I aim to add a touch of class and formality to the process.
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I hereby declare that Judy serve as executrix of this will, and charge her with the responsibility that my company-owned office supplies be part and parceled out in accordance with my wishes, and according to the regulations/policies thereof. For her effort and diligence, I leave her the first choice in my pens, pencils, highlighters, architectural scales, bookmarks, coffee mugs and drafting triangles. Further, I bequeath to her the pocket protector I scammed off of those sales guys from General Dynamics, as well as the nifty scientific calculator I grabbed out of Randy’s desk.
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First, I leave my Swingline Stapler to the Shawn, as I know he will use it daily, and cherish it. It is not a red Swingline stapler, but alas, it has served me well. I hope you carry the mantle of safe stapling with due respect when generating and collating those weekly TPS reports. Also, I leave you my magnets for underneath the book cabinet in your cubicle. I found that one of those with some two-sided tape makes for a great way to get paperclips and binders up and out of the way.
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Second, to Ms. Pierce, I bequeath my AssMaster 6000 office chair. Granted, it’s not as comfy as the new Lumbar-Pro 500s, but it’s got the nifty armrest swivel things I know you like. Pam thought she exchanged all of the AssMasters out, but I secretly held onto mine. Take it, and enjoy. Although, you may want to roll it down the hall after 5:30PM, after Pam leaves, just in case she notices and tries to swap it out on you. . .
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Thirdly, to Barbara, I leave nothing–may you burn in Hell. God ever help us all if you get a lick of legitimate work done on company time. To that end, I leave you nothing, that way you have less potential to a claim on anything material once they fire your ass, and are escorted from the building.
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Fourth, to John, I leave you the key to the cabinet with the toner cartridges and card stock. I don’t want to leave it with Barbara, part because she’s an idiot and can’t handle the simple task of keeping it stocked, and part because I want her to freak out when she realizes that I’ve left without giving her the key.
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The coffee machine is mine–I have taken that with me. It is my desire, however, that the Folgers’ in the tin, and the filters be put back into use in my immediate office, so Max, John, and Mike can enjoy it. Same goes for the plasticware I will leave behind—it’s clean, I promise. I won’t lick 'em or anything.
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Finally, to Bob, Ray, and Dave, I leave an open invitation to the paperwork in my filing drawers. I’ve cleaned out a majority of the stuff, but I’ve left some papers behind that I really do think would be good reference material for you.
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It is my desire that any electrons I leave behind be recycled and returned to their generating source, and any emails with my name be filed appropriately. I further request that my phone number be returned to the pool of available extensions and not retired like Joe’s (when they turned his old number into the fax line). For a final service, I ask that you shred my recyclables and scatter them into the bin before next Tuesday’s pickup.
Signed, 28 July, 2008:
//Tripler//
Tripler
Some names changed to protect the innocent. Except Barbara.
