My daughter is a muppet

SHe’s 11 mos. old and I just realized that she’s not actually real. She’s actually one of those creatures invented by Jim Henson or George Lucas, and Ewok or a Jawa or something.

It’s so completely fake, I can’t believe I’ve been fooled for so long.

You see those big brown eyes? The way they just look up at you? It’s almost like a cartoon. Clearly designed to grab and hold my attention. These are the deep clear eyes that careful marketing research has determined will pull at my heartstrings. Same thing goes for that little button nose, tuft of hair and tiny little fingers. It’s like they are trying to tell me that she’s almost a little person or something.

There’s no way I’ll fall for it, though. It’s so obvious. The way she walks is completely unconvincing and not realistic at all. Really. I’ve seen better animotronics at Disneyland. SHe retracts her hands above her head and has theis stiff little waddle. It’s not credible at all.

The other thing is the smell. I’m a big sweaty guy. ten minutes out of the shower, and I stink. My daughter has this completely concocted warm cuddly smell. No way that’s human. No way that came from my genes.

The speech is kind of bad as well. It’s like her little electronic speech chip is too cheap to have a large vocabulary. There’s only about a hundred different sounds that this one makes “Toooka tooka toooka.” “Ga ba choo ba ba cah feesh” (This sounds so much like one of Lucas’ Star Wars creatures that I’ve examined her for a “Made by Industrial Light and Magic,” tag.

Every now and then though, usually after she’s made some big horrendous mess and say “Wuv Dada” and hold up her arms for me to pick her up. Am I supposed to fall for this? Come on. Nice try.

The skin though is done very well. I can’t find any seams, and I have no idea how they installed the battery. The problem here is that they made it too perfect. My daughter has no pores. Her skin is smooth and perfect. I have pores, my wife has good skin but she has pores. If my daughter isn’t a muppet, then where are her pores?

I’m sure they are putting Nicotine or heroin in her skin so that every time I pick her up and kiss her and smush her I get a fix. That’s the only explanation I have for why it feels so good. I can’t beleive they let them get away with it. Isn’t it illegal?

THe whole thing is a complete scam designed to make me work hard so that I can earn money to give her the best things in life, and to take up all my attention when I’m at home. I don’t know how Lucas is getting his money out of this, but I’ll find out. Mark my words.

What a transparent scheme. What kind of sucker do they think I am?

The whole thing is so obvious and cliche I can’t believe I fell for it lock stock and barrel.

I’ve been looking for a receipt, so that I can return her before her warranty runs out. I’m sure it only lasts 12 months. I can’t find it though.

I guess I’m stuck with her.

GOOD!! :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

Check and make sure your wife isn’t a Wookie.

I have the three-month old boy version, with sapphire blue eyes that twinkle. And an adorable squeak feature. Aren’t they the best???:wink:

I’m really glad I didn’t read this at work. Instructors aren’t supposed to sniffle.

One thing, though…beware of the “Record” feature. It’s always on, but you never know when they’re going to go into the “Playback” mode.

Hey, Tabathina, I got the blue-eyed boy version, too! He’s an older model…nearly three now.

Scylla, did you know that these muppets are SO technologically advanced that they actually grow? I mean, the crying and peeing and talking, that’s old news. The growing, though, that’s a whole new thing altogether. And when they get scrapes, they actually heal.

Pure brilliance.

Scylla…

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):slight_smile:

I feel the same way about my 6-month-old daughter, C. There’s no way this cute little thing was fabricated with my DNA!

Thanks for the cute diatribe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! :slight_smile:

Thanks guys.

All that and hair made of yarn too? I would like to see that. WOW!

HUGS!
Sqrl

Geeze, man. What are you trying to do, get me misty at work?

I think I have a similar model that was built around the same time as yours. What’s the born-on date on yours? Mine is Oct 28. She’ll be 11 months old this week.

You made me miss her already and I’ve only been at work for 2 hours.

Oh, man, I’m gonna post a link to this thread over in the “I’m Child-Free So Keep Your Rotten Kids Away From Me” discussion going on over in Great Debates. Make SOME people shrivel up and blow away.

Congrats, Scylla, glad she’s turning out so well. Soon she’ll be saying “Papa, you really should be GRILLING those steaks” in an adorable lisp.

Scylla, do me a favor? Print a copy of this for your little girl. When she’s reading and having one of those days when she feels like nobody likes her, she’ll treasure this. What a good, sweet daddy.

I don’t know whether to cry or throw up.

Congratualtions anyway, Scylla.

Great birthday! That’s mine too! But I’ll be 431 months old tomorrow.

431 months, AWB? Good heavens. How do fit in the car seat?

Grumble, grumble. Preview button. There should be a you in that question.

Wait till she turns 5 and gets to the “Gimme” stage. Then you’ll know… :wink:
Scylla, that was great. You have a lucky little girl there and it sounds like she has a lucky daddy.