My father's wife is a cow. (advice needed)

The BBQ Pit
21

well, speaking as a stepmother, for years and years i was the one who did all the gift buying for the children. christmas and birthdays would roll around and the gifts would be opened followed by a “thanks dad”. frankly it hurt. on weekend visitations i got to hear, “i’m bored, (insert my name here) what can we do” so i was the entertainment director for child visit weekends while dad sat in his chair watching bowling for furniture. i used to take them shopping and give them money to buy their mother a mother’s day gift.

the children are both grown now, step daughter is 24 and to this day there is no acknowledgement of mothers day or my birthday or anything of the sort. i stopped buying their gifts a few years ago and now hubby is in charge of it.

i don’t know if this woman was around when the op was younger, but it sounds to me like his attitude toward her is the biggest problem.

22

I have a hated step-parent also; my mother was married to him once before and he was very abusive to her and to us kids, especially my brother. Now she has married him again (Jesus, this all sounds so Southern) and although he’s been on his best behavior since then (going on 7 years now) I will always despise him. I give Mom framed pictures of my children every year, and put his name on the tag as well. There’s an uneasy peace in the family and that’s one way I help to keep it without actually having to buy a gift for The Evil One. Your stepmother doesn’t sound so bad to me; I think it would be best from now on to include her in some small way.

23

Not all step-parent/step-in-laws is a bad one. I get along great with my mother-in-law/step-father-in-law and the father-in-law but the step-mother-in-law hates me for some unknown reason. Has from the very first day I called to invite her and the FIL over for Christmas to see their son instead of being cooped up in a hotel room. Once the step-mother-in-law knew son number 2 was dating someone older…I got the “we don’t approve of this relationship and we will “TRY” to accept you into the family”. “TRY to accept”? Huh? I was both amazed and shocked at the gaul this woman had.

It’s been a cold day in hell ever since then. Eight years later, the feud still lingers. Try to accept me indeed. She does not like me, and in return I do not care for her much. I have honestly tried to make the jump into her acceptance but in her eyes I am not good enough for her stepson. She set the ground rules before even meeting me. The sad thing is, when she is not around the FIL will talk for an hour on the phone with me. IF she is within earshot he seems very cold and distant towards me. So I know he actually is pleased his son found someone loving and caring but he can’t betray the witch. I am greatful my MIL adores me other wise this marriage would have some major problems :slight_smile:

I feel for the OP. All I can say is try talking to the father when the SM isn’t around. Hopefully you guys can have a heart to heart and just be honest with dad. Tell him that you truly did not mean to offend her in anyway that at the time you were broke. You might also tell him that you really feel she doesn’t like you and are uncomfortable with that fact as well.

I hope things work out for you.

24

My father-in-law (LOVE the fella!) has a advice-phrase for times such as this…

“Lose the battle, but win the war”

In other words, make nice to her (lost the battle) and be the better person for being accepting and tolerant (win the war).

Granted, SHE probably won’t see it that way. But it puts you in the position of being the better person.

25

I think that you have to decide whether you’re part of the gift exchange or not. If not, then you receive nothing from your father and his wife and you give them nothing in return. And you can start by returning that $100 cheque. But if you part of the gift exchange are then you bloody well buy her a present too.

Geez, take it out of the $100. That will still leave you, what, $80 in credit?

pan

26

That’s easy: www.hales.com

Fresh fruit from Florida. The alliteration is free!

27

Ugh…okay, we’ve both got a big-ass beef with Comcast right now. My whole post just got eaten.

And that was the nicest disagreement I’ve had in a long time around here;).

I do understand what you’re saying about family. We have people in my family, in-laws, who we really don’t care for - but we make nice with them because we don’t want to hurt our relationships with their spouse - but they’re still family to us, even if they weren’t born into the family. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t see much evidence that a35362’s stepmom is as bad as he claims. It sounds to me like she’s just hurt at the slight - and rightfully so. In order to maintain peace with his dad, why not just grab her a token gift from Amazon or Flowers.com to say “Hey, I screwed up! Sorry!”. It’ll make stepmom feel better and a35362 will be in good graces with Dad again.

