Or maybe the day before yesterday. I cant figure it out with these time differences.
On the one hand I feel like I cant (shouldnt?) be too sad - she was 97, after all, and except for the last few weeks was in excellent health - dressing herself (complete with bra and girdle), feeding herself, bathing herself. But she fell and broke her hip a few weeks ago and sort of went downhill from there, and finally she stopped eating a few days ago. Yesterday (or whenever) she was talking with my mom, told the nurse she was tired and wanted to take a nap. They checked on her a half hour later and she was gone.
The last few years her memory’s been pretty bad - couldnt always recognize her own children. In the last year or so she has hardly been able to carry on a conversation cause she’d forget what someone just said. I wouldnt want to live like that, so in that way too it’s good she’s dead. And it was peaceful, in her sleep - the way I’d hope to die.
But she was the last living grandparent I had, and I kind of feel like she’s taken my childhood with her. Also she was born in Denmark, and now that Ive lived here a couple of years I wanted to go back to California and talk with her about what she remembered from her childhood and young adulthood here.
And that’s another thing that sucks - last Friday the message went around the family that she’d stopped eating, so anyone who wanted to visit her and say their goodbyes should do it now. And here I am in Europe, with no chance to have done that. And the funeral is this weekend, and I have no chance to go to that either.
She was a really forceful personality, and without question the matriarch of our large family. But she adored children and animals, and would give the moon and stars to any of her grandchildren. She’s responsible for some of the happiest memories from my early childhood.
I honestly cant imagine a world without my grandmother in it. She was one of those people you expect to live forever.
Thanks for letting me spill my guts. It’s easier to do here, where we’re all semi-anonymous.
Scarlet - I’m very sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathies. And I understand where you’re coming from. I am having trouble with my world without my dad.
{{{{{Scarlet}}}}}}
I wish you and your family all the strength you need.
My thoughts are with you. I went through something similar two years ago, when my grandmother died of cancer at 82. It sounds like she was a lot like your grandmother-- definitely a matriarch, and in no way dependent on others. She was one of the most intelligent, wonderful people I know.
Are you sure you can’t get home? I was able to book a flight and get a very discounted fare because I was going for her memorial service.
Best wishes to you. I am very sorry for your loss.
SP, of course you have my sympathy, especially since distance has prevented you from being present when you wanted to. My last living grandparent died a year ago. She was 87, and had been in good health and mind until the last couple years. Once she started to deteriorate, though, it went pretty quickly. There were many months of constant worry for my mother (her daughter), as she had one incident after another (some probably stemming from her growing inability to remember what medication she had or hadn’t taken) resulting in broken bones and the like, but she was so stubborn she refused to give up her own home or car (!), even after it became clearly dangerous and potentially fatal for her. Ultimately, she went to assisted living, and after about a year and a half of further deterioration, had to go to a nursing home. It was sad for the last year or so, as she would no longer remember a conversation from ten minutes ago, or could no longer put names to the faces of family members. (She tended to call any male by the name of my youngest brother, and any female by my middle sister’s name.) She never grew demented, just lost and out of it. And she went from mobile to cane to walker to wheelchair to mostly bedridden. Anyway, when the time came, she went peacefully in her sleep, as we all wish we would, and it was clearly her time, but it was still sad. The last of her generation, the last link with that part of the family and that period in time. All part of the natural order, but a significant mental and emotional shift for us all.
Others feel for you. Drink a toast to her life, and her part in the scheme of yours.
MST3K: Best lil’ puppet show on the planet.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my own grandmother a couple of years ago, she was 104yrs young. The world didn’t have much sympathy when I would say she was 104.
She was powerful and strong and magical and your loving words for your own grandmother made me think of her again ( an experience I always enjoy).
Try not to fret about not seeing her just before she passed, or about the funeral for that matter. You and I both know that your grandmother wasn’t about such things.
Personally, I’d love to hear a little more about your grandmother. Could you bear to tell us a story about her? And you in the process.
Be glad you got to know her, SP. My maternal grandmother died of ovarian cancer at age 54, before I was born. I’ve had to rely on the amazing stories my mom tells me about her, that she was a model, a quiz show contestant (it was a visual clue that did her in: she didn’t want to wear her glasses on TV!) a mathmatical genius, smart, funny, and amazingly strong. Every once and a while, I’ll be ranting about something, and my mom will cock her head and just STARE at me. I’ll scream “WHAT?” and she’ll say “It really makes me increadibly sad that you never got to know my mom. You two would have taken over the world together.”
Celebrate her life. The best thing we did at my paternal grandmother’s wake (died of Alzheimers, at least I knew her before she got sick, unlike my little sister)was to tell funny stories about her. It became less about us being sad she was gone, and more about celebrating the wacky kook that she had been.
Good luck, try and get home if you can. Airlines offer bereavement rates at like 50%.
A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:
“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!
My deepest condolences to you, Scarlet.
My beloved grandmother was my best friend in the world, and it sounds like she was much like yours in many ways; independent, able-bodied, strong in character and loved by all who knew her. Like you, I was out of the country living in Mexico when she died. but her death was sudden and unexpected. She’d spent the day in her basement working on her ceramics business that she’d been running for over 20 years. She went upstairs at the end of the day, drew a bath, got in the tub and had a massive heart attack. She was only 77 years young. I still miss her a lot.
