I think you should go visit the church at least once and find out what it is. The “friends” thing indicates that there’s a pretty good chance they’re Quakers, in which case you don’t need to worry too much, they’re harmless. (One of my brothers was a “friend” for a while)
I think you have to be careful about opposing her choices too much, since that’s the exact thing that could push her more into it. Just try to find out what you can about this church, so you know what she may be learning or forming beliefs about. I you can probably make her aware that no one church is going to have all the answers for anything and remind her, above all else, to think for herself, to ask questions and maintain a degree of healthy skepticism about what she is being taught. Don’t tell her what to think, just tell her to make sure that she does think.
My guess is that this really is just more of a social thing right now. She might become a Christian, she might not, but bear in mind that she is at the age of exploration and experimentation, but blood is thicker than water. Her core values and attitudes have already been set and they largely come from you. She may wander a bit, but she’s probably not going to end up believing anything radically different than her parents.
Just an afterthought…are any of these “friends” named Rachel, or Monica or Ross? Nah…probably not…
I would suggest that you go with her to church and see what is going on. I’ve found church youth groups are a good source of polite well mannered kids. However, theres something about them thats a bit, odd. They almost seem like they are on ecstasy all the time. You’ll want to go to see what going on and see if you are comfortable with what is being thrown around. You don’t want your child to end up being guilted into religion. I’ve found that when I go to a concert headed by some type of church or youth group there is always a time that comes where they stop, try to act cool and then attempt to recruit kids into their religion. It annoys the crap out of me. However, this group may be different. Also you should may sure your daughter is able to be a skeptic and choose whats right for herself instead of what you want her to do or what the group wants her to do.
So to sum up, check it out yourself, tell her what you think and then let her make her own choice on the matter.
I did ask her that. She doesn’t know. Much of my free-floating anxiety would be relieved if I knew this was a Quaker congregation since their general philosophy doesn’t jar too much with the values I’ve tried to instill.
Something that is bothering me is the “just going to hang out with her friends” angle. If I thought she was going to church (even a faith-healing Young Earth type church) because she thought about it and wanted to learn more or because her natural conservatism lead her down that path, then I wouldn’t even think about opposing her wishes to attend-- I wouldn’t like it and would make sure she knew I didn’t, but I wouldn’t even try to stop her. But following that path just because her friend is doing it is the exact opposite of any critical thinking skill I’ve ever heard of.
And if Ross, Rachel or Joey were the Friends she was going to see, I could forget ever seeing her again. It’s one of her favorite shows (mine too).
Biggirl, I do not know about the details of your (non)religious upbringing of your daughter, but if the discriminating critical-thinking skills took root, they should kick in once she does figure out what it is her friends are into and what if anything she is being sold/preached.
Hanging out with your friends and checking out something that is a part of their lives but not of yours, is how youth get into anything from religion to SF fandom to rebuilding hotrods to Ayn Rand… to, yes, less wholesome things. But the critical-thinking skill is what should help her ID the latter – and you are doing it exactly right, by going in and seeing for yourself what is up.
Besides, hanging out with religious friends is a less-awkward way to explore Faith than reading up on comparative religions and scheduling a series of interviews with a Rabbi, an Imam, a Priest and a Minister at congregations full of complete strangers.
DDG-And they come, not because they’re curious about her religion, but because it’s cool to visit your friend’s church.
I appear to have slipped into another dimension.
As already suggested many people go to church for the socialization and sense of community. Just make sure your daughter knows that churches don’t have a monopoly on building camraderie or working for the common good.
Go check the place out. It sounds like you don’t have enough information to make any sort of a decision about. If they’re REALLY weird, I’d be very very concerned. However, I was brought up by a heathen mother myself, and the one time I visited a friend’s fundamentalist church I was appalled. “Turn off your brain for Jesus” seemed to be the dominant message.
If the church in question espouses beliefs that are at complete variance to yours, your daugher will know. And I suspect that she wouldn’t last long in such an environment. Once the mind is open, it’s hard to close it off.
If this is a fundamentalist sort of situation, be warned that her friends may drop her if she shows no interest in getting saved and all of that. It happened to me. Apparently I asked too many questions and was a bad prospect, so my friend dropped me like a hot potato.
My mom thinks I’m conservative. Next to her, maybe I am.
For several years I refused to wear pants, only skirts or dresses. This bugged the hell out of her because she had gone to school right when girls were finally being ALLOWED to wear pants. Then her OWN DAUGHTER REFUSES TO.
What a difficult situation. A friend of mine became a total born again fundie after being taken to a new church by her new boyfriend (now husband) and has been a changed person ever since.
On the plus side, she is a very happy, devout and good person with a stable marriage and young family.
On the negative side, IMO she is fairly brainwashed, and expressed extremely intolerant, IMO completely unchristian views about the usual suspects (homosexuality, etc etc). She also cut off her friends for some time.
I guess you have to hope that (a) this church and religion thing is a bit of a phase, or at least that she is intelligent and confident enough never to stop questioning and challenging what she’s told (to avoid brainwashing) or (b) that this church is quite tame and safe, and not too cultish or extremist/intolerant.
My only advice would be to keep your fears to yourself as much as possible, and sound positive, open and interested in her church. That will at least give your position more weight if you need to take issue with dodgy doctrines.
Also with cults, the first things they are told to do is shut out and cut off from close friends and family members that disagree or try to dissuade members from the cult.
It still might be a Catholic church if she’s attending youth-oriented Masses, such as the Life Teen program. There’s some debate over the validity, or maybe just the substance, of LT Masses, but since they’re geared at younger peoples, this might accont for why she answered “Catholic.”
I don’t see the usefulness of even expressing your disapproval in this situation (given the information you’ve provided). If it’s not hurting her and she’s having fun, let it be.
I was raised very religiously. My parents are very devout. My mother became a minister while I was in high school, and my father teaches Sunday School. But although I still consider myself a believer, I’ve inherited only about 40% of my parents’ religiousity.
On the other hand, my mother–one of the most spiritual people I know–was raised by parents who were not very religious. Sometimes I doubt whether my grandmother believes in God (I’ve never asked). My mother was very much like your daughter growing up. As a teenager, she would visit her friends’ churches and Sunday School classes but when she became a “grown-up” with kids, she didn’t even go to church. It was my father who would drag us to church. Then something happened to her while I was in elementary school. She reached some sort of epiphany. Like I said earlier, now she’s an ordained minister. She gives sermons and everything.
My point is that your daughter is going to evolve spiritually in her own way. If you stand in her way even a smidgeon, you may risk turning her into a rebellious fanatic. But if you let her come into her own, in her own way, chances are she’ll find a way of knowing that’s not that different from your own views. I wouldn’t worry too much. In fact, I would be proud because it shows your daughter is growing up. Let her know you approve of this. She knows you disapprove of religion, but it won’t be good if she thinks you disapprove of her quest for spirituality.
