My father-in-law is being a fucking bully

[Sat_on_Cookie]

@Elza B

My family is up in arms - my mother is pissed, and my sister is about to come down here and kick his ass (then again, she already can’t stand him because he was an asshole to her at the wedding). My dad is trying to stay calm, but I can tell he’s pissed, too. And still, my husband doesn’t understand what’s wrong. My parents know my financial situation in full, but that’s because they are my PARENTS and they are my friends - I asked them for advice because I respect them. I’m not used to being bullied by a parent, nor do I find it acceptable.

Am I being a complete child about this? .

Others have given you some good advice. I just want to point out that the above paragraph really stuck out when I read it. I’d like to gently suggest refraining from getting your entire family involved in these kinds of things. That’s the only thing I see you doing that is somewhat childish. Trust me, I’ve been there done that and calling up mom, dad, sis, brother and family dog to complain (or bounce it off of…wink wink) only makes for a big, giant gooey mess. I understand your parents know your financial situation but that doesn’t really have anything to do with this particular situation, does it?

I think your FIL sounds like a Giant Jerk, but it also sounds like nothing that cannot be handled by you or your husband (or both of you) having a firm, adult conversation with him.

[Ink_a_dink_a_dink]

@Elza B

I am still so pissed off that I can barely speak, but this has been going on for two, almost three days now.

First time I’ve posted but I’ve been lurking for over a year now, and I definitely have something to add.

After five years in real estate, I can tell you without hesitation that your FIL is being an outrageous jerk.

Your real estate agent has no right to ask you about finances, other than have you been pre-approved, what kind of earnest money do you have to put down, and what price range she/he/they should be searching in.

They have no say in what lenders you use, they have no say in what vetting process you go through, they have no say in whose name will be on the mortgage, or how the financial things behind the scene will go.

Their job, plain and simple, is to find you a home, write up the contract, and write up any counter offers. Because, unless you signed a buyer’s agent contract with him, technically ALL agents work as agents of the seller.

Tell you FIL he is walking the line and you are thinking of reporting him to his RE office and the National Association of Realtors and the MLS board (if there’s one in your area). What he is doing is beyond his scope as an agent, it is insulting, it’s none of his business, it’s unprofessional, and it’s enough to get his licence revoked.

That he is a member of family gives him no excuse to go beyond the bounds of his dutues as a real estate agent. If he were acting as a father in law only, I would say he’s being an asshole. That he’s doing it under the guise of being your agent is reprehensible.

Tell him you’re not filling out his application, you’ve been pre-qual’ed and that’s all he needs to know. Unless he is putting money down, it’s none of his (because it’s the pit) fucking business.

Let your husband read this, and if he has any questions, send him my way. I’d be glad to explain this thoroughly. And I’ll send him a backbone, free of charge. (Sorry, the last part was a joke.)

Good luck.

PS - Seriously, refuse. It’s not legal for him to put his nose in.

[Elza_B]

@Sat on Cookie

Others have given you some good advice. I just want to point out that the above paragraph really stuck out when I read it. I’d like to gently suggest refraining from getting your entire family involved in these kinds of things. That’s the only thing I see you doing that is somewhat childish. Trust me, I’ve been there done that and calling up mom, dad, sis, brother and family dog to complain (or bounce it off of…wink wink) only makes for a big, giant gooey mess. I understand your parents know your financial situation but that doesn’t really have anything to do with this particular situation, does it?

I think your FIL sounds like a Giant Jerk, but it also sounds like nothing that cannot be handled by you or your husband (or both of you) having a firm, adult conversation with him.

Crap - I had a response and the hamsters ate it.

Long story short, I know it’s childish - I’m not the one doing it, my mother is (I’ve talked to my parents, that’s it - I haven’t discussed any of this with my sister or other family members). If it comes down to it, I’ll apologize to my FIL, and I’ve asked my mom to stop letting it go the rounds of the family game of Telephone.

Ink a dink a dink, thanks. (And I smiled:)). I’ll show that to my husband tonight. We had a talk at lunch and he and I are okay - we’re going to go to my IL’s tonight to discuss this with them if necessary. I also have a call to the lender and I’ll go by what he tells me. Basically, if he tells me it’s not necessary, I"m not doing it. Period.

