My father's wife just died. Looking for advice on what to do

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I was born in 1967. I have two other siblings. My father left us in 1980 because he wanted to live the playboy lifestyle and mess around with lots of women.

About ten years later he found a woman who would marry him. And at the same time he became a fundamentalist Baptist Christian. Afterwards, he distanced himself from us and the rest of the extended family. When I would talk with him, everything and anything revolved around God and Jesus. It was weird.

Last week, his wife of 33 years died. I attended the funeral yesterday. A bunch of his church friends were there. They all dressed and talked like Jerry Falwell & Jim Bakker. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Based on my interactions with him over the past 30 years, I can only assume the cult/church he attends preaches against socializing with people outside their religion, even if they’re family members.

I am bitter. Growing up, my dad was never a perfect person. Lots of faults. But at least he was honest and “real.” But then he got deeply into the church stuff. I and my siblings and everyone else in our family were suddenly pushed to the wayside.

He’s now 85. Living alone in Kettering, Ohio, in a nice house on a nice plot of land. Physically, he is still in decent shape.

I am not sure what, if anything, I should do at this point. On the one hand, I am still upset he left us high-and-dry in 1980, leaving my poor (and drug-addicted) mother and us three kids in poverty. On the other hand, he’s my father, and it’s kind of hard for me to be critical of him given my own faults & deficiencies. I am a lot like him in many respects, for better or worse.

It’s like my dad died 30 years ago. And I blame some of it on the church he attends. Fuck them.

March Nemesis (Monthly Mini-Rants)
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Tell him you are sorry for his loss. And then leave him alone with his church. He should feel sorry that he lost you because what he did doesn’t sound very Christen. Except the hypocritical kind that is.

Be the bigger man and don’t rub it in.

3

That sucks. But yeah, there’s nothing for you to do here. It is absolutely not your responsibility to try to re-establish a relationship with the father who deliberately abandoned you, and it sounds like it wouldn’t work if you tried it. You went above and beyond just by attending his wife’s funeral, which was a caring thing to do.

If your dad at some point were to reach out to you and/or need help from you, then you’d have some thinking to do about where that might go. At present, nah, you can’t resolve anything with your dad unilaterally.

None of my goddamn business of course, but have you ever sorted through the old box of these issues in the context of some kind of counseling? This is not intended to express “you’re clearly broken and need help”, but rather “you had a rather grueling and prolonged journey over some pretty rocky roads and it’s often a good idea to get your suspension checked to identify any potential damage”.

You have every right and reason to be still upset about this betrayal from nearly half a century ago (not to mention the subsequent betrayal a decade later when he decided to bond with his new church rather than his actual children). But it looks like the chances of resolving issues directly with your dad are slim, and it’s not good to have no other exit strategy from feelings that are bugging you.

On the other hand, what the hell do I know? Ignore at will and never mind.

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FWIW, IMO @Kimstu nailed it. Seek equanimity about the history and current situation, however best suits your personality now. There’s little point in trying to (re-) establish a relationship at this point. And even less point in you guilting yourself over either not trying or over trying and failing.

I admit to being curious how your father acted towads you and any other siblings, etc., who attended the funeral and any other group events or one-on-ones. But that’s just curiosity and whatever happened doesn’t really condition my advice / thoughts.


Given Dad is 85, this might be a useful occasion for you and your sibs to consult with one another (not with Dad) about how you’ll work together to clean up his estate and stuff after he’s gone. Which is the easier conversation. You might also explore the expectation that his will names the church to get all his assets, be they great or small. It might, it might not, but being surprised about it if/when it happens is not a good place to be.

The next convo after that is what, in generalities, is your individual and collective policy towards Dad becoming infirm and needing physical / financial / administrative help.

However difficult dealing with Dad’s eventualities will be, the difficulty will be multiplied if the sibs are on very different pages or worse yet are warring. Different people plan differently, but IME the big screw-ups and the big emotional blow-outs both come from confronting a difficult situation cold turkey with zero mental / emotional prep work. So to the degree you can, at least start the convo w sibs now while the problems are theoretical, not imminent or actual.

Good luck! Seriously, not snarkily.

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Does he have any kids from the 2d marriage? Will further complicate things. Tho, if he made a will, may not be your problem.

My wife’s dad did something similarly crappy. In our experience, there was no “good” way to deal with him/the situation. But distancing from him worked the best for us. It really is better/easier snce he died a couple of years ago.

Do nothing, and try to think of him/care abaout him as little as you can. Lead a good life. Good luck.

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You are under no obligation to care for a person who chose to abandon you and your siblings, and has at no point thereafter attempted to make amends.

If he has needs, the people of his church can help. If there’s anything positive about places like that, it would be their willingness to help their own members.

