My dad has really poor social skills

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It took me forever to figure this out. For the the longest I thought he was just an asshole. It’s something I’ve suspected for the last few years, but some things that he did/said over the holidays confirmed my suspicions.

He doesn’t fit the stereotype of a socially inept man. He showers, is able to carry on a normal conversation, has empathy towards people in distress, dresses appropriately, etc.

However, when it comes to higher level social skills, I’ve discovered that he is lost. An example, he doesn’t see the need to be liked in order to progress in his career. He also said, even if he (or anyone) wanted to be liked more at work, there’s nothing that can be done.

Another example, he insisted on buying my mom a dress for Christmas eventhough my mom repeatedly stated she didn’t want one. His logic was that she needed one. Yes, my mom does some new dresses, her figure is changing, due to age probably. But, that’s not what she wanted for Christmas, and that should be respected, especially since she had a rough year (losing her mom and a close aunt). My dad, however, failed to understand the purpose of buying my mom what she wanted for Christmas.

I’m not sure where this trait came from. His siblings are nothing like him. They are gregarious and warm. His mom is kind of eccentric, but she’s 90. I don’t know what she was like when she was younger. My grandpa died when I was five. My dad doesn’t talk about his parents that much. I do know, however, that both parents were strict.

Well, I guess this explains why my dad never tried to help me solve my social problems while growing up. I thought he just didn’t care. It turns out he’s just clueless.

2

It could be from many things. Without reaching for a trope, and without knowing another damned thing about your dad, I’ll point out that Asperger’s is part of a spectrum, and a very mild or somewhat off-axis case could leave someone 99% functional, with only selected interactions being affected.

3

My experience is that your dad is not an extremely uncommon male type. They often offend and they often offend in exactly the same way they offended before, despite their offense being carefully explained to them, and they seem to understand the explanation at the time. It’s easy to think their actions are deliberate, but I am sure now that in many cases it is just an expression of what to me is a kind of genetic dysfunction, and they are unable to change.

Women talking among themselves often bemoan these inexplicable socially tone-deaf guys, who often have a real lovable and decent side too.

4

So what did your mom want for Christmas, and was it as affordable and attainable as a new dress, which she apparently did in fact need?

I think he’s got a good point about work; depending on what you do for a living there might not be a requirement to be liked amongst peers. It’s nice if you can walk the fine line, but in some positions you just have to take the lumps. People involved in quality and financial inspection and auditing aren’t typically loved by the people they serve.

Anyway, your mom needed a dress; your dad bought her one, but that’s not what she really wanted? Maybe it’s just me, but your mom sounds like the one with the problem here, not your dad.

5

Actually, the best gifts are those given with the wishes of the recipient in mind. Unless the mom was asking for something outrageous, no, she was not the one with the problem. Particularly if she repeated over and over that she didn’t want a dress.

6

It’s just you.

This is not a case of buying a kid a warm jacket instead of the video game they asked for, because you can only afford one and winter is coming.

Giving a present which ignores an adult’s professed wishes says:
“I’m too empathy-impaired to even understand that other people have a different world inside them than I do.” That would be the best-case explanation.

The less-good case would be a person who is so domineering that they believe they know best for everyone else no matter what that person says they need.

7

I needed vacuum cleaner bags this week. I’d have felt slighted if someone gave them to me for Christmas.

8

So do yo u know what the mom wanted for Christmas? Because she could be like my wife.
Sometimes getting her a gift that is a treat for her is difficult because she deflects her requests to other things. Mrs BD many times says she wants something for the house like a vacuum cleaner or something. She prefers not to be fussed over. I tell her that we can get a vacuum cleaner for the house but it won’t be a present for her. That leaves me with the task of determining what would be a gift for her. And that means picking out a gift that flatters her even if she says she doesn’t want jewelry, clothes, etc.

And yes, the vacuum cleaner also shows up as a present from Santa to the dog.

9

Perhaps your dad bought the dress before your mom announced what she really wanted. Perhaps what she wants is out of his budget, or something he doesn’t feel comfortable buying for some reason. Maybe he just wants to see her dressed up and looking pretty. Maybe he thinks what she wants is too mundane. And just maybe he thinks that just because you want something doesn’t mean you automatically get it…maybe he’s saving that as a surprise for later.
So how did your mom react to his gift? Was she gracious or pouty?

Written by someone who hasn’t gotten anything she really wants for Christmas in a really long time. But is insanely grateful for ANY gift.

10

My dad never bought her the dress. She (and me) eventually talked him out of it. My mom wanted either some sort of gadget or a gift card to a restaurant she liked, but didn’t want any type of clothing. He got her nothing for Christmas.

11

Yow!

This is pretty serious. It goes beyond poor social skills. Either he has a lack of empathy or he was seriously pissed off at your mother. Does he understand that this must have hurt her feelings?

12

So, you’d be ok with socks? Everyone needs socks. Maybe she wanted to pick out her own dress. Ok, if it had happened just once, but he does it every year.
Of course, on the other hand, he may have no imagination and a dress is all he could think of.

13

It occurs to me that the OP’s dad’s social skills must have been at least good enough to win over the OP’s mom, or else we wouldn’t have the OP.

14

My wife and I do not exchange Christmas gifts. Gifts are something we get for our children and friends.

15

So you and your mom put some effort into talking him out of giving her a dress (which he wanted to give her, and which she needed), with the result that he gave her nothing. It seems to me that your dad is not the one most prominently displaying poor social skills here. It is hard to tell for sure what is going on, but it is apparent that you and/or your mother have handled the situation very badly, and quite possibly his feelings have been badly hurt by having had his attempt at generosity so obdurately rejected.

Has no-one here ever seen a Diamonds02 thread before? Her judgements about what is socially appropriate, or what is inept, do not seem to have, let us say, a very good track record, and her initial accounts of situations have often turned out to be significantly incomplete and unreliable.

16

I think you and your mom are equally clueless in this situation. I couldn’t imagine badgering someone into buying me what i tell them to instead of what they wanted to give me. If dad wanted to get her a dress then she should’ve been happy with it, specially since she actually needed it.

17

When someone gives you a gift you don’t like it’s sort of like them saying they don’t understand you.

When someone insists on giving you a gift you have told them you don’t want, it’s sort of like them saying they don’t understand you AND they don’t care whether they understand you or not.

Yes, it is gracious as a gift-receiver to accept gifts politely and with gratitude. However for a gift giver it is incredibly ungracious to give someone something they have clearly expressed they do not want. It is far, far worse than giving nothing, it’s an insult that says, “your feelings and preferences don’t matter”.

18

You win today’s award for tact. :slight_smile:

19

I stayed out of it, until my mother got on the verge of tears. Normally, I stay completely out of their fights. But since my mom had a very rough year, I wanted her to be happy on Christmas. Yeah my mom is equally messed up, and should’ve accepted whatever my dad got her. But she didn’t. Because of the situation she’s in, I felt the need to take her side.

20

Very good point. Something was very very off about my mother’s judgment. If I were in her shoes, I would’ve never ever married someone like my father.