I neglected to do something that I felt was unimportant and now I’m paying the price.
I usually send my dad and stepmother (I hesitate to use the fine word “mother” in any way associated with her) a token gift at Christmas – usually something like a Harry and David fruit basket. This year, I was running low on cash and I figured it didn’t really matter anyway, and so instead of the fruit basket I sent my dad a book from his Amazon Wish List and called it good.
They sent me a check for $100.
He left me a message on the 30th thanking me for the book. Then, two hours later he called back and chided me for not sending something for both of them, as my stepmother was “unhappy” (sulking) about it, and pointed out that the hundred bucks was from both of them. I’m picturing her pacing around in the background, pouting because nobody likes her.
Well, it’s pretty safe to say that most people don’t like her, for that matter. I don’t like her. She doesn’t like me (she acts like I’m some big, dumb kid). Why am I obligated to give gifts she doesn’t need in the first place to someone I don’t like? I’m afraid she is making life hell for my dad, and I’m ashamed that he accepts such behavior from her.
So now what do I do? Ignore the second call? Send a fruit basket with an “I goofed! My apologies! Happy New Year!” message? Should I send a letter to my dad and tell him what I really think? (They share e-mail.) I already send her a birthday card every year because he asked me to. (No one in the extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins sent her a card and she pouted about it for a week.) :rolleyes:
I don’t want my dad to suffer from her behavior, but I want to stand up to this kind of nonsense. What should I do?
Looks to me as though she has you pegged pretty close.
If you couldn’t afford two gifts, then you should have attempted something to include her in the exchange.
I suppose that it is possible that your dad is being bullied. On the other hand, he’s old enough to have married her and he can stand up for himself. It is also possible that he really does not appreciate the rest of the family excluding her and hopes that at least his own progeny would show her some kindness.
I hope you get this all resolved, some day, but I’m not too hopeful.
I’m with tomndebb - imagine you’re in her shoes for a moment. If I was with someone and their whole family made an effort to snub me, my feelings would be hurt.
Your dad married her, he’s still with her, he cares about her happiness.
Assuming she’s not abusing him or you, and assuming you want to have a good relationship with your father I think offering a tiny bit of kindness to the woman he’s chosen to spend his life with, even if you don’t like her, is the very least you could do.
The fact that you don’t like her (possibly for good reason), doesn’t change the fact that you should have gotten her something or else sent a single gift for both of them. So, admit you fucked up. The best way out of it is not to just send some token gift now, but to simply apologize for being thoughtless. You can say it’s because you were really busy, or really poor, or whatever (so you don’t have to say it was because you don’t like her) and you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. Tell her it wasn’t meant as a reflection of your opinion of her, and that it won’t happen again.
I just wish she weren’t so petty about stuff! The check came from their joint checking account, but I know the gift is really from him. And there’s nothing I can get her that she really needs anyway, so what the heck is the point? I just hate the way she makes gift-giving obligatory and cheerless. Argh.
I guess this makes your stepmother the second mad cow on US soil, neh? All kidding aside, if you know that the gift is really your Dad’s, well, then why bow to the cow? I guess I say this from being in a similar situation. When my folks divorced, I went with my Dad. My mother remarried, and my stepfather-in-law (or whatever the hell he is) and she would send me a gift every year. And every year, I would send my Mom a gift. I’ve never met her husband (and it’s been ten years, mind you,) and frankly, I don’t give a shit about him. So, I guess what I’m saying is screw your bovine relation and simply be happy that you’ve made your Dad happy with the book you’ve sent.
IMHO, the stepmonster approach to use is the herpes approach. You make sure not to aggravate her or deny that she exists and she should not crop up like a bad rash. End of story.
Not that I have any personal experiance with either a stepmonster or herpes.
Yeah, because it’s soooo fun to have your money sent to someone who hates your guts and can’t be bothered to send you a $2 box of candy or something. :rolleyes:
Like this woman or loathe her, she is part of your family, and you should treat her as such. If you were married and your dad treated your spouse the way you treat his, you’d probably be pretty damned offended. Why shouldn’t your dad and stepmother be hurt and offended at this situation?
Oh, and giving presents isn’t about someone needing something. I’m pretty sure your dad could make a pretty good argument that you don’t need that check they sent you. It’s about doing something nice for somebody to mark an occasion.
Perhaps if you tried treating your stepmother with a bit more respect, your relationship might improve.
You sound like a thirteen-year-old still pissed at the new woman dad’s dating. Grow up. Whether you like it or not, your father is married to her and she’s a part of your family now. And as CrazyCatLady said, if it were your father treating your spouse this way, you’d be pretty fucking upset with him. Why should this be any different?
Agreed. Why would you send something to just your dad? Especially when the money does come from their joint bank account. That’s pretty freaking rude. Especially when you could have just sent her a token box of chocolates or something that would have cost maybe 10 bucks.
Next time, you send your dad a book and your stepmonster something worth no more than $5–not obviously crappy, but a token gift. It’s only polite to reciprocate in gift giving. You knew she’d get you something. It’s rude to turn Christmas into a referendum on what family members you like best.
I’ve got a lot of respect for ya’. Your posts are well reasoned and chocked full of informational nutritional edjumicational goodness. But you’re wrong. Not on the whole ‘improve the relationship by participating’ part, but when you said “Whether you like it or not, your father is married to her and she’s a part of your family now.”