E.

[Elza_B]

@Dag Otto

As I understand it, a realtor is required to present any offer the the seller, even if the realtor thinks it’s a ridiculous offer. I guess he’s acting like an ass because he feels he can do that to family. I’d suggest that you contact the seller or the seller’s agent and just simply ask them if they have received you offer from your agent. They will certainly be interested and contact your father-in-law to see what the hold up is. Maybe getting the other realtor involved will prompt him to act like a professional. If not, I’d consider another realtor. I’d be livid if the house was sold by the time the offer was finally presented to the seller.

I completely missed this - you just touched on my biggest fear - that the house is going to be snatched out from under us while he treads water. And it will be very rare to find two deals like this in a matter of months - the house is perfect for us, and there’s no reason for us NOT to take it. It needs NO work, it’s big enough that we can stay in it for years, and it’s in our price range. So that’s all we need to know at this point.

E.

[Elza_B]

Update- I’m still burning pissed at my father-in-law, but as far as the lender, I spoke with him and I feel much better. He said that he wanted me to send him my info to see if a. they could either put me on the mortgage or b. he could help me out with my debt and see if we could do something in terms of paying it off or down or taking care of it. He is a really nice guy and he did assure me that anything I sent him and anything he found would NOT be discussed with my FIL - he didn’t discuss anything about my husband with my FIL - apparently, a lot of this is my FIL being difficult.

So I do feel much, much better right now. I sent the lender my information, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be on the mortgage, but he assured me that it would NOT change anything that we’ve already done and it would not affect the loan to my husband. I had already discussed borrowing against my life insurance with my parents today to pay off my debt, so maybe this is a good thing.

If the lender had called me to tell me these things, it wouldn’t have been such an issue. But my FIL was abrasive and rude and nasty, and that’s what put me off so badly. We will still have to deal with these control issues, and I have a feeling we’ll deal with them very soon, but the loan in my husband’s name is safe. And my husband and I are much better. He finally admitted in email that I’m right and we’ll decide how to handle it tonight.

E.

[5que]

@Shagnasty

Her parents called me and told me that they wanted to “buy me out” if we got a divorce. Buying out meant giving me back my original $15,000 that I had contributed to the down-payment. Nevermind the fact that our house had appreciated almost $300,000 through the work the we BOTH busted our ass on every waking hour for 2 1/2 years.

I know when I made the downpayment on my first house, I had to certify that the money was NOT a loan. My father gave us $5000 for it, and after my divorce, we wanted the money back (I moved out and the ex- stayed in the house with our daughter). He even threatened a lien against the property. I told him he had no standing since there was no proof that the $5000 was to be paid back. Plus it really wasn’t helping me out to have to deal with HIM along with the ex-wife and leaving my daughter.

As for the OP, having just bought a townhouse through a realtor friend, they HAVE to present an offer to the seller. It was in the contract. If he won’t, report his ass and get a lawyer.

[MXR90]

Your husband is asking for something I am sure he will be sorry for. Tell him to stop being a big pussy and stand by you on this, you both made sound decisions based on what was right for you two. Your father in law is being a control freak and a nosey idiot, tell him to piss off.

[Elza_B]

@MXR90

Your husband is asking for something I am sure he will be sorry for. Tell him to stop being a big pussy and stand by you on this, you both made sound decisions based on what was right for you two. Your father in law is being a control freak and a nosey idiot, tell him to piss off.

Well, everything seems to have come out a little better tonight. I talked to the lender, and he told me things are not as bad as I expected them to be - we can go ahead with the loan as planned, but he said that if I wanted, I could come in to talk to him about budgeting and getting my debt down - I am TOTALLY happy to do that. I would love to get it all paid down faster, and he did say that he isn’t allowed to say a word to my FIL about it. So we have an appointment with him on Tuesday.

I called my FIL today, and tried to stay calm. I informed him that everything with the lender is fine and he said we could proceed as planned, and that we want to put an offer on the house. He did point out something to me, which is a good point - we’re trying to make sure a zoning issue isn’t going to become a problem in the future and he wants a couple of more days to deal with that and call the city council. So I understand that, although we’d prefer to make an offer tomorrow.