I know how hard it is not to be able to be with your family at a time like this. But even if you have to miss the memorial/funeral service they will be having, perhaps you can have one of your own for her. Seeing how you’re living in her native Denmark, you could memorialize her there by planting a tree in her honor. Maybe invite some friends to go to a park with you on the day of her funeral (or someplace where it would be ok to plant something, even your own back yard if you can), buy a sappling from a garden shop, bring your bible and choose some nice passages to read. Talk about your grandmother and the memories she left you with. Since she’s with you in spirit no matter where you are, having your own service in her honor may help you feel some sense of being able to say goodbye to her.
Again, my sincerest sympathies for your loss.
“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank
“Mom, he’s a neo Nazi! He’s a doctor also? Well…” - WallyM7
Scarlet, my heart goes out to you. I also know what it is like to lose someone so close to you. I wish I could be there to give you a proper hug. Since I can’t, will you accept this reasonable facsimile thereof?
{{{{{{{Scarlet}}}}}}}}}}
She sounds like an incredible person to me. I agree with the other posters, and I also would like to hear more about both of you, if you’re up to it. Thank you for sharing, and I hope that this helps you in some way to deal with the incredible sense of loss I am sure you are feeling right now. As for you not being there, I am sure that she understands, and loves you regardless.
I have lost all of my grandparents, my parents, one aunt, one cousin, and several dear friends. I understand at least to an extent the pain and loss you must be feeling right now. It does sometimes help to share it. As someone said: Burdens shared are halved, and joys shared are doubled.
You and your family are in my prayers.
You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming.
Og Mandino
That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.<a true Wally original!>
deepest sympathies, Scarlet - she sounds like a neat lady. It’s sad you won’t be able to share your Danish experience with her.
(I agree with Beadlin - worth looking into whether any airline will give you a deep discount.)
I’m sorry for your loss, Scarlet.
Reading this thread made me realize how lucky I am to have both of my Grandmothers. I think I’ll go call them right now.
Rose
Thank you all so much…now Im sitting here crying in the middle of the netcafe.
One of the stories I like best is…When my grandmother was 20 and had just moved to New York City, she got a job selling Harley Davidsons - this 5’2" young woman in 1923, hopping on a Harley and revving it up to show the customers.
My uncle has been in a gay relationship for 40 years…I dont know what kind of problems or grief that caused for my grandmother as the wife of a minister…the most negative thing she ever said about my uncle’s SO is “He’s a good man, but he drinks a little too much. But lots of people do, and at least he never gets violent.”
For years she belittled my desire to be an actor…finally she told me it was because she was afraid Id have to sleep with casting directors.
Her lifelong hobby was translating Danish fairy tales, legends, folk songs and hymns.
Once I asked her if she painted her stockings on in WWII. She drew herself up to her full height and said in all her dignity, “Of course not. I mended mine. It is indecent to go out with bare legs.”
For the last ten years, anyone who went to visit her at the retirement home would be shown how she could duck under the guardrails on the paths, and how she could put her foot up in the bathroom sink to wash it.
Until last year she was in an independent room, and she was 10-15 years older than everyone else at the home. She loved to go up to the Assisted Living section “to visit the old people. It makes them so happy.”
She would always cut cute pictures out of magazines or catalogs or greeting cards and send them to me when I was a child. She’d send a note along with the picture, saying, “I hope you will write a story to go along with this picture and read it to me the next time you come to visit.”
Thank you all so much for your loving words - I want to give you all a hug. And thanks for asking for stories about her. It’s helped me a lot to sit here and write them.
Hey, sweetie! You want a Danish with that coffee? – another custom design by the mind of Wally
She sounds amazing, SP. If you absolutely can’t be with your famliy right now, call them often. High phone bills are a small price to pay.
My deepest sympathy to you and your family.
** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
That was a wonderful story, Scarlet.
Could you stand to tell me one more?
I’d just love to hear more about the Danish fairy tales. Selling Harleys? In 1923? That is so amazing. It only makes me want to know more.
I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. My grandmother died a little over a year ago and I was (and still am to a point) absolutely heartbroken. Something about grandparents; they love you unconditionally and are always there when you need them.
My SO made a comment on the way home from the hospital after my grandmother’s death that made me feel a little better. He said, “If you could sign a contract right now for 80 relatively healthy years and then die peacefully, wouldn’t you sign up?” You are darn right I would. Where’s the pen?
My Condolences to you and your family.
“Words fascinate me. They always have. For me, browsing in a dictionary is like being turned loose in a bank.” - Eddie Cantor
Scarlett-
SO sorry to hear of your loss. If it’s any consolation, my beloved grandmother who passed about 5 years ago visits me in dreams, and sometimes I can feel her just during the day for no particular reason. I know that sounds crazy and I dont’ care. It’s true and it’s a huge comfort.
I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you’re well.
Zette
“If I had to live your life, I’d be begging to have someone pop out both my eyes. Just in case I came across a mirror.” - android209 (in the Pit)
Zettecity
Voted “Most Empathetic”- can you believe that?
Here Scarlet, Have my condolences, and my 600th post.
I lost both my grandparents last year, and my brother in January. I empathize with you.
Larry