My Ex-Wife Died. No one told me. A year and ten days ago

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I know I’ve not been as present on the 'Dope as I was previously, but, in my mind, there’s no place in the world like the SDMB to air this.

My ex-wife died, and although we had no children, and I’m remarried and have children with my current wife, my ex-wife is dead and everything is worse now.

I started writing about her in some of my conversations here. Mostly in threads that involved dental advice, because she was a dentist up until the point I married her. The first time I mentioned her, though, was long before I knew of log reductions, food safety, etc., and wondered if she was trying to kill me. I learned a lot in that thread, including that she most likely wasn’t trying to kill me.

I’d met her in 1999 while I was working on the road. My entire career has been “on the road,” but “on the road” didn’t survive my on-the-road China assignment from 2011 to 2016. There were a lot of mistakes on both sides and you can believe that I’m tailoring this towards my point of view, but I married a racist, closed minded person. When her dad had some severe medical issues, she left me. I didn’t realize she had left me at the time, just that the absence to be with her family grew longer and longer and longer until it was clear she wasn’t coming back.

I didn’t hate her, but skipping a lot of details, it ended in divorce, eventually, which was hard to accomplish with a Mexican Catholic. Her closeted by obviously gay younger brother had been separated from his wife and mother of his children since 1999 without divorce; such is the culture.

I guess she spun only her point of view after the divorce and returned to her hometown. Although we communicated fairly regularly, at some point it stopped. It kept trying, but no response. I reached out to her family for updated contact information, but no response, so I guess they were poisoned against me. I loved those people, and still do. But they might as not exist, I suppose.

She wasn’t easily googleable, being computer illiterate and having no interest in social media. But today I came across the Periódico Oficial del Gobierno del Estado de Guanajuato with estate information in her name.

She died. One year and 10 days ago. And no one contacted me. No one emailed. No one called. None of our family, none of our nieces and nephews, and none of our mutual friends. I suppose all of those relationships cease upon divorce for 99% of matters, but for death? Seriously? No one could inform me? I had to find out via a court ordered announcement in a government publication?

My current wife has been supportive of my distress, because, yes, I’m distressed (thank you, babe!). I didn’t hate this woman, despite the strife. I didn’t want her to die, and although I knew she was sick and being supportive, I didn’t know she was on her deathbed. She was in remission only three months before her death, according to our latest interactive communication. Sick, but in remission. (By the way, fuck cancer,)

I need to have some (more) tequila in her honor. We met over some Don Julio, so I guess it seems fitting to say goodbye over some Don Julio, although I would have attended a funeral to say goodbye, if there was one during 2021 COVID in Mexico. But I don’t know, because no one fucking contacted me.

I have no idea how she died. COVID? Breast cancer complications? Bad fall from the osteoarthritis caused by the chemo? Suicide? I don’t know, because no one fucking contacted me.

I’m pissed. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I didn’t want to be her husband, but I didn’t want her to die.

RIP, Margarita pronounced like the drink.

2

It’s never easy, falling out with someone you were once madly in love with. That happened to me very recently, though it was a girlfriend, not a wife.

3

Sorry for your loss. I am raising a glass for Margarita.

4

I’m very sorry to hear this, Balthisar. It can’t be easy. Best wishes, and if it’s any consolation, I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

5

Very tough.

I can easily imagine it wasn’t a case of “Don’t notify Balthisar !”, but rather that no one felt it was their duty to do so: “I’m sure someone else will handle that.”

6

I am very sorry for your loss.

And it is a loss, no matter how much you’d moved on.

7

My first wife and I had a tenuous but generally friendly relationship for many years, until her political views and mine clashed one too many times. She cut off all contact with me. Her health at the time was not the best, and I suspect if she dies first, I’ll be lucky to find out about it by accident. And I will mourn her just the same.

8

Dayum. That’s a mess. My then-current wife died of cancer about the same date as the OP’s. Like the OP I have a new and successful life now. He & I just made the changes in a different sequence.

I can say it was not easy when I was there at the time and I don’t think it’s any easier when you (OP) only find out a year later. Sympathies my friend; you have all I have to give.

About all I can suggest is don’t add an assumption of malice to all the other crap you’re now having to process. As @3AxisCtrl says, it was almost certainly more a matter of everyone assuming someone else did or should, rather than a deliberate plot to hurt you. You’ve burdens enough here, don’t go digging for more.

I hope your new family is supportive as you work through this shock. If not, or even if they are, come back here to talk as you feel the want; don’t wait until it’s a need. We’re all here for you.

9

I concur.

My condolences and best wishes, in any case.

10

Sorry to hear about your loss, and sorry that no one told you.