I’m still beyond pissed with my FIL, but my husband and I had a long talk tonight at dinner. This is something we’re going to have to deal with, and we’ll have to deal with it soon. He knows that and he knows I was right in this. So it’s something we are going to have to deal with, but we’ll need to pick our battles.

Basically, if we aren’t putting an offer in by Wednesday, we will tackle this and tackle it head -on. Even so, there’s going to be a long talk between us and his parents very soon. It’s just a matter of timing.

E.

[Athena]

@Elza B

So I understand that, although we’d prefer to make an offer tomorrow.

Y’know, you can make an offer with contingencies. Like, “This offer is void if the zoning problem isn’t addressed the way we’d like.”

It’s not even an odd thing. Pretty much every offer I’ve ever put on a house had things like loan approval and a good inspection as a contingency. Adding something like the zoning thing you mention is no big deal.

Really, it sounds as if your F-i-L is being a dope. Most realtors JUMP at the chance to put an offer on a piece of property, even with contingencies. Is it really worth it for him to be your agent?

[duffer]

Elza B, I’ve never worked Real Estate (though I was an auto salesman for a while) I’m not a lawyer, I’ve never worked in a bank’s finance dept, and I’ve never dealt with a direct family member on anything close to a mortgage. So this is all anecdotal. AND IN NO WAY IS DIRECTED AT YOU PERSONALLY!

I would like to give you an outsider’s view of possibilities that I’ve seen in financing. Both on your side and on FiL’s side.

On your side: Your husband already qualified for the mortgage. That should be good enough for getting the financing on the house. No matter your real estate broker, he qualified. Loan is good as gold. And he’s married to you, not his daddy. His housing concern should give you priority. (I’d jump on his lack of sack, but I don’t know the full situation.) Hell, I’ve ranted about my BiL concerning cell bills and rent, but nothing that comes close to a 30 year commitment.

Now on his side: (Keep in mind, devil’s advocate and all that, but maybe what he’s thinking)

You’ve been married 3 months. (May I ask how old both of you are? It will help fill in some blanks.) If your credit score is low enough to disqualify you, his dad may be looking out for your husband’s best interests. In that he wants you both to wait the year or two to get the credit rating in order before taking on the largest investment either one of you will ever make. Defaulting on a mortage is to bankruptcy as killing a random stranger is to slapping your cousin. Bad things, but wildly different long-term consequences. In addition, maybe FiL doesn’t think the marriage will last and his son will be stuck with the mortgage while you get the house. (Again, random speculation as we don’t know the full background) I’m taking worst-case-scenario. Us Devil’s Advocates tend to do that.

Also, keep in mind that even those earning 6 figures a year don’t always have the best credit scores. My dad earned $120,000 in 1982 and filed Chapter 7. Creditors don’t care what you make. They care if the bills get paid.

I can offer advice from what my experience is, though it may be bunk. Either your FiL is really looking out for you both and trying to save you from jumping into a 30 year commitment too soon. Or he’s a douchbag. In which case you need to find a new realtor. Given you’ve been married 3 months and your entire family is pissed about this, I have the feeling we’re missing something in this story.

Whatever happens, I hope it works out for both of you. And when you celebrate your 10[sup]th[/sup] anniversary toast yourselves on working it out in your own home.

[Martin_Hyde]

Well firstly it is your life so you can always just tell your FIL to butt out if need be.

Secondly I really can see where he is coming from. I have six siblings, I have three brothers and two of them have gone through nasty divorces. My dad is a very financially secure man, and both times he’s lost probably $50,000+ helping my brothers get their lives back in order after particularly nasty divorces.

From a father’s standpoint I see no problem with his underlying motives. I personally wouldn’t even support my son getting a house within 3 months of being married unless he and the wife were well off and had been going out for a very long time before getting married. I’d disaude it to the point of saying I wouldn’t be giving him any financial help if the marriage went awry.

The problem is of course he’s mingling his (imo) legitimate interest as the father with his responsibilities as a realtor. Which he is definitely in the wrong for.

Don’t even mention going after his license or trying to get him in trouble. I love my wife but if she ruined my father’s career over anything as trivial as this I’d have divorce papers filed within the week.

