Ok, I know my kid has some problems, but the last time the teacher discussed him with me was the first week of November when she only had positive things to say.
I come home from the last-day-of-school Christmas party to get a letter when the mail comes about 2 hours later saying:
He needs intensive Occupational Therapy. We know you can’t afford it with what you pay us (all this had been previously discussed), so we’re releasing you from the tuition contract. Go get some therapy. Then we’ll talk.
Excuse me!? I think the message “Don’t come back after Christmas” merits at least a phone call. This is what I get for 45-fucking-HUNDRED dollars a year?! A letter postmarked yesterday clearly not intended to be received till everyone (teacher, administrator) made their escape after the last day of school.
I called right away but everyone had already gone home. I left messages at their home numbers. No one has called me back.
For the record, I am not a difficult person to deal with. The chance of me blowing up in a temper if confronted with this face to face is almost nil.
November was the last time we discussed him in the classroom in any depth. Since all the feedback was positive, I thought that meant things had gotten better and that she would let me know about anything of note.
I’ve talked to her every single day, often asking, “So how did today go?” There was NOTHING to let me know something like this was coming.
Oh, paidhi girl had a teacher like that. There was a little trouble at the beginning of the year, and then I thought things had settled down. Every day after school–“Oh, things were fine today!” Parent teacher conference–“she’s so bright!”
Near the end of the school year–“Maybe you should get her some therapy so she can be diagnosed!”
Huh?
It was very upsetting, but then I talked to another mom who’d had the same teacher tell her her son had a learning disability–when I knew the kid quite well and there were no learning disabilities anywhere there, I assure you. Or a hearing problem, which was the next suggestion. I still haven’t figured that out. But you’re likely better off somewhere else anyway, since the teacher has that kind of attitude toward not only your child, but how she deals with problems.
Anyway. I don’t know if there’s an organization like Parents as Teachers in your area, but around here they do screenings for little kids. If there’s a problem, you might be eligible for some free or reduced cost services. If there isn’t a problem, you’ve got confirmation of that. Around here they’re associated with the various school districts–maybe you could call your local district to find out.
Well, it was just half day preschool. I’m actually a stay-at-home mom, but if it makes you feel better, I’m very much second guessing myself about whether preschool was the right decision.
Occupational therapy? Does your child have physical problems? What kind? How old is your son? Is he too old for Early Childhood Intervention? Have you looked at the programs offered through the schoold district for pre-schoolers? I’m just surprised because I’ve never personally heard of a kid being asked to leave for physical problems, only behavioural.
My kindergartener just finished three days of testing at school. He was only there for 5 days when he was tagged as needing help. I was disappointed that he couln’t ‘pass’ , but happy to get help if indeed he needs it.
Anyway, I think what happened to you was kinda sneaky, but you don’t really want your son in a place that can’t meet his needs. Good preschools are great, but bad ones aren’t worth the time or money. A private preschool doesn’t have any obligation to do more than necessary for out-of-the-norm kids.
I agree, Carlotta, that this merited a discussion and not just a letter. Your son’s teachers obviously have reasons why they are suggesting occupational therapy. Before you decide whether or not to take their advice, you need their input, including very specific examples of behavior that concerned them, so that you can bring this info to your pediatrician and together you can decide together what steps to take next. Having this brought to your attention as it happened would have been most helpful, but that is water under the bridge right now. Since they didn’t do that THEN, they have an OBLIGATION to do it NOW.
One conference in November doesn’t cut it. They should have been in constant contact with you – daily, if necessary – with their concerns. And they should have reported the truth to you – the good, the bad, and the ugly – when you asked them how he was doing. This letter should have been the resolution of a long series of discussions and interventions, not something that came as a surprise, especially immediately preceding a break when they knew you would not have any means to contact them to discuss it. That is just amazingly unprofessional conduct.
If they don’t call you back, I’d make an appointment to discuss the letter with your son’s pediatrician. Perhaps he can contact them and between the three of you, you can come up with some mutually agreeable game plan.
Carlotta: I apologize for my post. I came across in a rather snotty way.
Not to start a great debate, but is there any real benefit to preschool? We have two daughters (4 and 5), neither of which has attended daycare or preschool. They’re very normal and well-adjusted. The 5 year old is in kindergarten, and is probably one of the brightest kids in the class. (Of course, I’m ultra-subjective on this point ;).)
I also never attended daycare or preschool. So from my vantage point I’m quite skeptical about their supposed benefits…
I don’t have a lot to add for Carlotta except sympathy, and a wish for a good outsome to this.
DangerGirl just had her last day in her nursery school. It’s a co-op, and though I love the idea of a co-op and enjoyed the other families, this co-op wants my entire life and then some. There are so many ways they could simplify and reduce the burden on the parents with no trouble, but they don’t. So we pulled out, and are going to either have a home group or try to join the Montessori with friends. We’ll see.
I think there can be, but IMO it should mainly be for fun and to find friends. I am very much against any preschool pushing academics in a serious way or being too regimented. Some kids thrive on the company of a bunch of other kids, some are just lost in the crowd and would be better off somewhere else. Some need the structure and rich environment that they may not have at home. My daughter got a lot of fun out of the wide variety of activities they had–two racks of costumes, art projects all the time, and more simple songs than I have in my head. But I could probably do just as well if I put some effort into it (which I may start doing). One great benefit was the ideas and experience that 20 sets of parents and one very dedicated teacher have–things that I would never have thought of and that were perfect for DangerGirl. So, my answer is…it depends, on the school and the kid.