Sometimes I just think it’s better to suck it up and admit you made a mistake to keep the family harmony.

(And I’m assuming you’re male - I’ve got a very cute girl cousin if you want to marry into my family;).

Ava

28

If the MIL is truly being a cow, then get her a cattle nose ring.

(OK, so that was too easy. Sue my lawyer.)

29

Ahem…I’m a “she,” not a “he.” :wink:

Stepmother isn’t evil, just kinda brittle and overly-concerned with status-type things, like my stepsister’s new house or how old my brother’s car is. She does this “I did you a favor…Now You Owe Me One” thing that goes right over my head. In short, she’s not my kind of person.

I’m not cheap or stingy, just broke a lot of the time (which I suspect contributes to her image of me as a “loser”). Upon reading everybody’s posts (and thank you for the feedback), it occurs to me that I may in fact be continuing the relationship that I had with her 20 years ago, when I was a student living at home. From her point of view, I probably do come across to her as a sulky, ungrateful kid, which is embarrassing. It’s just that since we don’t like each other, and we both know we don’t like each other, obligatory gift-giving seems really phony and wrong to me. And I really didn’t think she would notice or care if she didn’t get anything from me. I sent a thank-you for the check promptly after it was received, as I always do. I just didn’t send a gift.

I sent an “I’m sorry” e-card addressed specifically to her this morning, saying that I certainly didn’t mean to hurt her feelings (which is true, honest!). And I will be careful to plan my gift-giving in advance more carefully in future. Now we’ll see what happens.

30

>>Stepmonster is a jerk for sniveling about
>>this and putting him in the middle in the
>>first place. However, I agree with the
>>others that the best approach is one that
>>preserves your (apparently mostly good)
>>relationship with dad.

Being as how I’m a step-mom myself, this really rubbed me the wrong way. Why don’t we have a right to be disappointed or upset when our step-children act in a thoughtless or inconsiderate way?

I have a very, very good relationship with my girls … but … there have been many times that they (I hope unintentionally) hurt my feelings. There have been times I’ve sucked it up and not said anything … but more than once I’ve been sad or upset or angry enough to expect my husband to share that emotional burden. That’s his job … he’s my spouse. I listen to him rant … he listens to me rant.

My hurt feelings are usually because of the inequality in treatment between our house and the ex’s house (we’re obviously 2nd place in everything … and we’re treated as such … we aren’t invited to some school functions … their mom and step-dad must “approve” our oldest girl’s boyfriends … but we weren’t allowed to meet the last one for six months and NEVER met the one before that … for all three girls’ 8th grade graduation, we drove 30 miles to see the ceremony and then stood in a receiving line for 20 minutes so we could hand them their gifts and talk talk to them for maybe 2 minutes … then we drove 30 miles home by ourselves and they joined all their mother’s family in a graduation party at her home … basically she says jump and they ask “how high” we say jump and they stomp off to their bedroom … that kind of thing happens all the time) …

I rambled … sorry … but my point is … I guess in my situation, I complain about issues that hurt my husband’s feelings as well as mine … but even when we first met and their insensitivity was directed towards me, I still felt it was important for me to tell my husband what was going on and why it bothered me.

31

a35362 -

You’re more mature than any of us gave you credit for! :slight_smile: It’s a great sign that you wrote that a) she’s not evil and b) you realize you’ve been behaving the same way for the past 20 years … when you’ve both probably changed QUITE a bit.

You’re right … perhaps she still sees you as the sulky, ungrateful teenager that you used to be (and who WASN’T a sulky, ungrateful teenager! haha) … but you’re still seeing her as the woman that came in an disrupted your relationship with your dad.

Your e-card was a wonderful gesture … I hope she appreciates it … because you’ve taken the first step into improving your relationship with her. :slight_smile:

32

Apologies on the gender thing, ** a35362 **:slight_smile: - it’s just your name doesn’t make it easy to figure out! But now I know;).

