My Grandfather Died Tonight & I'm Conflicted

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

He was my mom’s father - 87 years old. He’d been sick for a while, actually. We knew it was coming - he almost went on Tuesday afternoon

He’d had really severe senile dementia for the past few years. It started to get noticeable when I was 17, then he went downhill from there. He forgot who everyone was about four years ago, maybe, then three years ago, he forgot that we were even familiar. He forgot how to make conversation.

It’d gotten really bad in the past year - he didn’t interact with anyone, really. He couldn’t bathe/feed/toilet himself anymore. He was only admitted to a nursing home in mid-September, and that was only 'cause my grandmother broke her hips - she’d insisted on taking care of him the entire time prior to that.

About a month ago, he got aspiration pneumonia because his gag reflex had gone. They shipped him to the hospital, where he alternately got really ill, then better. Two or three weeks ago, the doctors asked whether they should put in a feeding tube in - my grandmother said yes, even though he’d still aspirate mucous & saliva, if not food.

He’d sort of recovered from that bout of pneumonia, although Dad told me that he was dying - it was just a matter of time. He got really sick again this past week. They called Mom at work on Tuesday - they said he was slipping away and that she’d better get her ass over. Gave him Last Rites and everything. She said that they told her his temperature was 91 degrees. Still, he rallied. It was then, though, that Dad told me that he wasn’t gonna make it out of the hospital. And I knew that, I guess.

His temperature got back up to 97 degrees - Mom went to see him yesterday. Tonight, though, at about 9:35, the doctor called to tell us that he was gone. My mom didn’t want to tell my grandmother tonight - she’ll do it tomorrow. My sister too - she was asleep when the doctor called.

I loved him - now he’s dead. On the other hand, his mind was completely gone. He was a shell. I feel fking conflicted and sh*y and angry that he had to die alone, in a hospital, and grateful that he had no idea what was going on, where he was, or who he was.

It’s times like this when I wish that I weren’t an atheist. The funeral will probably be Wednesday.

Even though I’m an atheist, I’m accepting prayers. :wink:

Thank you in advance for your condolences… I really do appreciate them.

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“I loved him - now he’s dead. On the other hand, his mind was completely gone. He was a shell. I feel fking conflicted and sh*y and angry that he had to die alone, in a hospital, and grateful that he had no idea what was going on, where he was, or who he was.”

Boy do I remember that. Scene: January, 1995. Vienna, VA. My paternal grandfather has been slowly dying for about a year now. Had an operation to remove stomach cancer, and said operation removed about 90% of his stomach. But he was old and had not really taken such stellar care fo his body. The cancer came back to his kidneys, IIRC, and from there spread to his spine and his brain. I guess a week or so before he died, he went into renal failure (that’s kidney stuff, right? I never can remember).

And a man who had been a published writer, an editor of the poetry section of the Washington Post, had written translations of French literature, had been a member of Mensa for years (probably over 60, IIRC) and had overall been a mental machine, was reduced to the inability to form complete sentences. I guess the best comparison I could make for you would be Stephen Hawking (a step up compared to my grandfather, to be sure) slowly becoming unable to list the planets in this solar system. Mind-bogglingly easy … something I’m sure he committed to memory as he was learning to walk. Yet this is the same sort of thing that happened to my grandfather.

Strength lays not in being able to move the biggest rock or being able to withstand the most intense pain without crying. Rather, it lays in knowing your weaknesses and allowing others to fill those in when you cannot.

Know strength.

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Be there for your mother. It is always sad to lose a loved one, and worse when they are lost and but their body still a burden that must be respected. People usually wait to grieve for such a loss with a physical death, but that physical death is frequently emotionally confused with the release of the intense burden of care taking. Don’t let this natural confusion become guilt for yourself.

Peace.

4

You’re right, Cosmopolitan, it’s not fair, and it’s not right and “shame” doesn’t even begin to cover it. E-mail me a rant if you need to and feel free to say all the things which would shock your family. Since I’m not an atheist, I’ll be happy to yell at God/the universe/life/death for you if you like. In the meantime, I’ll pray for you and your mother, since you’ve said it’s all right. Your grandfather, I’m sure, is being well taken care of. Regardless of which of us is right, he’s feeling no pain.

Take care,
CJ

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There are times when nothing, not faith, not science, not knowledge, not intuition can resolve the mysteries and griefs we face. Even foreknowledge of the inevitable doesn’t soften the blow. And perhaps it’s meant to be this way.

’Punha, you’re wise beyond your years. This is excellent advice, and I hope Cosmo can apply this to her situation.

I hope you find some sort of closure eventually, Cosmo. And don’t be afraid to grieve and say that it’s unfair. It doesn’t change things. It sure as hell won’t bring your grandfather back, or make the circumstances surrounding his final years better, or fair, or even okay. But you need to do it for yourself, to be healthy emotionally.

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From an agnostic to an atheist, I wish your family the strength that iampunha so eloquently mentioned, along with some serenity.

It’s a relief that he isn’t suffering anymore but you mourn his deterioration & loss all the same.

Best Wishes to you and your family.

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Being an atheist doesn’t deny you the comfort of knowing your grandfather lives on. He lives on in his kids and grandkids, and in the countless memories you have of him. Many of the values your parents have instilled in you would have, in turn, come from him. In a way, you are honouring his memory, just by being yourself. I think he’d have liked that.

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Also I recommend reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom when you are feeling up to it. It makes you cry but it also makes you smile. It’s a great book that should be mandatory life reading, imo.

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My thoughts are with you Cosmopolitan. It’s hard. My wife’s father died last year and it was sad but good. I’m looking forward to my great aunt getting some relief in death, but I know it’ll hit me like a train when it happens. All I can say is now you can stop worrying about his suffering you can take the time to remember and celebrate the man he was, the things he did and the enduring influence he has on you and the others he loved. There is great joy in this.

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Grief is not a stranger to me. You know, I started to say “unfortunately”, but I didn’t because grief is not unfortunate. We all should have grief, because grief is love–it is just love mixed with sadness and perhaps anger.

If you can, remember your grandfather as he was when he was healthier. That was the real man, not how he was when he died.

My condolences, Cosmopolitan, to you and your family.

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It is sad to think of a loved one dying alone in a sterile, impersonal hospital. At the same time, we cannot live our lives on a deathwatch - because there’s always death and yet life goes on.

Remember the good times and grieve for the grandfather who was vibrant and vital. And when you’re ready, let go of the grief and cherish the good memories.

I wish you and your family peace in the coming days and weeks.

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i’m so sorry.
my thoughts are with you and yours.

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I am so very sorry. It is true that your grandfather has been released from his suffering, and that had to be so hard on him…AND on you and your family. On the other hand, when you love someone there is a part of a person who is NEVER ready to let them go. So of COURSE you feel conflicted. It is a part of the grief process, I think, so it is just something you have to live through a little at a time.

My prayers and my heart go out to you. May you allow yourself to move through the grief on your own timetable…don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel, now or later.

Much Love,

Cheri

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TheLoadedDog is right. Your grandfather lives on in you. I lost my dad a few years ago, and it was crushing. But I see him in me, my sibs, and my kids, and every time I perform some act of kindness I remember and honor the person from whom I learned such behaviour.