The death of exes and former lovers

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yesterday I heard from the daughter of a former boyfriend (2002-2008) that he had died peacefully in his sleep. He was 71 (I’m 73). That relationship was fraught on its best day, and I can’t explain why I stayed in it as long as I did. Goodness knows, I’ve given that question plenty of thought. We never lived together, thank goodness, and shuttled back and forth between his house in the city and mine in the country (that was an ideal arrangement logistically).

I very likely saved his live in 2004 when I drove him to the ER after he experienced chest pains while mowing the lawn (mercifully, at his house in the city, not at my remote location). He had quad bypass surgery five days later. I did some other good things for him. He was an active alcoholic when we met (another WTF question), and in early 2007 I had been in alanon for a while, and I badgered him into going to an AA meeting (which I know is simply not done). I said, “Just go ONCE. Don’t tell me anything about it or report to me. Just do this one thing one time!” Miraculously, he did go to that first meeting and there he met His Tribe. It was a roomful of troubled, struggling guys just like him, and they took him to their collective bosom (as it were). He was an only child like me.

He and I still needed to break up and eventually I made that happen about a year later. We had a little contact for a few months, then lost touch. I’m still close to, and in touch with his twin daughters, and having them in my life was something good that came out of that relationship for me.

I had been curious about whether he was still sober but I didn’t want to ask. Yesterday when she called, I did ask, and she said yes, he was still sober. I was glad to hear that. Alas, he had never given up smoking and had stage 4 lung cancer. His life was a train wreck, not just health-wise, but financially and emotionally. My head really exploded when she told me he had become a full-on trump-worshiping, QAnon-loving, Hillary-hating, conspiracy theory believer. He had a QAnon t-shirt that he wore to chemotherapy. :scream: He had really gone off the deep end. He was the farthest thing from a Texas redneck-- a pot-smoking music major and lover of classical music. I pulled him into the college choir where he became a soloist, and I also involved him in a Jewish choir and he the rabbi got to be buddies.

Anyhoo, when you’ve moved along with your life for years and get the news that an ex has died, it leaves you with a mish-mash of feelings. I didn’t miss him. After I dumped him, I was euphoric. I’d never have gone back to him. We shared a few good moments, some meaningful moments, but my dominant impression looking back is standing in a rowboat on the open sea in a storm, arguing. I guess I loved him for a while. I certainly never hated him. But it was a mess I needed to get out of.

What was it like for you when you got word an ex had died?

2

My goodness. I’ve written a few paragraphs in response to this, then thought better of it. Someone out there might still be laboring under the impression that I’m a kindly and good-hearted person. It just ain’t so. :black_heart:

3

I don’t think I can or should post any details at all, but I’ve experienced this, and it was a gut-punch. The death was very sudden and unexpected, less than 10 years after we’d broken up. I didn’t carry a torch while he lived, and don’t now, but have nothing but fond memories and sometimes miss him. I stayed in touch with his sister for a few years, but we’ve drifted apart. My life’s fine, but his was not, and it’s a sad deal.

4

I was idly googling people I know a few weeks back, and decided to google ex-girlfriends for some reason. Anyway, it turns out that one of mine apparently passed away of MS about 5 years ago.

I feel strange about it. I was the one who did the dumping (nothing wrong with her- I had just found someone else I was more interested in) , so I haven’t pined for her for the intervening 19 years, but I had googled her about 7 years ago, and had seen that she was married, had kids, etc… and now I just feel sad that they’re now without their wife and mother. And it’s definitely a pretty hard reminder of my own mortality; it’s not someone in their 70s, 80s or 90s, but someone in their early 40s who I knew.

5

Hmmm… I wouldn’t mind a teeny bit more detail about what you mean here. Don’t post life details if you don’t want to… but what do you mean by what you said?

6

Same here!

7

No fair!

8

Hey @ThelmaLou thank you for sharing your experience, though.

ETA. I’ve reread your OP a few times. Im sorry for your loss.

9

Without detail, I just mean to say that if I didn’t get along with someone in life, I won’t be shedding any tears for them if they die, and may even celebrate.

I did hear that the first boy I ever kissed died when he was only about thirty years old, of cancer. I hadn’t kept in touch or anything, so it was more of a “Huh! He certainly was young.”

10

11

Back in college, I was friends-with-benefits/fuck buddies with a guy on the football team (we’ll call him Bill), and then dated one of his friends for a couple years (we’ll call him Alex). Right around the time I turned 30, I heard news that Alex’s brother, who had been on the football team with both these guys, had committed suicide. A couple months later, I heard that Bill had committed suicide, and given the timing, I wondered if the first suicide had inspired the second.