When my cousin died, I sought out his ex-wife and made sure that she learned about it – I knew she’d want to know.

11

I did not notify my brother’s ex wife when he died. They had no children together and were not part of each other’s lives. He lived in IL and she lives in NM. Once they divorced, she remarried, had children, and we drifted apart. I saw no reason to let her know about his death.

12

I think in this thread you’d be seeing the reason.

I agree, however, that the particular case may not have been malice, but accident; or even, as peedin’s post shows, a mistaken assumption that an ex wouldn’t care. And I expect some exes don’t care; but it’s not a safe assumption to make.

13

This does suck. My uncle died in late 2019 at 93. We’d been fairly close in my 20s and 30s, but somewhat drifted apart in recent times. I wrote him an email to try and reconnect a little, and was informed by my aunt he had passed away a couple weeks earlier. I felt the same way as the OP - no one could let me know he was ill, or that he was nearing the end? So I send my aunt and two cousins some photos (in email) I had of him, and my aunt replies to all “Oh! Look who it is!” as in surprise, like I am some old colleague or aquaintance. I was belatedly extended an invite to his memorial service as an afterthought, but declined to attend.

Never heard from the family again, but did learn this year (2022) my aunt died four months after him, and no one informed me of that, either.

I dont blame my cousins for not reaching out to me in either case - they barely acknowledged I exist, but my aunt was well-aware of my relationship with my uncle, and chose to deny me info about his final weeks. I just dont understand it, like the OP, why no one would tell me.

14

People facing an impending death of a loved one, or those who just lost a loved one, are in very confusing / confused emotional states. Lots of stuff is “just too hard”. Self-care may be the only care many of those people can muster at the time. And often not nearly enough of even that. “Overwhelmed” is the only word I have for my experience of the month before and month after she died.

In my own case, the folks who were immediate family or well-versed in my wife’s decline found out via email I sent the day after her death overnight. Other older friends & co-workers from her / our history found out via emails sent over the next weekish. There’s an enduring sludge of old contacts in her / my / our contacts list that have never been notified. Some of whom are cousins or similar relatives she’d not seen in 30 years. For many of those, the ancient contact info we have may well be obsolete, and further efforts by me to contact them would be difficult or futile.

Not everyone uses Facebook or the equivalent as their personal communication tool; we sure didn’t. The easy mass-blast capability there and the more-or-less self-maintaining nature of contact info there is helpful in cases like this. But not helpful enough for me to use it.

15

As you shared the story, they sounded very much like my husband’s extended family, who are also from Mexico. I can so easily see the events falling out exactly as described. My condolences on your loss. I hope this ending does not outweigh the good times that you shared.

16

I left the punchline off my post 2 above.

Which is simply that while I have great sympathy for @Balthisar, I can also feel some empathy for Margarita’s family who didn’t promptly contact him. And that once it didn’t happen quickly, the odds are that it would have never happened / will never happen. The river of time flows swiftly.

17

Thank you for the condolences, everyone.

I hope it’s not malicious. I’d actually tried to reach out to the ex-extended family before I discovered her death. I understand that cellular numbers might not be portable in Mexico, that people change email addresses, and the old allegory about everybody, somebody, anybody, and nobody.

I love(d) these people, and don’t want to think the worst of them. I already think the worst of myself right now. I hope it was a misunderstanding. On the other hand, it could have been a last request from my ex-wife to not communicate with me. I don’t know. I thought we were on good terms, but I only know my mind, and not hers.

I’ve tried reaching out to one person on Facebook that was a mutual friend. She’s a respectable person (however you want to interpret that), so I hope she’ll give me the time of day, so to speak. I’ll see.

I’m grieving, but there’s an animal part of my brain that still doesn’t accept the loss is real. I expect to be hit much harder in a week or two. I’ve lost relatives much, much closer to me in the last few years, and this is nothing like that. Completely unexpected how this affects me.

18

I feel for you. I expect that it just didn’t occur to them to tell you or they thought that you wouldn’t be interested and it would be awkward or that they all assumed that someone else must have told you.

When my dad died, it wasn’t easy to get ahold of everyone and we easily could have missed someone. His ex-wife is my mom and so of course she knew.

Maybe it’s a good idea for one to keep a list of people to inform along with the will and other important paperwork.

19

My condolences.

As we go through Life, we give pieces of ourselves to people. You are grieving for those pieces you still hold of your ex wife, and regardless of how you ended things between the two of you, you still hold those pieces.

Grieve as you need to. As you should.

~VOW

20

Am I the only one who’s seeing dates for posts in this thread which, together with the content suggest that time travel has been perfected, and no one told me?

Condolences to the OP, whatever dimension he’s in.