The reason I say this is simply that step-persons, whether they be fathers, mothers, or siblings, are not ‘family’ just because they’ve married a relation of yours. For me, family is more a state of being. If a35362 feels that this individual is simply putting up with his being a stepson, then he has every right NOT to put up with her being his stepmother. I’ve seen step-parental relationships which have been wonderful. Thats family. I’ve also seen the foil of wonderful, and that’s as far from family as you and I (now that I’ve said this, we’re going to end up being cousins or something ;). ) If a35362 feels that his father’s wife is a pain in the ass lower than loathesome, well, then he should do as he sees fit as long as he gives to his father (who seems to be family, in both the blood and bond forms) the love and respect that he (his father) deserves.
By getting her something and talking with her and establishing a relationship with her, you are not giving her a gift. You are giving your father a gift.
And by doing what you did, you are shitting on your father. Suck it up and take care of your father, establish a cordial relationship with the woman.
My solution was simple when my stepdaughter pulled this stunt of accepting expensive presents and treating me as if I were not worth anything. Or worse yet, decided the present came solely from her father and she didn’t even need to thank me let alone send me anything.
Quite a few years passed with her receiving nothing. Or token gifts. Sounds harsh but show me where it is written in stone that kids are entitled to treat their stepparents like shit and still collect the loot. If her father had gotten off his arse and bought presents I would have said nothing but he’s too used to me being the present hunter and gatherer to do it.
Fortunately for us all, she grew up and we all get along well now. But I know I felt better when I grew a spine.
My advice would be to be really really honest with your dad and accept that your presents may decrease in quantity and quality. After all, you wouldn’t sulk or anything if someone who doesn’t like you doesn’t do the polite thing would you? Your dad might feel like it’s a shame that he’s raised a kid with so little courtesy and politesse but hell, that’s better than you selling out by being polite isn’t it? If you don’t like the woman, you’ve got every reason to shit on her and to make sure she knows it.
Or, send her back $50 from the $100 you got. Maybe enclose a note to the effect that it’s no longer possible for you to send her a meaningful gift due to the way this was handled, but if she feels you owe her a gift in exchange for her half of the gift to you, then you are returning her half, with a hearty “thanks but no thanks, too many strings attached.”
Of course, this will send feathers flying and end up hurting your dad, so I don’t actually recommend doing it…
Stepmonster is a jerk for sniveling about this and putting him in the middle in the first place. However, I agree with the others that the best approach is one that preserves your (apparently mostly good) relationship with dad.
Maybe talk to him? Say you’ve been thinking about this, explain why his complaint bothers you and why you chose the gift to him. Ask what, specifically, he would like you to do now (maybe it’s nothing) - and negotiate something you are both comfortable with. You could tell him you don’t like SM’s behavior, and why, and that you don’t intend to have gifts extorted by her threats of sulking - but then see if the 2 of you can work out a way to smooth out this wrinkle in the future.
I can feel your pain. I have a stepmother-to-be who’s a piece of shit excuse for a human being, and I would have LOVED to have snubbed her in the Christmas gift exchange. She’s treated me so poorly, I really didn’t feel like she deserved a gift from me. However, for the sake of maintaining civility and making my dad happy, I gave her some candles. I shudder to think of the meltdown that would have occurred had I not given her something
It probably would have been a good idea to get her a little token, just to avoid the situation you’re in now.
My bolding.
By openning this thread, you have already answered that question.
Women love flowers. Send her a simple note of apology* with some nice flowers and chalk it up to experience. Next year go back to the fruit basket. It’s no harder than the book from Amazon. Maybe you can find a supplier that will automatically send a fruit basket every year on Dec 15.
*Just say “I’m sorry”. Don’t offer any excuses-- that always makes it sound like you’re not really sorry.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess you’re not married, 'coz I don’t know any married person who takes a deliberate slight of their spouse as a gesture of love and respect. A married couple is a unit legally, socially, and emotionally. You insult one of them, you insult both of them. By treating Stepmom shabbily, the OP is not giving his father the love and respect he deserves.
a3562, whatever you do, don’t put your father in a situation where he feels like he has to choose between you two, because you’ll lose. You may his kid, but she’s his wife. He wound up with you through the luck of the draw; he chose her out of all the women in the world.
[quote]
Stepmonster is a jerk for sniveling about this and putting him in the middle in the first place. However, I agree with the others that the best approach is one that preserves your (apparently mostly good) relationship with dad.[/qupte]
The stepmother probably should have handled it herself and written the son a note that said something to the effect that when she is left out of gift exchanges, she feels hurt. That doesn’t blame the stepson, but it does let him know how she feels when he omits her. It’s still his choice, however, to be inconsiderate of her feelings.
It seems to be your attitude that makes it obligatory and cheerless. Do you give to your Dad only on special occasions or do you give because you love him?
Sounds to me like she needs to feel included. Maybe that is a luxury in your family.
I don’t think that Dad is caught in the middle though. Sounds to me like he commiserates with his wife.
Of course she’s family. Nothing says that you have to embrace every member of your family. But if Dad is family, then she is family.
Every year my stepson and his wife thanked my husband for the check from our joint account. Every year they gave me nothing. Eventually they quit even thanking my husband or giving him anything. They just endorsed the check. Notice the past tense.