[Zoe]

Some things are much more important than getting the house that you want. One of them is setting boundaries early in your marriage.

Don’t be afraid of the arguments and tell your husband not to be afraid. The process of working through these things can be the very thing that makes your marriage stronger. It doesn’t hurt to occasionally point to the ring on your finger from time to time and remind him, “Hey, I’m on your side.”

Let your husband know that the privacy that you TWO share is more important to you than anything else and that you are going to stop sharing any of your business and private difficulties with your family except for frivilous and silly things. Ask him to do the same.

Let him know that you know that it is not easy to set boundaries with his father, but that he can learn to tell his father in respectful ways that some matters are private. One of my favorite techniques is the “broken record” technique. It goes like this:

“Dad, I don’t mean you any disrespect, but I’ve (or we’ve) decided to handle this on my (or our) own.”

Then, no matter what Dad says, just repeat it. Dad may go through the roof, but you or your husband will feel a lot calmer just sticking to that and leaving it alone and not arguing with Dad. Don’t answer any of his questions. Don’t yell. Just be a broken record.

Please don’t shut his family out. Encourage peaceful family relationships as far as possible unless both of you agree that it is necessary or until you have no other option.

Whatever you do, do not share your credit record with your FIL or with anyone who would share it with him. You might never hear the end of it.

DtC, I have to disagree with you. Sometimes people have to learn how to stand up to their parents and it can take some of us longer than others. If you’ve had a very good parent, they have prepared you for independence. If you have a physically brutal parent, you know to get away as soon as you can. If your parent is emotionally manipulative and you are vulnerable to manipulative, the parent may have to mess up pretty badly before you can see the truth. People continue to change even as they age.

[Elza_B]

@Athena

Really, it sounds as if your F-i-L is being a dope. Most realtors JUMP at the chance to put an offer on a piece of property, even with contingencies. Is it really worth it for him to be your agent?

I don’t think so, but I think it would just cause MORE family strife to cut him out, you know? I’m going to mention the contingency offer to him - we’d both prefer to get an offer in sooner rather than later, so that’s a good piece of advice - thanks.

@duffer

Whatever happens, I hope it works out for both of you. And when you celebrate your 10th anniversary toast yourselves on working it out in your own home.

Duffer, you do make good points. I think the biggest problem I have with FIL is that because HE made some mistakes when he was younger, he’s determined not to have his son follow that path. HE got married for the first time in a large wedding - so when we decided to have a large, family wedding (my large family is about 75 with parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and great-aunt Mary in Virginia Beach), he made all kinds of disparaging remarks. Honestly, he was a complete ass during all of our planning - and my husband and I initially wanted a Vegas wedding, but by the time we started the guest list for Vegas, we ended up with as many people as we would have in my hometown except a few random folks, and my grandparents. And my grandparents are older and couldn’t have traveled all the way to Vegas from FL, so we just decided on the traditional wedding at home. Well, you’d think we’d just wrestled his inheritance away from him. I couldn’t mention anything about the wedding AROUND him, not even TO him, without him being rude about it - and I tried not to mention it unless my MIL asked how things were going. He thought having three bridesmaids was excessive, he thought we were going over the top, he hated that we were being married by a minister (my UNCLE, who has done every cousin’s wedding! And my husband loves my uncle and had no problem with the Christian ceremony- my uncle is a very cool, very liberal guy. He performs gay marriages, for crying out loud - which my FIL is in full support of.). All because his first marriage, which was a large wedding, ended in divorce. So God forbid WE have a large wedding, even though our relationship is NOTHING like his first marriage.

As well, I’ve recently decided to convert to Catholicism. I am not asking my husband to do so, nor am I asking him to even go to church with me. He dislikes organized religion for the most part, and I respect that. Well, when my mother-in-law asked how my classes were going one day in earshot, he got all pissy and started going off on the Catholic Church. I have enough respect for him not to disparage his views, and I don’t think it’s asking too much to expect the same in return. The fact is, my husband is ten times more responsible than his father was at the same age - and if he wasn’t comfortable with buying this house, COMPLETELY comfortable, we wouldn’t be doing it. We put off a ‘real’ honeymoon and went to Pennsylvania for a couple of days because he didn’t think we could afford a real honeymoon. Believe me, it may seem like I take a lot of initiative, and I do sometimes in getting things started, but if he didn’t want to do this, we wouldn’t have gotten this far.

