Well, a couple of hours ago, she IM’ed me and told me about another “sign” that God gave her that absolutely positively ensures that he’s the one. I don’t want to say what it was because I’m kind of getting tired of it. When she started talking about, I made all these sad faces 
and typing sigh. When she asked me what was wrong, I just told her that I was wondering when I’d ever find “the one” for me. And she was self-centered enough to talk even more about John and how happy she is that she found him. :rolleyes:
Oh, c’mon, she’s fifteen-what fifteen year old girls AREN’T drama queens about one thing or another?
Still, it does sound like she has some issues.
Location! Check location! That’s Captain Canada. 
Daredevil, I can sympathise - though you’ll have the hots for some idiot before long and bore your friends rigid too.
My advice? Can you whistle? If so, start whistling and staring at the ceiling every time she mentions him. She’ll get the hint and presume you are jealous, of course.
Failing that, you need to get all unlady-like. Every time she mentions him, pick your teeth or your nose, scratch your head really hard with both hands, scratch your ass, sniff your armpits, finally escalating to burping and farting.
My guess is that she will be quite put out at you sullying her beautiful momentary dreams with your disgusting habits and start to deprive you of her news on him.
Hope that helps - and do let us know when you start acting all goofy for some guy “because you can see past the acne”. 
Or, you could get her to use her magical powers of God-communication to answer weightier questions…
Susie’s going to be awfully mad at this God fellow when John finally tells her that he just wants to be friends. Or gets a restraining order. Whatever.
Well, um, here’s a rather pathetic and useless update. It’s gone way over the edge. And I mean WAY over the edge.
She just told me that she just told him that she loves him. She sent me a copy of the IM conversation that she had with him. And she really did say, “I love you.” And he just replied, “Um, I’m not sure how to respond.” Then she went offline. I’m flabbergasted…at this whole situation, I mean.
Excuse me. Like Dante said, I’ll be over here where it’s not so weird. Now she wants advice from me on how to deal with this. What should I tell her?! I asked her if she feels relieved now that she’s told him, but she said no. Is that good or bad??
Tell her to back off for a while. A loooong while. Hopefully by the time it sinks in how stupid she’s been, she’ll have moved on to her next obsession.
It’s simple really. She just needs to describe, in excruciating detail, all of the signs that God personally gave her, from the bird seed to the vaguely “J” shaped dump she recently took, that proves he has been personally created for her and her alone.
Why do you people have to make things so complicated?
Well, excuse me, but I’m a teenager and I’m supposed to make things complicated.
Honestly…
Dante, you just made my day. Are you married?
Well, I told her that just because she’s going through this “love” stage doesn’t mean that it is love. I told her that a lot of kids our age go through these things and it happens several times to the same people. And she’s like, “Oh, but I don’t want to know if it’s love or not because I know it is.”
I give up…
I just…
I’ll be over here where it’s not so weird.
Yup. Don’t have to flail my arms much around my wife. I already know the world revolves around her. And I give it a healthy push once in a while to keep it that way.
Yup, sounds like my kind of man - just my luck someone caught you first. On the other hand, I kind of like the pedestal Mr.SCL puts me on…
I have three solutions. They’re a little complicated and one’s a curse. Oh, and I got them out of a YA novel, so buyer beware.
Solution one: If lovers meet a pig while walking, their love is doomed. I’m not sure if this applies to unrequited love, but it’d probably be easier to just get Susie to see a pig while walking than to get Captain Canada to see one too. And what’s not to love about pigs in Toronto?
Solution two: In the moonlight, face the lovers and throw dirt from a newly dug grave on them, while saying, “Love abate. Disintegrate. Turn love to hate.” No pig required.
Solution three: Shove yarrow up their noses and spit. Pig optional.
At any rate, Susie probably won’t talk to you anymore if you shove yarrow up her nose and throw grave dirt on her. Problem solved!
The novel is Catherine, Called Birdy, btw. It’s excellent and I think you’ll probably get a kick out of it.
Sold. Thanks for the recommendation, Purlie.
It’s an amazing thing that farmer-type folks ever get married, don’tcha reckon?
Suggest to her that she not give him any more nookie or knob jobs, then see how long he keeps her around.
John will eventually give her the “Let’s just be friends” speech, she’ll cry her heart out on your shoulder for a month, you’ll want to be on the other side of the planet, then the process will start over again when she gets a crush on a new guy. Sorry to break it to ya.
You don’t hear very many how-we-met stories begin with, “She was there, holding down this sow. Suddenly, a mad piglet ran by, our eyes met, and I knew it was love at first sty,” do you? This may be why my dad wooed my mother over PacMan at the local bowling alley, and held off on the chores until after they were married and she was pregnant. (Theirs was a romantic courtship . . .)
Dung Beetle, if you like that one, try The Midwife’s Apprentice, too. It has the same feel.