My daughter is the best pooper in the history of Earth

[HoneyBadgerDC]

65 here, toilet paper has always been more of a formality than a neccessity. I moved in with my girlfriend a few years ago and now I use more than I ever thought imaginable. I am convinced that our emotional state has more to do with our poop than the food we eat. Unless it could have something to do with me cutting cheese out of my diet.

[CalMeacham]

@Happy_Lendervedder

She’s only 2 1/2, and has been potty trained less than six months, but I’m ready to call this competition on her behalf already. She is the winner.

Every poop she’s taken in a toilet since becoming potty trained in July/August has been a no-wiper. Her buttocks have been completely devoid of feces each and every time she’s voided her bowels. Nary a dingle nor a dangler to be found.

I can’t prove it, but I suspect her butt cheeks are somehow cleaner *after *a shit than before. I simply don’t know she does it, but that’s how champions separate themselves from the rest of us.

So I declare, on the twentieth day of November in the year of our Lord two-thousand and thirteen, my daughter, Boo-Boo Lendervedder, is the best pooper in the history of the Earth. No one can beat her. If there are no challengers by 9pm tonight EST, I’m ordering the trophy and sash.

I know it seems like this to you down in the Amateur division, when you’ve blown away the local competition, but when you get into the stratospheric region of the semi-pro and pro divisions you’ll learn what real competition is.

If you’re going that route, be prepared for grueling sessions, with marathon runs of pooping. You’ll be up at all hours tending to her, and constantly feeding her. It’ll be like nothing you ever experienced.

And be ready for the Elimination rounds. Don’t be too disheartened when you conme up against a one year old who can already use an adult toilet. And flush.

[D18]

Don’t mean to threadshit . . .

But details on quantity are suspiciously absent from the OP. :dubious:

[Daylate]

OK, you guys know the rules. This means nothing without photographs!

[Lukeinva]

For real? No shit?

[Indian]

@D18

Don’t mean to threadshit . . .

But details on quantity are suspiciously absent from the OP. :dubious:

Will thisdo?

[Gyrate]

When my daughter was that age it was less about quality than quantity. I swear, for such a tiny person that girl could poop bigger than I could. She became legendary for blocking up the preschool’s toilets with her “outputs”, and she managed to block ours on at least two occasions. I mean, we’re not talking “a large-ish poop with a lot of toilet paper added” to cause the clog; she probably lost 10% of her bodyweight during some of these. She could poop for Britain.

Indeed, one of my favorite child utterances was when, having done another one of her whoppers, she emerged from the bathroom and announced “I pooped a walrus.”

[What_the]

Please forgive me for the thoughts that went thru my head when I first misread the title as “has the best pooper”…

[Happy_Lendervedder]

@Gyrate

When my daughter was that age it was less about quality than quantity. I swear, for such a tiny person that girl could poop bigger than I could. She became legendary for blocking up the preschool’s toilets with her “outputs”, and she managed to block ours on at least two occasions. I mean, we’re not talking “a large-ish poop with a lot of toilet paper added” to cause the clog; she probably lost 10% of her bodyweight during some of these. She could poop for Britain.

Indeed, one of my favorite child utterances was when, having done another one of her whoppers, she emerged from the bathroom and announced “I pooped a walrus.”

Now *that’s *funny.

[Prof.Pepperwinkle]

…and the fairies bestowed their blessings on the newborn: to Belinda was granted wisdom, to Beatrix was granted beauty, and then it came the turn of the Potty Fairy to bestow her gift…

[KneadToKnow]

@Gyrate

“I pooped a walrus.”

@Happy_Lendervedder

Now *that’s *funny.

Concur. I nominate “I pooped a walrus” to be the next big SDMB meme.