To answer your question, I’m 29, and my husband is 27. My FIL has provided NO help whatsoever to my husband since college, and even then, my husband went to school on full scholarship. Most of my debt came from living in NYC and trying to break into writing. I have recognized that, and I have already said that I will never make the same mistake again of being in debt. I don’t necessarily think that it’s my FIL thinking that the marriage won’t last, I think it’s a control issue with him - he HAS to have everything his way or the highway. I told my husband last night that he’s making me feel like this little golddigging brat who’s only out to steal her husband’s money, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. I adore my husband, and I would do anything for him. He’s my best friend, and while we have our issues like all couples, I can’t imagine my life without him. We’re determined to work through whatever problems we have, and that includes my debt - which is nowhere near as bad as I thought. But if we had to live in a cardboard box and pee in a cup, I would still be deliriously happy just to be married to him. We are extremely committed to making our marriage work, and we even said that the fact that our argument was affecting us both SO badly was an indication of that.

And you’re right - there is a larger reason that my family dislikes him. It’s because he spent the entire wedding weekend SCREAMING at various members of my family for very stupid reasons (my mother because he had to drop my MIL and husband’s grandmother off at the house for the bridesmaids’ luncheon on Friday and it would interfere with his second round of golf - although he knew about it weeks before, and my sister because he didn’t want to be introduced at the reception, and was yelling at her before the ceremony - I have pictures of it, and I have never seen my sister look quite so angry before - and it takes a lot to piss her off). I feel like I’m always apologizing for FIL because he can be SO nasty and rude to anyone he comes in contact with. And my family saw that at the wedding - so yeah, they’re probably holding a bit of a grudge against him for that, but when that’s all you’ve seen of a person, who can blame them? My best friend, who was here on weekend before the wedding, and had no pre-conceived notions about him, basically asked me how the hell I stand to be around him when we left for our show in Pittsburgh that day. These are all incidents that my husband and I have had absolutely no involvement in, and my family and friends have formed their own conclusions. So when they think he’s wronging one of their own, they tend to get mad like a mother lion protecting her cub. That’s just my family - we’re all really, really close, and maybe that’s why I have such a hard time with FIL sometimes. I’m not used to family treating me this way.

@Martin Hyde

Don’t even mention going after his license or trying to get him in trouble. I love my wife but if she ruined my father’s career over anything as trivial as this I’d have divorce papers filed within the week.

Honestly, I would never do that, and while it’s helped to rant in the Pit and get it out, I would feel SO guilty if I ever tried to do anything like this. This is a bump in the road that unfortunately has lead to some underlying feelings that we need to work on, but I would never, ever try to destroy his career. I respect my husband way too much for that, and I would hate it if I ever purposely hurt him.

And I do understand what you’re saying, but my FIL is the one who was trying to get us to buy a house six months ago (and he did know about my debt at the time). We are quite comfortable with our salaries, even with my bills. We don’t spend a lot of money going out or eating out. And after speaking with the lender yesterday, who’s also a financial advisor, he has no problem with us going ahead with the house. I don’t think FIL is against us buying the house - I think he just wants us to do it HIS way and no other. And now that I have calmed down from the blind rage I felt at being ordered to do things, I understand where he was coming from. I just don’t appreciate the way he went about it - THAT was what my problem was.

@Zoe

Let your husband know that the privacy that you TWO share is more important to you than anything else and that you are going to stop sharing any of your business and private difficulties with your family except for frivilous and silly things. Ask him to do the same.

I will do that. My mom is my best friend, and my sisters and cousins and I are just so close that we’ve always shared everything, and I will definitely put my husband’s and my privacy first. We did have a long, long talk at dinner last night and he and I are completely okay. I think after being together three years, and having this be our first REAL argument (most haven’t lasted more than five or ten minutes), we’re doing pretty well:). This marriage thing is new to both of us, but I think we’re getting better at it.

