My grandmother’s in her early 90’s. A little less than two years ago, she was pretty on the ball, mentally, and could still do a lot for herself, even though she was frail and had physical issues typical of age.
Nowadays, she seems a lot worse. It’s like her eyes are closed all the time, and she seems a lot more out of it, in terms of memory and activity (physical and mental) and such. There was a time a while ago where this happened for a while, but it seemed to be a medication thing that was fixed. Now it seems a lot more… permanent, for lack of a better word.
It’s really disconcerting, not to mention depressing. It seemed like it happened really fast. Then again, I just realized that every year is fairly significant when you get to be that old, much more so when you’re younger. Still, I only hope that when I get to that age, I can at least still keep my faculties. That’s the best part of me!
Somebody else may think your cute ears are the best of you. My husband loves me for none of the things I think of as my strengths.
Old people live in a different realm, on a different plane. What you find disconcerting she may find comforting. Anybody lucky enough to die a natural death probably passes through many phases of “letting go and going on” along the way. The mind/body relaxes its grip on what was important to grasp what “is” now. If she isn’t upset about it I wouldn’t be, either.
That’s similar to my grandmother. At 90, she was still OK. At 95 she was showing definite signs of dementia. At 99 she was hardly ever in a state of reality. She died about eight months after turning 100.
Sorry to hear this, Leaper. It’s hard watching a loved one decline. Best advice I’ve heard is cherish the time you have. Get video/audio recordings, so you have something tangible.
I watch my father and notice more and more memory issues. My sister was just telling me the latest the other day. He’s going to lend her a camera, and promised to get an extra battery for her. He called her three different times to find out what size memory card her camera takes, so he could get the spare. Each time, she reminded him that it’s for HIS camera, not hers…and he needs to get a battery, not a memory card.
Yeah, like I said, the hard part is how quickly it seemed to happen. Then again, as I also said, it made sense when I realized that at that age, every year is actually pretty significant.
I’m hoping that my family back home is already doing the video part (probably part of significant events like my nephews’ birthdays), although it’s probably not how I want to remember her (and not mainly how I do now).
Hate bumping for this reason, but I saw this thread again, and it seemed relevant for reasons I’ll get into in a sec.
My grandmother died a couple of days ago. The relevance comes with my and my family’s reactions (from what I can tell over the phone, anyway). My grandmother was being taken care of professionally back home (in another state), under the auspices of my mother, her elder daughter. My sister and her family lives in the same home as my parents.
My sister is taking the death pretty hard, while I and my mother (at least, again, from what I could tell from a brief phone conversation) are taking it better. I think one reason is because I didn’t have the extended contact with my grandmother that my family back home did, but I also think another reason in common with my mother (bringing it back to this thread) is that I’ve been subconsciously preparing for/expecting this for quite a while. The level of activity, physical and mental, that my grandmother was capable of the past couple of years was so markedly different from what I remember of her even a few years ago that I think I considered her as already dying.
Of course, she was 90+, so it’s not a huge surprise either in that sense, but still, it’s not an easy thing.
That has consistently been my experience: the people who take any death hardest are the ones who’ve been taken by surprise. It’s one of the reasons accidents and suicides are harder to deal with than natural deaths.
I lost my mother a couple years ago in her mid 90’s. The last six months were not good with the breathing tubes a lot of the time and elevating levels of co2 in her blood. For some reason I can’t really understand it had little affect on me, just a little sadness. I do miss her but I never felt deep grief even though we were close. When my ftaher died in his early 70’s it turned me inside out for months. I was equally close to both parents as far as I can tell.
I’m sorry for your loss. I sort of like “downhill quickly” as a method of leaving this life. It gives those close to yourself a chance to prepare, without years of nursing home care. But as you’ve noticed with your sister, you need to acknowledge what is happening in order to prepare.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and at the same time glad that your grandmother isn’t suffering anymore. If this decline was hard on the family, consider how hard it must have been on her!
And yes, I agree with you. Not realizing that a loved one is nearing the end very often makes their death harder. This is exacerbated in our culture where most people don’t have a lot of contact with dying people. There’s actually a very specific pattern for people in your grandmother’s condition that’s predictable and gives plenty of warning - when you said her eyes were closed more often, that’s a huge signal that death will be coming within the year. Seriously, it’s even in the handbook the hospice nurse gave us while my grandmother was dying. Such a little thing, so easily overlooked or excused, but it’s nature’s signal to us that if we want to tie up any lose ends, now would be better than later.
I’m glad you caught it. I’m sorry your sister didn’t. Be patient with her.