Your obligation is to yourself. If you want to be closer to your dad because it will bring you comfort now and when he eventually passes, then make the effort. If that’s not something you want, then leave it alone.

LSLGuy has an excellent point about conferring with all the various siblings.

7

I was going to say that you should attend the funeral and offer him your condolences, but you already did that. You certainly don’t owe this man much in the way of time and attention.

I think @Kimstu and @LSLGuy have excellent advice on what you should do for you.

8

I’m thinking his cult-like church group will give him the attention he needs and wants. All indications are that he hasn’t wanted yours and really doesn’t want it now.

Still, you can call occasionally call and ask him how he is, etc. You will probably be able to tell from the tenor of the very first call whether or not he is happy you called or not. Use your best judgment from there.

P.S. I’m really sorry you went through all of that when you were only 13 years old. The fact that, after all you’ve gone through, you are still concerned about him tells me you turned out to be a beautiful, loving person despite it all, and for that you have my ardent admiration! :heartbeat:

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It’s unclear to me from your post if you think you owe him some obligation, or if you’re feeling a yearning for connection. If the former, believe me from personal experience - you owe him nothing, and I agree with the posts above. If it’s the latter, well, that’s a different thing.

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In a word, sometimes family can be “meh” and you should feel no obligation to do different than you have been since he made the decision to leave you. I hear about this a lot “but their family” to handwave away abuse and neglect. I learned from my estranged brother that just because they’re family doesn’t give them the right to treat you like shit.

It sounds like you are living the life you want at this point, and don’t need this person in it.

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Fuck him. Just because he’s biologically related doesn’t make him family. He made his choices years ago. Nothing you do now or going forward is going to erase that.

I wouldn’t have even gone to the funeral.

12

You’ve done what I think any decent person would do: You paid respects and expressed condolences. The big question I have is do you think/feel you should do more?

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This, my own family tradition is to never disown anybody… but there are limits

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I’d just like to repeat this, I had a lot less trauma than you have had but I was holding onto it for dear life, and counseling helped me a lot to feel better about who and what my parents were. We were still not close after that, but I was able to be in their presence and to think about them without anger.

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Regardless, or irregardless of your past with your father, what he has done, the disruption of your younger life, the insult of him leaving mom, you should still reach out and contact him.

You do this not for him, but for YOU. Time will swiftly run out and so does any chances you may have to change anything, maybe they already have. So handle the issue in a way that YOU are comfortable with.

Anger and resentment are rarely the things that you want to carry with you long term.

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True. But absolute calm and implacable indifference are far superior to needy unrequited whatever. Not for everyone, but for many people.

I agree with the sentiment that the OP ought to think hard about what works best for them. Then pursue that, whatever it is. And perhaps seek expert advice and help in that quest.

I utterly reject the idea there is one correct answer that any of us out here can offer without being inappropriately prescriptive and judgmental. You might be right for the OP. You might equally be wrong, and neither you nor I can handicap that race.

17

Maybe take an easy path, don’t dissect, ponder, weigh things or extend any real emotional energy. Just make a simple gesture.

Consider just calling him once a week or month. Just a short convo, how are you? Need anything? Doing okay? And leave it at that.

A five minute chat won’t mean much to you or him possibly. On the other hand, you both might be glad to have made this small effort with each other when the curtain eventually falls.

It’s not rehash, it’s not reconciliation, it’s not demanding. Its not deep, or meaningful, it’s just a tiny moment of connection.

You might find it will make you both more comfortable, in some small way. And sometimes tiny steps end up being important ones.

Just something to consider, good luck.

18

A nice card- it wont hurt, and you are not opening a relationship back up. Just a condolences card, with your signature.

19

Reading the OP again, he is nowhere near as resentful as I suspect I would be in such situation. Seems moreso towards the church than the dad.

So I’d say make a phone call or 2, and if he doesn’t respond, just write him off. Treat it pretty much as tho he had died. While there is not likely to be much harm in seeking counseling, nor do I see why there is necessarily much need.

I note the OP has not returned to this thread…

20

Sorry for the late reply.

I intend to visit him soon. Only about a 50 minute drive. He’s alone in the house now. I’m not sure how he’s going to handle this, emotionally. Plus he’s hard-headed, and wants to do everything himself (shovel the driveway, cut grass, ALL repairs, etc.).

I am just clueless on what to do at this point. We live in Saint Paris, OH, he lives in Kettering, OH, and I work at WPAFB. Should I live with him for half the week to take care of him? (He seems fairly self-sufficient. But he was born in Jan 1941, and is getting slow.) I just don’t know what to do. :frowning:

I have a brother and SiL who lives near by. But they’re essentially drug addicts, and unreliable.

And yea, he’s done some bad things. But haven’t we all. I’m not a hateful person.