My film theatre sells what?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Or, one of those times when no possible comeback could cut it.

As evidenced by the thread title, I work in a movie theatre. Specifically, behind the counter of a small cafe-slash-smoothie booth. We sell pretzels, coffee, blended smoothies, slushie things, and–most importantly–these hot dogs that we cook wrapped up in dough (and sometimes cheese) and drizzle with butter and that are really nummy, I promise.

Anyways, I’ve got a tray of them out and I’m at the cash register. A woman wanders up. She looks perfectly sane and normal, with a sweet, calm, placid air. (Somewhere, the Jaws theme starts playing.)

The woman stares for a while at our glass case, where our pretzels and hotdogs are stashed. A long while. No big rush; passing glaciers inch by while she strolls around a bit.

The big manic customer-service grin on my face is starting to get a little lopsided when she comes up to me. In a kindly, saintly tone:

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
Kythereia: …
Woman: Really. Pornographic sausages.
Kythereia: … (croaky noise)
Woman: Never mind. You’ll get it when you’re older. leaves
In retrospect, of course, it was absolutely hilarious. But what do you say to that?

2

If you can look at those without thinking of Qadgop’s patient’s penis, you’re not normal. Not normal at all.

3

You say: “Of course. This is a movie theater after all”.

4

I wonder if she accuses the people at the donut shop of peddling faux vaginas and anuses?

5

Many moons ago when I worked concessions at a movie theater, a guy came up with a few of his buddies and began ordering. Nothing unusual, just the standard popcorn and soda…except he was farting. Repeatedly. Noisily. Each item selection was punctuated by a “frrrt” longer than the last.

I struggled to maintain my polite attentive expression, because it’s just not kosher to draw attention to a customer’s, er, quirks, and he was ignoring the sound as well. It was a valiant fight, although my mouth must have been contorted into a pretzel to keep from laughing. Finally, his buddies just broke laughing, which set me and the guy off in turn. He showed me the little fartmaker he was hiding in his pocket, and I was relieved beyond measure that I wasn’t going to be called out by an angry customer for laughing at his misfortune.

6

Right, lady, nothing wrong with your brain. It’s the hot dogs that are wrong for openly having sex right there on the counter.

7

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
Kythereia: Boom chica-baum baaaauuuuum!

8

If I come to your theatre, I’ll stick to the sausages, lest one of your cow-orkers go all **VCO3 **on me and take a slash in my smoothie.

9

I’m not really sure if that means what I think it does, but I’m giggling uncontrollably.

10

Maybe she was Opus Dei… the list of stuffs not served in their cafeterias include:

sausages,
green beans,
subs,
fried eggs,
hardboiled eggs…

Frankly, given that pretty much any food item seems to have been used as an euphemism for sex in some language, I’m not so much surprised at them not serving these as at them serving anything :stuck_out_tongue:

11

The Wise Ass Bathroom Reader’s Guide to Responses to Bizarre Questions:

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: I guess that means you don’t want to see my cannoli, then.

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: You see? I told them they shouldn’t be buying Ball Park Franks!

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: You think that’s pornographic? You should see how they’re made!

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: That’s funny, Ron Jeremy was just by, and he said the same thing.

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: Duh! That’s why they’re behind the counter.

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: So you’ll be wanting some to take home, then?

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: And were you to ask me for one, I would have warned, “This sausage is rated NC17 for scenes of nudity and explicit sexuality and is intended for adult audiences only.”

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: Tell me about it. This morning, there were only two on that tray.

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: Why, do you recognize one of them?

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: Well that’s odd. They were fully clothed when I put them out an hour ago.

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: Yes, that’s our specialty, “dick in the ass.” Would you like one with or without lube?

Woman: Your store sells pornographic sausages, you know.
You: I’m sorry you feel that way. May I suggest instead that you indulge in my smoothie with a wiener?

12

With porno ice cream for dessert.

No less safe for work than sausages would have been.

13

Makes me wonder where you work.

14

That list is a thing of beauty, Mindfield. Brings a tear to my eye.

No wait, that was the fart machine. :wink:

15

“We prefer to call them love wieners”.

16

“WTF?”

17

So…would you like the small, the medium, or the oh my god?

18

Good thing the movie theatre doesn’t also sell tacos.

19

Tell her they are sold as a set with the pornographic popcorn boxes.

20

You did point her to the condiment rack, didn’t you?