A “mish-mash” of feelings is a good way to put it. Since these guys were out of my life and had been for years, it didn’t really affect my life at all. But to hear that two former friends of mine had been suffering enough to take their own lives did cause some feelings of empathy in me, and therefore some sadness.

It also made me think back to the whole football team culture. You could tell that all the guys wanted to feel cool and as though they belonged, but once you had been to enough parties, sat in on the lunch table conversations, and listened to the gossip in the boys dorm rooms, it was clear that only about half a dozen of the guys really belonged, and the others were trying desperately to fake it enough that outsiders wouldn’t be able to detect that they weren’t “one of the cool ones.” Alex was one of the half dozen cool guys, but Bill and Alex’s brother were not, and it made me think about how maybe they spent their whole lives pretending to be okay because they were too ashamed to admit that they weren’t.

12

When it happened to me I found I didn’t care at all. She was a piece of work, and I was glad I was no longer with her. Her dying didn’t bring any feelings up from the depths.

On the other hand, when a mutual friend told me that an ex’s husband had died, that did shock me. Mostly because I never knew she was married! Apparently, she was good at keeping secrets.

13

There was a girl I was infatuated with when I was in grad school. We dated for about 6 months and then she dumped me. When I read about her death in the alumni magazine a couple years ago, I was saddened. Somebody sent me a full obituary and I was happy to learn that she had a full and productive life with one daughter.

14

Aw, thanks.

15

I have got to stop googling old friends… found out one of my best friends had settled in a desert in Asia, and died there. Another moved back to our hometown, and died there. Sigh…

Looked up the woman that I’d been assuming I’d marry, before I met my now-wife…
There was an obituary from twenty years ago… we would’ve had a short time together, most of it watching her fighting horrible diseases.

So in this case, nothing but sadness…

16

Around oh, 30 years ago, I had a FWB that was around 10 years older than me. She was much too analytical about our relationship, because she thought that the age difference was too great to work in the long run. I lost touch with her, and a few years ago, I thought about her, and did a Google search, and almost nothing came up.I thought that was really odd, since even if one is pretty careful about their Internet footprint, usually something shows up. One thing that did show up was an endowment named after her. A few months later, I happened to be talking to a woman at the gym, and it turned out that she was active in the same circles as we were, and I asked her if she knew my friend. She said that she knew her very well. I told her how I had tried to uncover some information on her, and- nothing. She said, “Oh, that’s because she died of breast cancer 20 years ago.”

:frowning_face:

Even though we never worked as a couple, it was a sad shock to hear that.

17

I’ve been trying to find out if my first boyfriend died or has just ghosted me. He tracked me down 20-some years ago, and we exchanged emails on and off since then, sharing photos of our kids, stuff like that. Then a couple of years ago, I wrote to him, mostly to vent about a family situation, and I never heard back. A few months later, I emailed again - nothing. Last year, I made one last attempt with an e-card on his birthday - again, nothing.

He has (had?) a very common name so googling would be a shot in the dark. I checked obits in the last place I knew he was living - nothing. I know he had some health issues, so maybe he did die but his kids didn’t bother with an announcement? Guess I’ll never know.

Then again, I haven’t seen him since 1976, so it’s not like there’s a gaping hole in my life.

18

My ex abusive fiance and stalker for almost 25 years died 5ish years ago. Nothing more than a sigh of relief.

One of my dearest friends, knew him through gaming originally, met online in '99 passed Jan 2021, not covid - heart attack. We knew he had a heart condition, and thought it was under control. It may sound freaky, but I will still send him emails to his gmail account. I was the only one to have that particular email address for him, so I have lots of storage space before I fill it up. I let him know good or ill of my week - it helps me deal with not having him around. If I ever get to Munich, I know where his grave is so I can avisit it.

19

I lost an old lover from the '70s a year ago, a mutual friend texted me she had died in a car accident. I was very shocked and saddened, she was one of my exes I maintained a good relationship with even after we broke up. We both went on to marry others, she had kids. We had only reconnected on social media about a year before, and I enjoyed bantering with her online. After she died, our mutual friend said she thought very highly of me. It was hard to lose a friend like that. Even though I hadn’t seen her since the '80s, it was comforting to know she was still around. I feel a loss now, knowing I live in a world without her in it.

20

First boyfriend died in his 50s, he had heart problems. We broke up amicably and called once in a while. He came to visit me and my son. I felt sad that we’d never talk again. Other guy, I was like Good riddance!