I’m very glad you took steps to correct it. Hopefully, your relationship with your stepmom will improve and maybe the two of you can maintain a civil, if not close, friendship. I do hope it works out for you:). And if your relationship with your dad is as important to you as mine is with my dad, it sounds like you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.

Ava

33

well I havent lived with either of my parents since I was 5. I still talk to them and their new others, but we are obviously not close. As I got older both my parents used to send me b-day and christmas gifts and every year I would send them nothing. I would even call them and TELL them to stop sending me things, but they still would. Eventually they did stop and now all we do is call on special occasions.

Most people figure I didnt want them sending me things out of some hatred or some such thing. But actually no it wasnt. To me gifts should reflect what the giver knows the reciever would like. My “parents” didnt know what I liked or wanted, so I would get silly generic things. To me that was more insulting and hurtful as nothing. It was tanagible thing that reminded me how little my parents knew me.

Anyway, I did have point here…The book you gave your dad wasnt just a one time snubb, everytime she sees that book she will remember that snubb, and it will probably hurt. She loves your dad, and since you got a $100 from him, she likes you as well. Or even if she didnt, she at least didnt stop your dad from sending it. Cut her some slack.

34

If she’s concerned with appearances and notices things like your family not sending birthday cards, she’s definitely going to notice you sending Dad a Christmas gift but not her. I mean, c’mon, what were you smoking? :slight_smile: Forty lashes with a wet noodle for you, missy.

With any luck, the e-card you sent will open up a path for the two of you to form a more grown-up relationship. You know, you stop acting like a sulky, ungrateful kid (it really sounds like you revert when dealing with SM, which really doesn’t help her perception of you), she stops treating you like a sulky, ungrateful kid, and you form a pleasant, if not affectionate, relationship for the sake of the man you both love.

35

I am a step father. I have things to say on this matter.

The main point is that if you are considering becoming a step parent…DON’T. It’s not friggin worth it. If you do, do not have any illusions. This is from a guy’s perspective and I think women probably have it worse.

With stepchildren:

 First of all, you can do no right.  Everything bad the kid does is your fault.  Kid doing bad in school?  Why aren't you helping him more?  Kid gets into trouble....why aren't you watching him more?  Nobody seems to put blame on the biological father for this because, well, he's living with you isn't he?
 If the kid starts doing good, like doing better in school because you are spending considerable time helping him....no credit is given.
 If you spend money on the kid, no benefit or gratitude is given by him or any family member related to him.  You are the step father, OF COURSE you should spend money on him.  Biological father?  Why he sends your wife $185 a month so he's pulling his share :roll:  BUT HEAVEN FORBID YOU BALK AT SPENDING MONEY...you are then the EVIL BASTARD OF THE WORLD!  Nothing is too good for the relations to insist you spend your money on him for.
 Gifts at Christmas?  "Thanks Mom"...."Son, your step dad helped buy and pick this out also"...."oh...thanks andy (said in a low voice turned away)".
 You have little authority and much expected 'duty' to the kid.

=============

You spend so much time. effort and money into your step child and you get no benefit or credit…only the negatives. Unlike the OP, my step son and I actually seem to like each other. I am happy when he does well, sad when he doesn’t do well in life.

However, I have never received a birthday present. Never a fathers day present. I receive a token gift worth about 10% of what my wife gets.

Yes, it makes me angry. I spent more time/effort/heartache/money on this kid than the father ever did BY FAR. I take much credit for the mostly good man he turned out to be. In return, I get…nothing really… except to feel good about thinking how he would have turned out without me (and that is quite a bit…I think he would have been in bad shape without me). I feel I deserve something to feel father-like, damnit!

If my wife died and I got sick…he wouldn’t be around much if at all. If anything happened where he would have to devote time/resources to my well-being…well I’m not his father am I? I would be SOL.

I’m concentrating on material things but that is not what gets me. It is the whole lack of gratitude and, well, father-son love. I guess you have to be the sperm contributer to get that and you can then act like shit and still get it.

===========

As for step parents, I really thought that marrying my wife would be like joining another family. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am tolerated. They even profess to others that they like and admire me but I am still basically treated like an outsider.