And I would never, ever shut his family out. It would hurt his mother too much, and I love her dearly - if I ever got to choose a mother-in-law, she’s the one I would have chosen. And I know I’m painting his dad to be a total bad guy, but he’s really not. A lot of this has just built over the last year or so, and I think this has just been the cherry on the sundae. He does ridicule me for my beliefs, but he does that to everyone. And while I’m not happy about it, I think it’s just something I need to get used to and learn to deal with because I doubt he’s going to change.

I’m feeling much more positive today. I think a lot of this had just built up from issues with the wedding and my conversion and how he treated my family and friends. And my husband and I are aware that we need to make some changes so that we each come first to one another - we thought we’d been doing that, but this week has proven that we do need to change things. We are very deeply in love and this has just been one bump on the road. I appreciate all of the advice and help - you’ve helped me see a few things I may not have realized before. Our main goal is to have a strong, happy marriage, and everything else is just gravy.

E.

[Athena]

I disagree with the posters saying that the father’s standpoint is reasonable.

Look, they got married. They plan a life together. That, in itself, is WAY more of a commitment than a house purchase. It’s quite difficult to lose money on a house, and it’s one of the best investments someone can make. A father advising his son to wait before buying a house with his new wife is sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. Sure, divorces happen. But sheesh, what does having or not having a house have to do with a divorce?

I could maybe see it if we were talking about a couple 18 year olds who didn’t have solid careers, but they’re 27 and 29 for Pete’s sake. I bought my first house at 23, with my boyfriend (not even fiance at the time.) Sure, we ended up married, but if we hadn’t it still would have been a decent investment that worked for both of us. When we did divorce, we owned not one but two houses. It was no big deal to figure out who got what, and we both ended up with a pretty good investment from our real estate purchases.

Butt out, father-in-law!

[Elza_B]

@Athena

I disagree with the posters saying that the father’s standpoint is reasonable.

Look, they got married. They plan a life together. That, in itself, is WAY more of a commitment than a house purchase. It’s quite difficult to lose money on a house, and it’s one of the best investments someone can make. A father advising his son to wait before buying a house with his new wife is sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. Sure, divorces happen. But sheesh, what does having or not having a house have to do with a divorce?

I could maybe see it if we were talking about a couple 18 year olds who didn’t have solid careers, but they’re 27 and 29 for Pete’s sake. I bought my first house at 23, with my boyfriend (not even fiance at the time.) Sure, we ended up married, but if we hadn’t it still would have been a decent investment that worked for both of us. When we did divorce, we owned not one but two houses. It was no big deal to figure out who got what, and we both ended up with a pretty good investment from our real estate purchases.

Butt out, father-in-law!

I don’t even think it’s that he doesn’t want us to buy the house. I think it’s just that he wants it his way. He took offense when we didn’t like one of the houses he showed us as much as he did - hell, the place had corkboard walls in the bedroom and gold-flecked mirrors in the master bedroom! We both HATED it, but he took personal offense that we didn’t like it as much as he did. He does want us to buy a house, he just wants it on HIS terms. We both knew this was the right house the second we walked into it. It felt like home for both of us immediately.

And I know we can’t predict the future, but we know that we will both fight like hell to stay together, come hell or high water. And I don’t necessarily think that my FIL thinks we WILL divorce, he’s just so set on doing things HIS way. Again, it comes back to the control issue - which is what I think the root of this is. And we’re just going to have to learn to stand up for ourselves.

E.

[duffer]

Elza, you have to remember this is a message board. Therefore, you won’t solve all of your problems here. And now I have to add one more problem. (Though you seem to have a grasp on some of the problems you have.)

You mentioned converting to Catholocism. This is a HUGE step. If it was just you doing so.

But by converting you’re going to have to bring your husband into the Church. Not that he has to convert, but you’re going to have to go through the rites and rituals of a Catholic marriage. After Communion, Confirmation, Confession. In addition to marriage counseling. (Where you’ll learn that you have to have one of you sleep on the sofa and not have any sex until you’re married in the Church.)

It’s a huge commitment, and not one to be taken lightly. But if you plan to spend the rest of your life with him, a year out of your life won’t be that big a deal.

I hate to seem like I’m bringing you down, but if you plan to marry in the Catholic Church, it’s only fair to let you know what you may be in for.

Good luck and God Bless. I hope it works out for you both.