It’s for the best, really, these people obviously have their head up their collective ass.
In preschool, they were convinced I had a learning disability. I was tested and it turned up nothing, “but that doesn’t mean something won’t turn up later.” I’m not going to drop my test scores or anything tacky like that, but of all the problems I do have, I’m confident a learning disability is not one of them. In fact, at the time the problem was my mother had already taught me the alphabet, and I was restless when they were trying to school the other kids. Thankfully my parents were stubborn enough to not be bullied into some sort of “treatment” program or I might still be on some ridiculous drug today.
It is totally inappropriate and unhelpful to send a letter like that without an in-depth discussion of what behavior concerns them and what kind of help they think might be useful.
My local school district has a program which evaluates kids 3 and older in several areas (gross motor skills, hearing, cognitive, speech etc) and provides free (!!!) services if they need it. I have 1 child in speech therapy through this. I’m sure if you ask your pediatrician he can tell you about what services exist in your area.
As for the question of what good is preschool? My 1st son (who is now in Kindergaten) was extremely social and just needs to be around other kids a lot. I had him in 3 half days a week and he loved every minute of it. He wants to be with other kids all the time.
Now my 2nd child is in preschool for the same 3 half days a week. He has less of a need for the being-with-other-kids aspect of it, but he gets into all the creative art projects they do. He loves to paint, make jewelry, draw self-portraits, etc. I do some of that stuff at home, but I’m not artistic and so I don’t get into it so much. His school does it a lot and he thrives on it.
And I like it because it gives me a break. I have a toddler at home with me all the time, and I get to spend some one-on-one time with her. And I’m 8 months pregnant, and having 3 mornigns with only 1 child to chase seems like a break.
I certainly don’t do it for the academics. I don’t think little kids need that, and the school where I send them doesn’t emphasize it at all.
It’s totally not necessary. A real luxury. I’m sure the kids would be fine without it. But they love it and I love it. We can afford it, so what is the downside?
carlotta, that is really bad treatment :(. You deserved a face to face consult and details of what they are seeing that makes them think he needs evaluation.
When P the E first started school, we talked with the teacher daily and she told us that he was doing fine, everything was great and he was settling. Then in the sixth week, she rang me and asked me to bite him because he was biting the other children. It turned out that he had spent the previous 5 weeks under the desk only coming out to bite the other kids. I was livid, absolutely furious. I’d stayed in close contact with her because I knew my kid had issues and I wanted to work with her to support him.
I think the paed idea is a great one. The whole thing really stinks and is unprofessional and unfair to you and your kid.
Thank you everybody for your responses. I needed that moral support.
I am pretty sure I know what the behavior is (spitting, bumping other kids, getting overexcited, not respecting other’s personal space).
It’s just that since I hadn’t heard about it for so long I thought it had diminished.
They think the underlying cause of the behavior is problems in Sensory Integration and can be addressed with Occupational Therapy. It’s not so much that I disagree with this, as that the OT costs $136 a session (not covered by our present insurance) and at once a week would outstrip what we pay the school. I had felt like he was getting more out of school that he would out of therapy.
This letter is basically them saying, we need to flip the priorities–he will get more out of the therapy than the school and we are willing to release you from your tuition contract for this reason.
What got me so mad is the manner of conveying this–in a letter rather than face to face. A letter timed to come after the last day of school. It seemed like they were avoiding me.
I feel a lot better now because I was finally able to get the administrator at home. She says the timing was an accident and there was no plan to avoid me or be unavailable to discuss it. I think I believe her. I was able to calmly let her know how poorly the method and timing worked and I think we came to an understanding.
Maybe.
As to the benefits of preschool, well, perhaps you all have a point there, especially as it was financially such a stretch for us (wasn’t when we started, but is now that my husband’s employer has gone bankurpt)
Seriously ask your pediatrician about freee services. A lot of places have them, sometime through a public institution (like the school district) and sometimes through a private place to help low income kids.
It’s worth a call.
Oooo… I did a short web search and found this Durham Regional Behaviour Management Services which provides FOR FREE “Individual Behaviour Programmes: Assessment leading to the development of a programme for the individual needs of the client. Consultation to Parents: General information and suggestions on managing the behaviour of individual children (telephone call or interview).”
I don’t know anything about this program, so it may not be right for you. But ask around. Call and look on the web. I’m sure there is some place that can help.
Preschool has been of great benefit for Paidhi-boy. He’s talking more–he’s been behind on his speech, but even from the first day of school he started picking up amazingly-- he’s having a great time, and making lots of friends. There aren’t many other kids his age in the neighborhood, and none of my friends have kids his age.
And despite the problems with the one teacher, my daughter benefitted greatly from the montesorri she went to. Montesorri is an amazing program, and the only reason Paidhi Boy isn’t in a montesorri school right now is the expense–we just can’t afford it. I think a good preschool is a wonderful thing, and very beneficial. For the record, I’m a SAHM who firmly believes that every family makes their own choices, and those choices will be different for different circumstances. There’s no single right answer to the “stay at home or not” question. And it’s not a question of every child benefitting or not from preschool, or of anyone being harmed by not going. You make the choices that are best for your kids and your family, end of story.
Honestly, carlotta, check with your local school district. It sounds from what the other posters are saying like a lot of places have screening and services in place, and you may well find one that you qualify for. It doesn’t hurt to ask.