==============

I love my wife dearly but I really wish I would have passed on the whole step-experience and found a woman without kids. That’s my advice to you youngins out there. Just say no to another man’s kids. Find yourself a woman without them.

YMMV - but I have yet to see a good step relationship and I know of quite a few.

[/whine fest]

As for the OP and others like the OP, treat your step parents with respect. You are NOT their biological kid yet they spend time/effort/money on you. For what? So you can tolerate/ignore them? FU.

36

Oh, andy, that’s sad. I wish you could meet my dad’s family. My grandfather was married three times (his first wife, my grandmother, died when Dad was 2, and his second wife died when I was 2 or 3), so it’s all steps and halfs and step-steps if you want to be technical about it. We never have been, though; they’re all just family, with no qualifiers. Wife #3 is just my grandma, although Dad likes to tease her by calling her the Wicked Stepmother (she eats it up like it was brand-new, even after nearly 25 years.) She was only married to Grandpa for 2 years before he died, but we all still go spend Christmas and Mother’s Day with her, because we love her and her new husband.

My father has no other close living relatives, except for my brother and me. They’re all the family he has, so he can’t really afford to look down on them for not being blood kin.

37

Good manners!

38

Well, here’s another reason to make ‘nice-nice’ w/ the SM, regardless of your feelings towards her, and no one else has mentioned it, I’m surprised; when your dad is, er, gone, she may be the only one getting anything of his, one way or another. This came to my mind immediately upon reading your initial post because in the last couple of years I have seen something similar slowly play out w/ an older client of mine whose elderly widwowed father married a woman the client didn’t like and wouldn’t accept.
The elderly father is recently bed-ridden; unless the client calls when the SM is out and the caregiver is there, she doesn’t get to speak to her father 2300+ miles away. Visits have been declared unwelcome since September and the client is starting to feel the revenge of a SM scorned for 8 years previous. Even she admits she should have made nice w/ the SM rather than treating her like a temporary hostess.
Admittedly, this is an extreme situation, but you never know - life can change in an instant. And if I were you I’d want the person closest to my dad on my side if something were to happen to him.
(God forbid, spit, spit.)

39

Am I the only one thinking, ‘Holy Shit, this has been going on for 20 Years!’

There’s got to be a point where you forgive and forget and try to be the bigger person…and remember, it’s not her you’re hurting, it’s your dad. And after all of this time, you can’t just think she’ll just go away.

As for andymurph64, I just about broke down and wept reading your post. That’s one of the saddest things I’ve read, and my worst nightmare of what being a stepdad was going to be like.
I have 2 stepsons and 1 son by my Lady wife, - but they are all 3 my boys. I’ve done pretty much everything for them that you say you have, and it would kill me if that was all that I got in return. As it is, we have a great relationship, and though we’ve grown apart a little as they’ve gotten older, and feel like they need to connect to their ‘real’ Dad, it’s been great. Low expectations have been the key. Pushing being a Dad can only set you back…if you act like one, they will respond to you like one, as long as everyone around them plays along. And anger at their bio dad doesn’t help at all. My kids’ dad is pretty worthless, but they defend him just out of a sense of fairness if anyone bad mouths him.

I have to say, depending on their ages, much of your issues might have to do with your wife. My Lady did everything to make us comfortable with each other, and she suggested gifts to me from them, took them out to buy them, etc. All of their presents have been from ‘us’ since she and I became serious. Should the kids shoulder all of the responsibility for figuring out where you should stand? They might have needed coaching, and didn’t get it.

And remember, being taken for granted is the natural state of being for a parent. Once you’re there, you’re in. :slight_smile:

40

andymurph64 - You’ve got my greatest sympathies … as a step-parent, you do the same parenting that the biological parents do … with none of the benefits.

In my case, for the moment, I have a great relationship with my kids (I should call them “step” so the people on the boards understand the reference … but in real life, I just refer to them as “my girls”) but I know that there are going to be some very tough roads ahead … high school graduations will be heartbreaking if they turn out anything like 8th grade graduations … weddings will be a quagmire … <sigh> … but Stonebow is right … once you’re there … you’re in.