SHe’s 11 mos. old and I just realized that she’s not actually real. She’s actually one of those creatures invented by Jim Henson or George Lucas, and Ewok or a Jawa or something.
It’s so completely fake, I can’t believe I’ve been fooled for so long.
You see those big brown eyes? The way they just look up at you? It’s almost like a cartoon. Clearly designed to grab and hold my attention. These are the deep clear eyes that careful marketing research has determined will pull at my heartstrings. Same thing goes for that little button nose, tuft of hair and tiny little fingers. It’s like they are trying to tell me that she’s almost a little person or something.
There’s no way I’ll fall for it, though. It’s so obvious. The way she walks is completely unconvincing and not realistic at all. Really. I’ve seen better animotronics at Disneyland. SHe retracts her hands above her head and has theis stiff little waddle. It’s not credible at all.
The other thing is the smell. I’m a big sweaty guy. ten minutes out of the shower, and I stink. My daughter has this completely concocted warm cuddly smell. No way that’s human. No way that came from my genes.
The speech is kind of bad as well. It’s like her little electronic speech chip is too cheap to have a large vocabulary. There’s only about a hundred different sounds that this one makes “Toooka tooka toooka.” “Ga ba choo ba ba cah feesh” (This sounds so much like one of Lucas’ Star Wars creatures that I’ve examined her for a “Made by Industrial Light and Magic,” tag.
Every now and then though, usually after she’s made some big horrendous mess and say “Wuv Dada” and hold up her arms for me to pick her up. Am I supposed to fall for this? Come on. Nice try.
The skin though is done very well. I can’t find any seams, and I have no idea how they installed the battery. The problem here is that they made it too perfect. My daughter has no pores. Her skin is smooth and perfect. I have pores, my wife has good skin but she has pores. If my daughter isn’t a muppet, then where are her pores?
I’m sure they are putting Nicotine or heroin in her skin so that every time I pick her up and kiss her and smush her I get a fix. That’s the only explanation I have for why it feels so good. I can’t beleive they let them get away with it. Isn’t it illegal?
THe whole thing is a complete scam designed to make me work hard so that I can earn money to give her the best things in life, and to take up all my attention when I’m at home. I don’t know how Lucas is getting his money out of this, but I’ll find out. Mark my words.
What a transparent scheme. What kind of sucker do they think I am?
The whole thing is so obvious and cliche I can’t believe I fell for it lock stock and barrel.
I’ve been looking for a receipt, so that I can return her before her warranty runs out. I’m sure it only lasts 12 months. I can’t find it though.
I guess I’m stuck with her.
GOOD!!