[Elza_B]

@duffer

Elza, you have to remember this is a message board. Therefore, you won’t solve all of your problems here. And now I have to add one more problem. (Though you seem to have a grasp on some of the problems you have.)

You mentioned converting to Catholocism. This is a HUGE step. If it was just you doing so.

But by converting you’re going to have to bring your husband into the Church. Not that he has to convert, but you’re going to have to go through the rites and rituals of a Catholic marriage. After Communion, Confirmation, Confession. In addition to marriage counseling. (Where you’ll learn that you have to have one of you sleep on the sofa and not have any sex until you’re married in the Church.)

It’s a huge commitment, and not one to be taken lightly. But if you plan to spend the rest of your life with him, a year out of your life won’t be that big a deal.

I hate to seem like I’m bringing you down, but if you plan to marry in the Catholic Church, it’s only fair to let you know what you may be in for.

Good luck and God Bless. I hope it works out for you both.

This is something I’ve discussed with a friend whose husband is not Catholic, while she is. They weren’t married in the Church, but later had their marriage blessed. I’ve also discussed it with my cousin - who is a priest. Believe me, my husband is aware of all of this and I know he’s not taking my commitment lightly, as I’m not. I won’t force him to have our marriage blessed by the Church - that’s something that he will have to decide on his own. If it means that I’m never able to take the Eucharist, so be it. I’m doing a lot of soul-searching and studying on this right now. It’s not positive, but I’m figuring out where I want to be. He knows that it’s very important to me to raise our future children with some sort of religious background, and has no problem with that. Where that background is may or may not be in the Catholic Church. Either way, he’s supportive of me.

Thank you, though. I very much appreciate the concern and advice. I do know it’s a long road, but he’s very supportive and he’s behind me on this.

And no, we won’t solve our problems with a message board, but at least it helps to see things from a different point of view, you know? I’m actually seeing things a little more clearly now, and I do think we both have things we need to work on, but as far as our marriage, we’ve come out a little stronger.

E.

[Elza_B]

Oh, man, I am so wordy lately.

I just want to reiterate that if I thought this issue jeopardized my marriage at all, I wouldn’t be venting in the Pit. I’d be calling marriage counselors for an emergency session. It helped me to calm down a little to vent in the Pit and to see things a little more clearly.

I don’t think our marriage was ever in trouble - it was the fact that this was our first real argument as a couple that lasted longer than an hour. And that’s a scary thing to both of us. However, he’s the Aykroyd to my Belushi, and I think I’m pretty lucky:).

E.

[Ink_a_dink_a_dink]

@Elza B

I don’t think our marriage was ever in trouble - it was the fact that this was our first real argument as a couple that lasted longer than an hour. And that’s a scary thing to both of us. However, he’s the Aykroyd to my Belushi, and I think I’m pretty lucky:).

E.

That’s about the truest love-statement I’ve ever heard, and it makes me well up. (I’m SERIOUS, not sarcastric. I come off as sarcastic but 90% I am not.)

Elza, what I said still stands, - my mail is in my profile, and I am more than willing to go over the legal aspects of contracts, buyer’s agent, seller’s agency and all the rest with him or you. And if you need someone to threated your FIL law who knows what they’r talking about, I am willing to fo that as well. I’ve dealt with my fare share of unscrupulous agents over the years. Home Contingencies included, as someone recalled above.

If not, then I do most heartfeltly wish you and your husband the best of luck with your purchase. There are few things in life that are more stressful than purchasing a home, and after watching five years of home closings, I can certainly attenst to the validity of that. It’s scary to think you’re buying something that will essentially change your life. That being said - DON’T back away. It can also be the most rewarding thing you’ve done.

If I may, permit a stranger to wish you a smooth closing, a title officer who shows up on time at closing, no last minute snafus, a nice and problem-free home inspection, only one counter offer and long and happy years in your new home. There will be amny little things that create minor headaches long the way…Be ready for themn cause I’ve never seen a closing without 'em but REMEMBER - they’re NOT world ending.

And get Inspection insurance. Water heater insurance. Get a copy of the owner’s discolsure report - SIGNED AND DATED,a dn give it to the inspector. And Please…let me know if you have questions.
All my best and lots of happy wishes from a jealous never-home owner.

Ink